Stephen & Kreskin

Back in my days working at the pier, my manager was a young guy named Steve Mercer. I absolutely loved working with him because he had fabulously funny stories. Prior to our work together he was an assistant to The Amazing Kreskin. Steve said he was just brutal to work for and eventually the two had it out. Steve told me that the last conversation he and Kreskin had ended with him yelling at Steve, "Had I known that you were going to be the worst personal assistant EVER, I wouldn't have hired you." To which Stephen replied, "Hellllloo! You're the psychic!"

Party Girl

My favourite line from this movie: "I would like a nice, powerful, mind-altering substance. Preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills."

(photo kidnapped from charm.net)

Visiting Cousin Amanda

Over the summer, Marina went around the corner to meet our cousin Amanda's new baby and to bring a little gift. Here is the text that she sent as soon as she got home:
"i went to amanda's to meet the baby and give her a gifty and she was sleeping which at first was fine bc she has a newborn - then i saw past her and who was lying dead sound asleep alongside her at 545 in the afternnon? None other than her helpful husband...Seriously, i worked an entire day and spent $$$ on an outfit for ur baby only to come see u in bed sleepin gettin paid by the govt to raise ur truant kids! Wtf mate?!?"
Clearly, we have a deep afinity for our relatives. Not.

Dad's Take on Oprah

(photo kidnapped from nigeriashowbiz)

"I don't know what she's like to live with, but I'll tell you this, she's one hell of a broad." This statement was made to me about 6 years ago when I stopped at the house to find him watching a Dr. Phil ep of Oprah. I had begun to notice that my father was home by 3:30 every day so I asked my mother what the hell was up with the new hours he'd been keeping. She said that he started going in earlier so he could be home in time to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show. Is that freakin' endearing or what?

Darlene's Wish Comes True

Visiting Melissa like two weeks ago, her roommate's daughter asked me if I wanted to see a picture of her boyfriend. I said sure and she ran upstairs and did not return with a school photo of a fellow nine year old, as I expected. No, Darlene showed me a page ripped from a magazine of Ryan Reynolds. She then peered down at the picture and said in her little girl lisp, "I wan' him to get a di-borce and den he can mawry me."
When I heard today that he and Scarlett Johansson were seperating I texted Melissa the news and said, "Ding! Darlene - your wish has been granted."

Superhero Name

To determine your Superhero name, you must take your favourite colour as your first name and your favourite alcoholic beverage as your last name. Therefore I am Green Cosmo. (Green Caucasian was a close second tho...)

Sittin' Too Close

Earlier this year I had some time off and watched every season of Desperate Housewives that was available on DVD from the library. Then I rewatched some old eps of The Office. Apparently I had been quoting these shows and talking about them far too much because one afternoon my mother snapped and said, "You are watching entirely too much television. You're either working in an office filled with lunatics or living on a cul-de-sac with a bunch of desperate women. You really need to get out more, dear."

Oy Vey...

My brother's friend was telling us that his buddy had said, "Y'know, I don't get those bumperstickers. What's powmia mean?" "It means you're an idiot." However, Jon did admit that when he was 14 he asked his father what was the big deal with Semper Florida.

Arrested Development

Gob: What is this feeling...it's not like envy or even hungry...
Michael: Could it be love?
I know what an erection feels like, Michael!

She's Got Yer Back

Melissa was at work when she received a text from Danni:
"What time dya get done your shift?"
"like half an hour"
Thirty minutes later she received another text:
"I'm at the bar down the street. Where are you?"
"shit, i still have a table...i'll be there ASAP..."
Then, our favourite Southern Belle, Savannah Mae, was on her way out and said, "Hey girl, you got a hot date tonight?" "Yeah, my friend Danielle is waiting down at Houlihan's and I've got one table left." Savannah didn't miss a beat, she said, "I'm on it," and walked right out the door. Oh, and she had never met Danni and had no idea what she looked like. That's the kind of fabulous gal Savannah Mae is!

New York 1906

Recently I purchased a copy of The Etiquette of New York To-day which, originally written in 1906, discusses the proper manners of New York society of the day. Fr. Michael flipped through it and then tossed it back on the coffee table with a scoff. "That's so stuffy and unrealistic. I mean can you imagine sex conversations back then? 'It did give me much pleasure when he thrust his manhood deep within me.' Puh-lease!" Little did he know that sex conversations were not commonplace in New York at the turn of the last century.

Touched By An Angel

Fr. Michael informed me, "That one woman, she looked like she was comin' off a 4 day drunk. Angels don't age, but she sure as hell did." Daaaaammmmmn!

It Was Meant To Be...

Amy told me that on her 2nd date with Don, her husband, they went ice skating. The rink played all INXS albums. "I took it as a sign that we would be together forever."

Slip of the Tongue

Today I went to pick up Melissa and got a chance to see her roommate, Marci and Marci's two kids, Carla & Darlene. They were sitting on the floor watching an episode of Hannah Montana with Jon Cryer. Carla turns to her mother and asks, "Is he considered a whore with all those things in his room?" Through stunned silence came Marci's, "What??!" "A hoarder, is he a hoarder with all those things in his room? Isn't that what I said?" Um, it sure was, sweetie.

Overdose

Michael was telling me that one of the people that comes in to see him, let's call him Arthur, has an annoying habit of mentioning the Lord or a Bible verse every time he speaks. Example:
"Good morning, Arthur. How are you today?"
"Well, by the grace and power of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am well. And how are you today in the name of our Lord and saviour Christ Almighty?"
"Ugh."

Text from Melissa

She took a picture of her bum and said this: it was a true eye opener. i knew i had junk in my trunk, but i didn't know i was a hoarder!
I'm telling you, that girl is a riot.

Email from Bishop

Subject: he's at it again

Message: mr. statham is shooting for oscar gold!

Bishop then included the link for Jason Statham's latest project The Mechanic. Awful, just awful. Statham needs to go back to modeling; he is more interesting when he does nothing but look good. And even his looks are wearing thin since the only time I see him is when he's attached to yet another dreadfully ridackulous piece of celluloid.

Savannah Mae's Return

The other day Savannah was having a crappity crap day at work and later told Melissa, "I was so mad earlier....I said some bad words. Girl, I made Jesus cry." That's actually not sayin' much seein' as Christ weeps almost as much as Michael Landon.

