Cats Suck

Once again I am stuck watching my friend's stoopid cats while she's on vacation. All I have to do is stop by a couple times and fill the water and food bowls. However, the one cat pisses me off to no end. I don't kill spiders or bugs in my house, but I am telling you, this cat wants me to strangle it. I went over the other day and it freakin' attacked my leg and hissed at me. I called him a fucking ungrateful half breed and told him to stay outta my fucking way or I'd boot him down the stairs. At work tonight I was complaining to Lolo about this and she said, "Can you lock him in a cage?" I told her the only cage I wanted to put that fuckin' cat in is the mouth of a snarling pit bull. I have to go back tonight and I'm bringing a water pistol filled with pepper spray.

My Name is Father Xmas and I'm an Alcoholic

After work last night I dashed over to Jane's place where she served mince pie and earl grey tea. (Earl Grey, hot, if you will.) My mum has been trying for decades to get me to drink tea and try some of my Nan's homemade mince pie. I would have none of it. But as a guest, I took the leap and good lord - what have I been thinking all these years? With my Irish blood how could I not love a good cuppa tay?
Being that Jane is from Lincoln, Lincolnshire, she schooled me on the British Christmas traditions, one such being that Santa is served sherry and mince pie on Christmas Eve. "He must be terribly disappointed when he arrived in America to find milk! I suppose when he is in England he's an alcoholic."

Colombian Ice Cream Man

Talking via Skype this morning with Marina, a god awful sound came screeching through her open door. "What in the fuck is that sound?" I ask. "Ugh," sighs Marina, "there's a man outside my window honking. It's so annoying. He's like the ice cream man except he sells this horrible drink. It's basically corn kernels in milk. It's revolting." Sounds it.

Santa

Conversation between Ella and her four year old daughter:
"Mommy, Santa's not real."
"How do you know?"
"I Googled it."

More Black Books

You have brought nothing but pain, penury, and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence.

-Dylan Moran, genius

Die, Mommie, Die! (honourable mention)

"It's the size of a Nathan's Hot Dog!!"

Death Proof

From one of my favourite scenes:

Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.

Kim: Uh, motherfucker trying to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash. I wanna shut that nigga down.

(photo kidnapped from dvdactive)