Marina's Drunken Evening

"I'm pretty sure I'm the drunk cousin. When my mom called today I asked her if anyone had called her last night. She said, 'You talked to me, honey.' Apparently I said that everybody thinks I'm drunk, but I'm really not."

Bakery Box Pound Cake

"Hey, ladies, check out the way these mini chocolate chip pound cakes turned out."
Myself, Ali (hot lesbian from beauty dept.), Jacquie, and Denise all gather around Winnie Jo as she holds in her hand a delicious pound cake whose center was split open to perfectly form the likeness of a vagina. The melted mini morsel chips surrounding the caucasian flesh coloured opening resembled that of trimmed pubic hair.
Ali immediately stated the obvious with, "Damn...that's gonna sell out quick with all the lesbians that shop here."
"Yeah, lesbians and Puerto Ricans," I plainly stated.
As silence fell on our group, all eyes turned to me as Denise inquired, "Puerto Ricans?"
"Hell yeah. Puerto Ricans love pussy."
More stunned silence, but Denise continues, "My boyfriend's Puerto Rican and he never goes down on me. So I don't think that comment is very accurate."
"Is he full blood?"
"No...half."
"Well, there ya have it. In my experience with Puerto Rican men, they fuckin' love pussy. Nearly as much as lesbians. Y'know what, maybe even more so."
Always knowing how to make an exit, I turned on my heel and left them to ponder my wisdom.

Chuck Norris

My BFF is a huge fan of those Chuck Norris lines. There are a few good ones, but the one she told me about last week nearly killed me. Here it be: "Chuck Norris can go ten minutes without air, but air can't go ten minutes without Chuck Norris." Just awesome.

So True

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Marina Takes No Shit

A few summers back, Marina and I were havin' a little garage sale. There we were lounging in creaky 1980s beach chairs trying to not self destruct in the heat when two fellas pulled up in a pickup truck. It was clear to both of us that they were not from our side of the tracks. So these two gentleman strolled on up the drive and asked Marina how much she was asking for one of her items. She told them twenty and they said ten. She said no, that it was twenty and that twenty bucks was already a steal. The one guy got out his wallet and handed Marina a ten. She held up her hand in refusal and said no thank you, that it was twenty dollars. He then proceeded to tell her that she was a beautiful lady and continued to wave the ten at her. Clearly this man didn't know who he was dealing with. As cold as ice, Marina once again held up her hand in refusal and said, "Thank you but the compliment should be free." Put in his place, he managed to dig out another ten from his wallet. He was able to go home with the item he desired, a life lesson in how to properly speak to a lady, and perhaps a little less pride. Mission accomplished, Marina.

Megan's Freudian Slip

Hanging out at work with the ladies, we were chilling to the local radio station. The B-52s were on and talk turned to what have they honestly done since "Love Shack" and "Roam" and how is it that they are still touring. I explained that they have a large gay following and that the gay community alone can keep so-called One Hit Wonders in business for decades. Megan exclaimed, "Oh, I just love the gay community!" ....long dead silence.... "No! Ha! I meant that I love The B-52s. I like the gay community too, though." Gotta love that Megan.

Mary's Trashes Truman

On that day when Amy & I went to lunch with her mother, I was the one driving. We picked Mary up at the office and I unlocked the passenger side door and let Mary in. It was hot as hell and Mary kept looking for the automatic windows until I told her that I roll old school with manual locks and windows. This is when she said, "Wow, this is like one step up from the Conestoga Wagon!"
It should be stated that Truman is a 2002 Saturn.