Laughter in the Laundry Room

Last night I was hanging out with my two favourite lil' cousins, Kayla age ten, and Jaeden, nine. Jaeden and I were chatting about cyberschool when Kayla came in to give me one of her ten minute long hugs. I finally pulled her on my knee and that's when she said, "I feel like a lesbian right now." I cracked up and told her, "Well then you are the hottest lesbian I've ever had sit on my lap!" "Really? Thanks Aunt Lucy."

I ♥ The Office

When I first heard this I laughed so hard that I had to immediately write it down before I forgot what had been said. I recently came across that scrap of paper and laughed just as much.

Jo: I want you to cover his ass like tightie whities.

Michael: I'm gonna cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.

Buster Bloodvessel

Best name for a lead singer ever!

(photo kidnapped from thejournal)

Stinky

"Ew, the other day at yoga in my autistic class, one of the kids farted and it smelled so bad I had to rinse my mouth out."
This sentence had me in stitches for several minutes and even now has me cracking up.

Mrs. Le Bon

(photo kidnapped from topfloormusic)
Heart at work was telling me about a friend of hers in high school named Staci. Staci was obsessed with Duran Duran lead singer, Simon Le Bon. So obsessed in fact that she would act as though the two were really an item. "She was deeply disturbed," Heart explained, "We would be at the Cherry Hill Mall and she would be looking at the men's ties and say, 'Don't you think this will look so good on Simon? I know he'll just love it.' Then she would seriously buy it! And then send it to him in England!!! I can't believe her mother didn't get her some help. Star, she actually saved money to fly to the UK and stand outside his house. She was a sick, sick girl." Sounds it.

Ridackulous

"Hey, Marina, did you freakin' hear about the new reality show that's gonna be on?"
"Noooo.....Should I be frightened?"
"Oh, most definitely. They actually stole the idea from an old ep of Arrested Development. If memeroy serves, when Maeby pulled into the studio lot, there was a billboard in the background that said Skating with the Stars."
"Oh my God, seriously? Seriously? That's totally horrible. I mean, what next, Gravedigging with the Stars??? Stupid."

Separated at Birth??

"Hey, Peg, do you like James Patterson?"
"Aw...from Eight Is Enough?"
"Um....that's Dick Patterson."

Look Elsewhere

Stacy was coming in to the back kitchen when Melissa was working and overheard a fellow employee complaining to the kitchen crew. Stacy was in the weeds and needed clean cutlery and had zero tolerance for whining. Enraged she snapped, "Are you looking for sympathy? Yeah? Well, look in the dictionary; it's between shit and syphillis. Now can I get some fucking clean spoons or what?"

Best Line Ever

One evening my father began to ascend the stairs when he paused, looked on my brothers, my mother, and I with contempt (i've forgotten what we did to piss him off) and when Mama asked, "Where ya goin'?" He responded, "I'm going upstairs to vomit in my underwear."

Ryan's Rant

Marina was taking her brother Ryan to 30th Street and made a sidestop to Wawa, he comes back to the car empty handed and this is their conversation:
"What happened? Where's your coffee, Rye?"
"Fuckin' Wawa. It's their sole purpose to provide the public with coffee and every single pot in there was bone freakin' dry."
"Well, you can get a cup of coffee at the train station."
"No I can't. I'll have two bags of luggage. How am I supposed to butter my biscuit? What, balance my coffee on my head? I'm not putting my luggage down just to have it snatched up by some hobo. This is such bullshit."

Random Excerpt

Me: "So Xavier has been driving my car, I'm driving Gina's, and Gina's been driving Xave's Bonneville..."
Amy: "It's a good thing my father's dead."
"What the?? Huh??"
"Yeah, he wouldn't wanna live in a world without Pontiac. Every car that man ever owned was a Pontiac."

Crybaby

Sitting at Benihana's last night, Amy said,
"Oh so did you see anything about Brett Favre?"
"Why, was he crying again?"
"Ha! No, it's some scandal about him and some gal who works for the Jets. And anyway, no one cries as much as Dick Vermeil."
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah. That man cries at like, Hallmark commercials. He's worse than my mother."
"I had no idea. I find that endearing. Now about that scandal..."

It's All In The Family

While hanging out with Ryan and Marina, we got to discussing their nieces' recent visit to Ryan's house. The girls were apparently very rude and belligerent and Ryan said, "They're like feral children." Daaaaammmmmn!

Wayne in the AM

It was one of those real early mornings for Wayne, back when he lived in C-wood and worked out near The King. He had gotten up late and didn't have time for that morning cup of java thus leaving him feeling cranky and irritable as he came up to the toll booth for the bridge. With his window rolled down and his arm in position to pass over the bills, a bridge employee beside Wayne's car hollered down to a coworker a few booths away. This startled Wayne and turned him into a crotchety ninety year old man who yelled back at him, "KEEP IT DOWN!"
He hung his head in shame while relaying this story to me, but I laughed like hell.

How fast...

...can a bear rip apart a tree?
Not half as fast as a Jewish mother can rip apart your self esteem.

(i have no idea where i heard this but it was most likely a comedian on mtv's half hour comedy hour from back in the day.)

Text Message from Marina

Driving behind a rock dumping truck today and it's logo "Rock A Fellas - we dump in your back yard" how gross is that?!? I think i would go rockless for eternity just based on their ad!
(8:20am 9/14/2010)

Halloween Humour

Conversation btwn Bishop and myself:

"So, Bish, I'm taking Bella out tomorrow to find a Halloween costume. She wants to be something scary this year."

"Have her go as debt. Nothing's scarier than debt."

Honesty

Wayne regarding the former state of the flower bed out front of Hawkins, "It was a wasteland. Essentially."

Tell It Like It Is

Conversation between my brother Dave and the gardener who asked what sort of landscaping they wanted for the front of the house:

Dave: "Look man, yer not gettin' any recommendations from us. I mean, we'd be sayin' sunflowers and pussy willows, y'know?"

Gardener: "Okay, so were you looking for annuals or perennials..."

Dave: "Y'know, get me a dictionary and tell me what that means cuz yer seriously speaking a foreign language here."

Marina's Tattoo

Marina was nannying for Aneres when she asked about her tattoo:

"Why don't you wash that off?"

"Because it's permanent."

"But why don't you get rid of it?"

"I don't want to get rid of it. I like it. I chose it."

"Well, you poor chosely."

Dental Humour

My dentist is thee best dentist in the entire universe. I adore him and everyone in his office. Today, sadly, I was getting a filling. Dr. Davis was removing the existing filling in the tooth and filling it and the small cavity that had formed in between the teeth. ANYWAY, he's drilling and says, "Geez, this is a deep filling. This may eventually need a crown. Wow, this is really deep. Wait! I think I see a Chilean Miner!" If his fist wasn't entirely in my mouth I would have busted out laughing.

Pat's Steaks

My brother Wayne once told us, "I like to go down to Pat's sometimes and stand on the plaque that says Rocky stood here. Stand there; feel good."

Should you ever visit South Philly and want a cheesesteak and can't decide between Pat's or Geno's - go for Pat's. Geno's is lousy with racists whose heads are as vacant as their souls. Geno's makes me ashamed to be from Philadelphia. That and the place is a total eyesore. Feel good and go with Pat's. (although I'm told Steve's Steaks are the best in the city)

Crazy Mike Goes Country

One day at The Aisles, Crazy Mike came up with a country styled song for a zombie film. He would walk down the juice aisle, straightening the bottles, and sing, "♪ I'm a face chewin' sonuvabitch!! ♫" It was catchy as all get out.

Mo Rocca

This was the funniest thing that Mo said on the entire run of VH-1's I Love The series: "David Koresh probably really isn't the Messiah, and if he is then the FBI really screwed up."

Straight Outta The Navy Yard

Marina and I stopped by Hawkins this evening to hang with my brothers, their ladies and Xave's girlfriend Genie's two kids. After reading bedtime stories and playing a little Guitar Hero 5, Marina and I said our goodbyes and headed to the garage to say good night to the smoking section. Marina was giving out hugs to Lexi (David's gf) and Xave when Dave said,
"Whoa, whoa...Marina, you jus' drop the F-Bomb?"
"Uh, yeah I did. Y'got a problem with that?"
"Whatever...Sailor."
(laughs) "Oh, I am so a sailor. And I do live near a Port."
As Marina and I head down the drive to little Truman, Dave yells, "Hey, have a good night, fucker."
Whatever, we laughed like hell.

The Wheel

While watching Wheel of Fortune with my father, the female contestant went bonkers when she won the big cash prize. Da turned to me and said, "I think she browned her drawers." I'm sure she did.

Il Duce

Disclosure: Let me state that I am not a fan of this individual in any way shape or form.

Okay, on with the story. My cousin Ryan works as a jazz guitarist playing gigs all over Center City with various musicians. One evening last month, he was playing with Marco who decided to let Ryan have a solo while he stepped out to have a smoke. Marco is relaxing and looking up at the night sky when all of a sudden he hears, "Hey man, can a bum a smoke off ya?" He looks over and it was Danny Bonaduce. Apparently Bonaduce does a talk show for a local radio station and lives near the bar where Ryan and Marco were performing. As Marco was reaching in his pocket to give Bonaduce a cigarette a thought entered his head. He paused and withheld the cigarette and said, "If you want this smoke, you gotta stick your head in the door and tell my buddy Ryan playing the guitar 'hey'." (Hey, you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band, right?) So Ryan's in the middle of playing Corcovado when out of no where, the door beside him swings open and Danny Bonaduce looks in and says, "Hey, Rye, what's up?" and then disappears back into the night.

Southern Belle

Melissa was telling me of this fabulous gal she started working with who is a bona fide Southern Belle. Savannah Mae, that's her name, was telling of her sister Abigail's new puppy. She told Melissa, "Oh, his mama was a bowl-a-sugar and his daddy was a marshmallow. He is just a fluffy lil' ball-a-love."

The Cool Hand Luke of Hot Dogs

(photo by xavier kent)

It all started with Wayne telling Dave,

"I can eat 16 hot dogs."
"Get the hell out of here. There's no way you can do it, bro."
"Seriously, buns and fixings; the whole nine."

"I'd like to see that."

"I did a trial run."
"What, three?"
"No. Two."

Enormous laughter from Dave until he can say, "That's a trial run???"

"Well, I went into it imagining that I'd be eating sixteen."

"And?"

"And, it's gonna be tough."

Eventually Wayne stepped up but could only manage to eat seven. He wanted to save room for dessert. But we are still proud of his attempt.

Hilarious

Last night Daddy Pax & Bishop were entertaining me in their lovely abode and Pax showed me the funniest god damn thing I've seen in six months. Alexandra Billings in a short entitled "Katie's Corner Presents: How to Apply Makeup" that had me doubled over for the entire eight minutes. I officially love this woman and her impression of Katharine Hepburn is spot on. Check her out - you will not be disappointed!

Brilliance

Once my BFF and I were discussing our distaste of raisins and Amy summed up her feelings on the matter with this little nugget of genius: "Where there is a raisin, there could have easily been a chocolate chip."

The Mighty Quinn

Here is Xavier's truck, The Mighty Quinn (which incidentally, he purchased from my pal Melissa). Not too long ago, my brothers and I were all hanging out in the kitchen at Hawkins and Dave asked Xavier how the truck was running. Xave said, "Well, it only has a tape deck so I had to go diggin' through my closet and I found Dad's old cassette tape of the soundtrack to Footloose." Dave's response was, "That's the perfect vehicle for jamming out to the Footloose soundtrack. Except for maybe a combine." That's very true.

Fr. Michael Meets Gurt

"He looks as though he would tend to animals, like in his front yard."

Mommy Marina

When Marina was little she had a giant plastic baby doll who was as big as her. Marina loved this baby more than anything else, so she decided to give it the most beautiful name in the whole world. Septa.

Catholic School Blues

Last night Fr. Michael and I were reminiscing about grade school, he was several years beneath me, and he told me of a certain nun who taught after I had moved on to Junior High. Her name was Sister Bernice and she was, according to Michael, thee worst teacher ever. Each time the class would have a test she would say, "Hmm...today's test will be open book. And it's okay if you wish to share with your neighbor." So basically every test was open book and you were allowed to cheat off of the person next to you. Ridiculous. Then Michael said, "When Sr. Bernice would get mad, she'd get all red in the face and start yelling like a football player." The fact that he referenced the intensity of her rage to that of an American football player had me laughing til I cried. I asked Xavier if he had Sr. Bernice and his texted response was, "Yeah. She was a real c-word."

Good Vibrations

(photo kidnapped from comicbookmovie)

At work Marky Mark's Good Vibrations came on and instantly I swooned to Heart, "Oh my God, Heart, I had thee biggest crush on Marky Mark." She responded with, "I'm feelin' it." If you know the song as well as I, then you understand.

The Mouths of Babes

Marina was nannying with Aneres and they got on the topic of the facts of life. Aneres said, "You know that when I was five I actually thought that boys had boys and girls had girls." Her brother said that was totally stupid, but I think it's bloody brilliant and makes total sense.

Blasphemer!

One day I was reminising to a coworker about my days in Catholic school and the countless Sundays spent in church, "Just once at communion I wanted to ask the priest 'D'y'all have some cheese for this wafer? Jesus tastes better with brie, dontchya think?'" Was that bad?

En Español...

Marina started teaching Spanish to her third grade class today and so far she is in love with all of her kids. They seem like a pretty funny bunch. Today she told me that Karl raised his hand and asked, "Miss, do you know how to say 'buttered bald monkey head' in Spanish?"

Amen

Leaving Hawkins, Xavier noticed that my car is due for inspection in a month or so. I told him that Fr. Michael is still driving around in Jean-Michel (my old 626 that i sold to him two years back) with a sticker that expired November of last year. That's when Dave said, "He's inspected by God." Let's hope he doesn't get pulled over by an atheist cop.

This one's for you, Michael Douglas.

My brother Xavier is the king of movie quotes. He's so good that it's actually quite frightening. Last week at Hawkins, I knocked one out of the park. Marina was over and she was talking about her travels with Xavier & Wayne. She mentioned wanting to volunteer in Guam or Panama or Colombia. Xavier asked where in Colombia to which Marina replied "Cartagena. It's one of Colombia's largest cities and is right on the coast." I interrupted with, "Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena." Marina dismissed it because she didn't catch the reference but Wayne burst out laughing, "Man, that was a good one. I can't believe you pulled that one out." It was a proud moment in my humble little life.

(foto kidnapped from dvdbeaver)

Bad Blood

Tuesday afternoon my brothers David and Xavier were helping to move our brother Wayne and his father. Wayne's dad is eccentric like the way Phil Spector is eccentric. Dave told me that after sweating through 3 changes of clothes, they finally were able to make it to the back of the U-Haul truck without dropping dead from heat stroke. (It needs to be stated that Mr. Karis is a bit of a hoarder.) When Dave walked all the way to the back of the truck he saw a keg. He went to move it and discovered that it was near empty; as was the one beneath it. Dave sees Mr. Karis and hollers, "Hey, what's up with these kegs, man?"
"Oh, one is from Wayne's christening and the other is from Lydia's christening."
"You're shittin' me."
"No, really, they are."
"Well, you'll have til Friday to say goodbye cause we're dropping them at the curb."
And apparently they were Schaefer kegs. Yikes.

Outline This

Reminiscing at work with Heart the other day, I asked, "Heart, do you remember outliners? You'd push the tip down and then it'd underline in gold or silver."

"Uh, no, ya fancy rich kid from Cherry Hill."

It should be stated that outliners were never expensive and that I was most definitely not a rich kid in the 80s.

Kids...

Marina was telling me about how she was nannying for the kids and she and Aneres, the nine year old, were sitting outside a water ice place waiting on Aneres' brother and sister. It was hot as balls and little Aneres wiped the sweat from her top lip and sighed, "Uhhh....my moustache is so sweaty."

In the Loop

(picture kidnapped from mposter)

My favourite scene between Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi) and Linton Barwick (David Rasche):

Malcolm: "Linton."
Linton: "Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again."
"Are you fucking me about?"
(laughs) "Is there a problem Mr. Tucker?"
"I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old-child."
"Oh, you're talking about A.J. A.J. is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton college prep, Harvard, one of the brightest and best."
"Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in alphabetic spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord."
"Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age, but could we just move on to what's important here? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say fresh British Intelligence. Is that true?"
"Yeah, apparently your fucking master race of highly gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done..."
"Alright, alright."
"Between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So an actual grown up has been asked to fucking bail you out."

Genius writing by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Tony Roche, and Armando Iannucci.

Lies? Truth?

When my cousin was little, my Uncle John was showing him my grandfather's Knights of Columbus sword. Inscribed on the blade were the words Knights of Columbus and when Ezekiel saw it he said, "Wow....look at this ancient writing...Was he a knight?"
"Yes he was."
"WOW, did he ever slay any dragons, Dad?"
"................of course he did."

Ew.

After I had left The Aisles, I stopped in one day and ran into my favourite fella, Gluegen. We were catching up on things when I asked, with a touch of sarcasm, about a certain unpleasant co-worker. He was kind of rude and had a great big belly. The kind that Dr. Oz warns about as being a sign of looming diabetes. Well, the word down the aisles was that this guy probably had a tapeworm, so we (or rather, me) started referring to him as Tapeworm. I ask Glueg, "How's Tapeworm?" Now I had heard that he quit and went to Europe, but no one delivers news like Gluegs: "Oh, he went to Ireland to have his baby." Fucking hilarious.

Doctor Kildare

Last summer I went w/Marina to the family chiropractor and as the young new doctor walked over to the receptionist desk I leaned over and whispered to Marina, "I'd like to straighten his spine..." Makes zero sense, but therein lies the hilarity!

No Habla Español

Melissa was telling me of how Darlene, her roommate Marci's daughter, was watching TV and stopped on HBO in Spanish. Darlene (who has a bit of a speech impediment) turned to Marci and said, "Dare jus' makin' dat up, Mommy. Day don't know what dare sayin'. Right, Mommy?"

Blind Leading the Blind

Last night I was telling Melissa of the time Fr. Michael was dating a blind guy named Peter. I said that one time the two of them went to Chili's for dinner. They walk in to the hostess stand and Peter says, "Michael, where are we? This isn't Chili's."
"Yes it is. That's what the sign out front said. Wow, they must have really revamped this place. It's so nice...ooo, they have a waterfall!"
"Yes, I hear that, but I'm telling you, we are not in Chili's."
"Peter, I know how to read and the sign outside said Chili's. Here comes the hostess; I'll ask her."
That's when she informed them that they were indeed not in Chili's.
Melissa asked what ever happened to Peter and I replied, "Oh, he's not seeing him anymore." That's when Melissa burst out laughing and said, "Duh."

Settin' the Ladies Straight

One of Seven's stable of ladies over the years that I've known him had said to him one evening, "You know, Seven, you really should stop smoking. It's gross and I don't like it." His response was a no-nonsense, "Honey, these cigarettes have been around long before you and they will be here long after you're gone. Okay?"

Randall's Pony

For her 5th bday, Randall wanted a Spirograph. Instead her father bought her a horse. Named Satan. Not a pony, but a horse. Excuse me, let me clarify, a Tennessee Walker stallion. Satan was aptly named because not only did he kick down 2 stall doors, but he threw Randall's father and then attempted to stomp his head once Papa hit the dirt. Then when her mother tried to ride Satan, she also got thrown off and was left with a broken back. After witnessing this all first hand, one can imagine why Randall never went near Satan. Apparently Tennessee Walkers are supposed to be calm, easily trained creatures, and I stress the word apparently. Randall's mother's back eventually healed and they sold Satan to someone who I'm sure had no idea what he was in for.

Wayne's Fashion Sense

"I don't know fashion, but I'm pretty sure that chick is wearin' a janitor's mop."

DC, Meet Jersey

A couple months back, Marina's college crew had met up in DC. Oon and Matthew and some of Oon's friends were walking back from dinner when a certain gentleman out on his front stoop gave a catcall to one of the ladies in the group. They stopped and pointed out that he was being really disrespectful. He didn't like hearing that and things escalated until he came down the steps and got in Matthew's face:

"You wanna call the fuckin' cops, they rite down there. Call the fuckin' cops, I fuckin' dare ya."
"Sir, I'd call a dentist before I'd call a cop if I were you."
"What did you just say??"
"1-800-DENTIST. Dial it up, ok? Sir, you could open cans with those chompers."

As they walked away, feeling as though this man had been knocked down a peg and put in his place, he starts shouting after them. Oon turned around and screamed back, "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" Later, Oon told Marina, "We brought that Jersey street shit to DC, honey." Hell to the mutha-fuckin' yeah on that one.

Bill from Produce Returns

One afternoon as I was clocking in, Bill came over and said that the new produce manager left him and his fellow coworker a note saying "There are two pallets of watermelons. Do something with them. Be creative." I couldn't help but laugh. Two pallets?? That's like two hundred watermelons. Bill brought me over to the produce cooler and as I peered around the plastic strips and into the walk-in, I saw the two giant pallets blocking everything. I gasped and asked what the hell he was gonna do. "Oh, yeah, I got that covered." Later Bill told me that when she came in, Bill said, "Oh hey, Jane, I took care of the watermelons; sold both pallets." "Really?" she exclaimed, "Wow, that's incredible." "Yeah, Gallagher's doin' a show so we sold 'em to him."

Swingin' Days in London

Best name for a shop ever: I Was Lord Kitchener's Valet

Hilarity in the Kitch

My brother, Dave, was describing the Jack Daniels Chicken Cheese Steak he had the other day to me and our brother Wayne. He said, "It was fuckin' scrumptious."
I told this to Marina and after laughing her ass off, she motioned with her left hand and said, "Hardcore," then motioned with her right hand, "I'm a pansy," clapped them together and said, "Let's meet in the middle. Seriously, it's like saying something is 'god damn delightful'. Who says that?" Only in our family, man.

Difference of Opinion

Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend Noelle from the neighborhood. I was helping her put stuff in the back of her parents' mini-van (she's ten) when I noticed two blankets, one Hello Kitty and one Dora the Explorer. I knew that the HK one was Noelle's sister, Rebecca's, so I said, "Oh, cool, you've got a Dora blankey!"
"Yeah...I really wanted a Hello Kitty one..."
"You don't like Dora?!"
"No."
"What about Diego?"
"They're the same thing."
"Nuh-uh. I like Diego. I think he's hawt. I wanna kiss him."
Then Noelle got a horrified look on her face and said, "Ew...he's a preschooler!"
It's worth Noelle and Rebecca thinking I'm the weirdest girl on the block just to see their reaction to my crazy comments.

Put 'em Up

Tonight at dinner Amy and I were swapping random stories and thoughts. Somehow we got on the topic of bank robberies and I told her that should she ever be in a situation where a gun is held to her head, she should give as many details about her personal life as possible to the gunman. This is because it will hopefully allow the armed psycho to see that she is a person with a husband and a family and not just a random face in the crowd who is disposable. (thank you grey's anatomy for this info) Amy got all Clint Eastwood and pointing at me as though I were the gunman, yelled, "I'm a blood donor, god damn it!" You tell 'im, honey!

Gigi's Favourite Line

Gigi at work loves to say this in a sarcastic, exasperated tone, and it always cracks me up, "I haven't had this much fun since John died." She later explained that a friend of hers used to say it and that neither of them have any clue who John is or was.

Fear on the Porch

Melissa lives with her friend, Marci, and Marci's two daughters, Carla, ten, and Darlene, nine years. The other night their father was dropping them off after nightfall while Melissa and Marci were relaxing on the sofa. All of a sudden they hear screams from outside and then both girls' voices hollering, "POSSUM!! POSSUUUUUUUUMMMMM!!!" Then the screen door flings open and you could hear them frantically twisting the locked doorknob. Carla starts banging her fist on the door as Darlene started kicking it until she had finally had enough and screamed, "Open the FUCKING door!!!" Marci then ran to the door to chastise Darlene as Melis was doubled over on the couch.

Laine's Had Enough

Store meetings at The Hellmouth usually consist of boring shit that either no one hears or we already knew to begin with. At one of these meetings, the GM was saying that with each sale made the cashier needs to mention whatever book is being pushed for that month as well as recommending something similar to their purchase. (Sidebar - Blaine is famous for suggesting Charles Dickens' David Copperfield for everything. Example: "Ma'am, would you like a copy of David Copperfield with your Lindor Truffle?") Anyway...at the meeting the GM went on and on about what suggestions should be made and so on and so forth until Laine had heard enough and blurted out, "What next? Do we ask if they want a blow job with their Oprah book selection?" Daaaammmmmn! Laine is a gal who does not hold back.

Shadowlands

In September of '94 while watching this film I asked my father why the Brits were celebrating with fireworks in a very 4th of July sort of way. He responded,"They're celebrating the day the King shit a golden brick."

He's So Hawt.... (used to be, that is)

Last night Marina and I went to Hawkins to hang with my brothers Xave & Wayne. We arrived during The Ride of the Valkyries scene in Apocalypse Now. Marina had never watched the movie and so I was telling her that the young men she saw were none other than Martin Sheen ("What? You mean that's not Emilio Estevez???"), Larry Fishburne, and Robert Duvall. As Duvall walks across the sandy beach, Marina says, "Mmm...he's hoootttt. I would so climb on top of that..." Well, don't hold back, sweetie. (Sadly, Duvall grew into a cantankerous old coot that turns my stomach.)

Slip & Slide

In my life I have achieved very little. However, I am proud to say that I have actually slipped on a banana peel. I shall repeat, I have seriously slipped on a banana peel - like in cartoons and vaudeville. This occurred a mere four days after I had declared to friends that seeing someone slip on a banana peel isn't funny, it's ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. I mean, how could someone not see a banana peel??? So, I was in the back room during my Aisle days when I saw a banana peel lying in the center of the floor. I chuckled and thought, "See, I was right cuz there it is and I didn't slip on it." I kicked it under the Penco shelving and went about my business. Not fifteen minutes go by and I'm walking with my boss beside those very same Penco shelves when, WHOOPS!, my heel hits the naner and I would have damn near busted my ass on the floor if Bob hadn't caught me at the last second. I then shouted, "I can't believe that just fuckin' happened! I totally slipped on a banana peel! I am Groucho freakin' Marx!" One of my proudest days...

Fr. Michael Gets Mildly Nasty

Michael and I had met nearly twelve years ago, but didn't become close until three years later. One thing Michael loves to do is reminisce; Thursday night we were looking through old photographs and came upon a picture of a gal we once worked with. She was nice enough but she wasn't overly friendly or easy to chat with, plus she didn't smoke, so that bonding session never occurred. Anyway, Michael saw her picture and said, "Whew. Remember her? She was a healthy girl..."

Some People

At work the other day, I pulled in next to a pickup truck that had a pair of dark blue testicles dangling from the undercarriage. I absolutely detest this. The only thing worse than driving behind a truck displaying a pair of phony balls is driving behind a truck with the rotting corpse of a deer hanging off it. Anyhow, I head into work and discover that the owner of said truck is none other than my boss' ex-husband. (If it wasn't a slur against decent southerners, I'd call him a redneck, but...) So, I see MacGillicudy and after listening to him ramble on for fifteen minutes about whatever bullshit he was spewing, I asked if that was his pickup in the lot. He said yeah and when I made mention of the testicles he got a big goofy grin on his face and gave a hearty, prideful chuckle. I chuckled right back and said, "Huh, I guess you aren't aware of the other meaning." He stopped laughing and asked what I meant. So just to fuck with him I said, "Oh well, y'know. In the gay community, that signifies that you're a bottom." Long, dead silence. One of the women I work with said, "What's a 'bottom'?" I informed them, "A bottom, y'know, a catcher...the one who takes it from behind..." MacGillicudy then made a quick exit. Fuckin' jackass. Maybe he'll take that shit down offa his truck for good.

Repairs Required

Apparently not long ago there was a piece on the local news about a bunny found severely injured in the woods Two Towns From Utopia. They had to do massive re-constructive surgery on its face, but he was gonna be just fine. Marina remarked, "If the township can fix that thing's face, they should be able to fix the roads." 'Should' is most definitely the operative word in that sentence.

Preach!

Text message conversation last night between myself and Xavier:

"Have you been hearing the madness that is Mel Gibson?"
"Yeah. He's a dick. It's a good thing he's already rich because I doubt he'll be working too much more."

"It's such a shame and an embarrassment. It's sad when people with potential for goodness fall so short. I mean, way to flush your talent and career down the shitter."
"That's what ya get for hating on God's chosen people."

Fr. Michael Gets Disrespected

Fr. Michael had a rather unpleasant experience at the local Whole Foods Market. He accidentally went in through the out door and stepped aside to let an older gentleman pass. Michael smiled politely and greeted him with a cheery "Hello." The gentleman kept on walking without replying or even noticing Michael. He told me, "Liza, he looked right through me as if I wasn't even there. Like it was the fucking slave trade and I was Kunta Kinte. He was so rude!"

The $10,000 Aisle

When I worked the aisles, one thing that customers would do that I absolutely detested was when they would walk up to me and say what they were looking for. No "hello", no "excuse me" or "where can I find", they just come right up and blurt out "spaghetti" and I'm supposed to know what they want. I always wanted to turn to them and say, "Things-in-a-restaurant, things-you-eat, things-Nana-makes-for-dinner, things-you-find-in-a-cupboard!!" But alas, the opportunity never arose...

Rita's New Flavor

Directly next to Rita's Water Ice on the Bristol Pike is the Woodhaven Greenery. Driving past there Marina let out a groan that was immediately followed by a bolt of laughter. The Greenery had a sign that said "Special - Black Mulch" and for a flicker of an instant she though the sign was advertising a new flavor of Rita's water ice. Marina said, "I read that and was like, 'Jesus, I thought Marshmallow Peeps was a stretch as a flavor, but black mulch??' Too funny."

The Russian

After five freakin' years, my boss finally got around to fixing the bay door at the warehouse. The man who came to repair it was a charming Russian with a contagious carefree attitude. I was packing boxes and jammin' out to Marc Anthony's Contra la Corriente but overheard him asking Heart why it took five years to call someone out to fix the door. She got called away to the phone and was not able to answer him. A couple hours later as he was finishing up, he turned to Heart and said, "Now I see why it has taken five years to fix this." Heart, I could tell, immediately went on the defensive, but the Russian continued to explain himself, "The smells are good here, everyone is happy, there is good music. Everything is nice. There is no reason to worry about silly broken doors." Totally charming.

What About Bob?

"Is this hand shucked?"
Best Bill Murray line ever. It's impossible for me to be offered corn without asking this question.

Marina's Favourite Word

One thing Marina and I have in common is our love of a good rant. Last month Marina went off on a tear about men referring to women as cunts. She said, "Oh, I'm sorry, my 'cunt' didn't seem to bother you last night when we were fucking or when I gave birth to your child. I mean, just say asshole, everybody's got one. It's gender unbiased. It's gender neutral." Amen, sister.

Jared's Gettin' Pissed

A handful of July 4ths ago, Jared and I were stuck working, rather than attending a family cookout. We had actually been looking forward to it because we figured it'd be dead and we could relax and chill together. That was so not the case. The freakin' café was jam packed and we never saw a moment's peace. In our anger and disappointment, Jared turned to me and said, "Look at these unpatriotic commie bastards. These fuckers oughta be out at a barbecue with their families celebrating their freedom and independence, but no, they come here in droves like, like..." "Like fucking lemmings," I added. Jared pointed right at me and said, "Yer goddamn right. Like fucking lemmings."

Hostile much?

A few years back I was at my parents' and Mama was remarking that my father was overdue for a haircut. She offered her services, once again, to break out the shears and trim him up. He said no thank you, but she persisted and went on and on about how it's so simple and how she's cut the boys' hair and it would only take two seconds. Still he stood his ground and said that he would set up an appointment for this week. Unable to accept defeat, Mum pleaded and reminded him that there was no reason why he should pay someone to cut his hair when she was quite capable of carrying out the task herself. That apparently was the last straw because my father finally exploded and yelled, "What can I say! I'm gay for the barber! Now leave me alone about the damn haircut already!"

Down and Dirty

Somehow while hanging in the bulk closet during my aisle days, the topic of KY products came up in a discussion btwn myself, Princess Brooklyn, and Gurt. At one point Princess meant to say KY warming jelly but said KY Mouthwash. We chuckled at the thought and then she went into her advertising voice, "KY Mouthwash, for people who spit and don't like the taste." KY, get crackin' on that.

Mom Zombie

Few things in this world were as disturbing as the time I came home from work (i still lived with my parents at this point) to find Mama Rose at the kitchen sink, soapin' up the dishes with Palmolive, and listening to Rob Zombie's "Dragula" on the house computer. More disturbing than all that was the fact that she was singing along with the track. Like seriously belting out words like "Dig thru the ditches and burn thru the witches and slam in the back of my Drag-ula!" in her operatic, high pitched voice. Clearly, Xavier was still being driven around town by Mum and this was how she became acquainted with "that Zombie fella," as she called him. Ah, that boy kept her young, hip, and current on all that is new and fabulous.

(at first, mum was not terribly pleased with mr. zombie's look - dredlocks are her least favourite thing next to discovering goose feces on her newly manicured lawn - but when she saw this ↓ picture she said, "aw, he has such a nice face. why he would ever want to hide beneath those messy dredlocks is simply beyond me!")

Foodies

My cousin Marina is, like so many of my friends and family, obsessed with food. Mostly, she is obsessed with discussing the food she is eating, has ate, and will eat. She and her brother Ryan were having dinner the other night when he paused mid-bite and said, "Mmm, this is like a carnival in my mouth." Christ, her disorder is spreading like butter melting in a skillet. Now what to place in that skillet...

Great Title

Jim Goad wrote a book entitled, "Shit Magnet: One Man's Miraculous Ability to Absorb the World's Guilt" and that title rocks.

Wayne In Paris

Last night my brother Wayne and I were chatting about travel and all the places we want to visit. He told me of his trip a few years ago to Paris and how you really feel completely different the moment you set foot in the city. Wayne, like all of my brothers, has an uncanny way of saying things in such a way that sends me doubled over laughing. I said that all I wanted was to sit in an outdoor café, watch the city and its people and enjoy a cigarette. That's when Wayne spoke of how Paris is filled with the world's most beautiful and charming cafés and stated, "It's a fantasy-land." Fantasy-land??! Hilarious.

Archie Bunker

When my father was in his forties he greatly resembled actor Carroll O'Connor. Da loves to tell of the time he was leaving work in Center City (looking very Archie Bunker with his dark trousers, white button down shirt, black shoes and no tie) and walking to his car. A large black man walking the opposite direction, sees my father, pauses and says, "Eh, anybody ever tell you you look just like Archie Bunker, man?" Not skipping a beat, my father throws up his hands as if in a hold-up and replies, "I don't think like him, man!"

Snores

Michael's BF is apparently quite the snorer and Michael described it as such: "Liza, the snoring, it is unbearable. It's like a constant low bass car horn. When he's not snoring he's got the wind tunnel blowing in my ear."
That fella's lucky that Michael sure does love him a lot.
(i actually find snoring mildly endearing and comforting...)

Me = Weird

I found a page the other day that had a random list of email subject lines that I had sent to friends back in the day. Some of them were kinda funny. Judge for yourself:

Vandalizing cars is my hobby.
Spinal columns are not just for straight people.
My loafers have untied laces.
Pirate's gold is for Pirates.
Marsupials live in my toaster.
Peanut Brittle makes for excellent shingles.
I eat potato chips for breakfast.
Marshmallow cupcakes.
Flash Gordon is my personal hair stylist.

Some of these were so cute that I fear there is no possible way that I could have come up with them. Especially the spinal columns one. That cracks me up.

Monty Python

Scene: John Cleese sits behind a desk and has the following dialogue with a gentleman-
"I understand that you wish to become an icon."
"Uh...is it difficult?"

The absurd often times generates the biggest laughs from me.

Puddin'

There are two games that I love to play in the car on long trips. Scratch that; on all trips. That is Bingo and Puddin'. Bingo is when you holler "Bingo!" when seeing a yellow car or truck (that isn't a utility/work vehicle) and by the end of the journey, whoever had the highest number is the winner. My nieces and I are addicted to it.
But few games bring as much laughter as Puddin'. It's simple; you think of a film and replace one of the words with Puddin'. Example: Hey Hey, It's Esther Blueberger could become Hey Hey, It's Esther Puddinberger. Here is a LONG list of examples from my old blog from 2006:
Rocky Horror Puddin' Show
Creature from the Black Puddin'
Blazing Puddin'
Jesus Christ Puddin' Hunter
When A Puddin' Calls Back
The Puddin' Book
28 Puddin's Later
Night of the Living Puddin'
The Towering Puddin'
The Puddin' Escape
Once More With Puddin'
Howard's Puddin'
The Silence of the Puddin'
Faster Pussycat Puddin' Puddin'
The Puddin' Has Eyes
Texas Puddin' Massacre
Peggy Sue Got Puddin'
The Eyes of Laura Puddin'
Citizen Puddin'
Gosford Puddin'
Remains of the Puddin'
9 1/2 Puddin's
Risky Puddin'
Dirty Puddin'
The Day the Puddin' Stood Still
Somewhere in Puddin'
The Four Puddin's
Puddin' to Me
Pretty in Puddin'
High Road to Puddin'
12 Angry Puddin''s
Ferris Puddin's Day Off
The Puddin' of Greenwich Village
Adventures in Puddin'
Mrs. Puddin' Presents
Pride & Puddin'
Puddin' & Prejudice
Bridget Jones' Puddin' Diary
Beyond Puddin'
Twin Peaks: Puddin' Walk With Me
La Dolce Puddin'
Mulholland Puddin'
The Last Temptation of Puddin'
What Ever Happened to Baby Puddin'?
Rosemary's Puddin'
Octopuddin'
The Maltese Puddin'
Puddin's are Forever
Flight of the Puddin'
From Puddin' With Love
Little House on the Puddin'
The Puddin' Rose of Cairo
Midnight Puddin'
All About Puddin'
3 Men & a Puddin'
Deer Puddin'
The Journey of Natty Puddin'
Curly Puddin'
The End of the Puddin'
Bye Bye Puddin'
Gone With the Puddin'
The Manchurian Puddin'
North By North Puddin'
They Shoot Puddin' Don't They
The Sound of Puddin'
West Side Puddin'
Stealing Puddin'
Pink Floyd's The Puddin'
Lady Sings the Puddin'
Easy Puddin'
It's A Wonderful Puddin'
Puddin' at Tiffany's
It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Puddin'
Broadcast Puddin'
The Lost Puddin'
198puddin'
The Puddin' of Madison County
Rear Puddin' (sounds like a discharge)
Puddin' on 34th Street
The Pud, The Bad, & The Ugly
The Madness of King Puddin'
6 Degrees of Puddin'
Under the Cherry Puddin'
Seven Brides for Seven Puddin's
How Stella Got Her Puddin' Back
Plan Puddin' from Outer Space
All the President's Puddin'
The Wicker Puddin'
Regarding Puddin'
Puddin' on the Ritz
Easter Puddin'
White Puddin' Can't Jump
A Tale of Two Puddin's
The Exorcism of Puddin' Rose
Puddin' of the Baskervilles
You've Got Puddin'
O Puddin' Where Art Thou
Meet Me in St. Puddin'
Boyz in the Puddin'
Fistful of Puddin'
Field of Puddin'
Sleepless in Puddin'
The Andromeda Puddin'
Nightmare on Puddin' Street
The Puddin' Clause
Pee Wee's Big Puddin'
Of Mice & Puddin'
East of Puddin'
Not Without My Puddin'
Don't Be A Menace to South Central While Eatin' Your Puddin' in the Hood
How to Lose A Puddin' in Ten Days
Ace Ventura: Puddin' Detective
Puddin' Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Anatomy of a Puddin'
Streetcar Named Puddin'
Ben-Puddin'
Throw Puddin' From the Train
This Puddin' is Condemned
Suddenly Last Puddin'
Desperately Seeking Puddin'
Who's That Puddin'
Bill & Ted's Excellent Puddin'
Saving Private Puddin'
Behind the Puddin' Door
Debbie Does Puddin'
Earth Puddin's Are Easy
Spiderpuddin'
When Harry Met Puddin'
How Green Was My Puddin'
I Never Promised You a Puddin' Garden
50 1st Puddin's
War of the Puddin's
Puddin' on a Plane
Valley of the Puddin'
Good Night & Good Puddin'
The Devil Wears Puddin'
Hitchhikers Guide to Puddin'
The World According to Puddin'
Puddin' Blvd.
Less than Puddin'
A Fish Called Puddin'
Lord of The Puddin'
-The Fellowship of the Puddin'
-The Two Puddin's
-The Return of the Puddin'
Scent of a Puddin'
Mystic Puddin'
The Puddin' of the Mohicans
The Trouble with Puddin'
Annie Get Your Puddin'
Million Dollar Puddin' (served at the Algonquin Hotel)
The Puddin' Brief
Prêt-à-Puddin'
Psycho Beach Puddin'
Alien vs. Puddin'
Office Puddin'
Monty Python's Holy Puddin'
Life of Puddin'
La Belle et la Puddin'
The Puddin' of the Christ
Jesus Christ Superpuddin'
The Truth About Cats & Puddin'
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Puddin's
Napoleon Puddin'
Spongebob Puddin' Pants: The Movie
The Blues Puddin'
Puddin' at Heart
Puddin' Streets
Welcome to the Puddin'
The House on Puddin' Hill
The Flying Leather Puddin's
The Quiet Puddin'

These are ones that Blaine came up with:

I Was A Teenage Puddin'
House of 1000 Puddin's
The Puddin' Always Rings Twice
She's Having A Puddin'
Stir of Puddin's
Bringing Up Puddin' (sounds like they're a little ill)
House of Flying Puddin's
Crouching Tiger HIdden Puddin'
The Puddin' Under the Stairs
Schindler's Puddin'
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Puddin'
Weird Puddin'
The Owl and the Puddin'cat
The Mirror Has Two Puddin's
On a Clear Day You Can See Puddin'
The Lion in Puddin'
Puddin' of the Year
To Have and Have Puddin'
Farewell, My Puddin'
Dude, Somebody Stole My Puddin'
Shadow of a Puddin'
Puddin' in the Rain
20,000 Puddin's Under the Sea
Lara Croft: Puddin' Raider
Fried Green Puddin's
Star Wars: The Puddin' Menace
Groundhog Puddin'
A Low Down Dirty Puddin'
Puddin'fellas
Madonna: Truth or Puddin'
The Puddin' of Dr. Caligari
Ordinary Puddin's
Die, Puddin', Die!
I Walked With A Puddin'
Cat Puddin'
Curse of the Cat Puddin'
Lethal Puddin'
Mad Max Beyond Thunderpuddin'
Puddin' Interrupted
The 40 Year Old Puddin'
Bring Me the Puddin' of Alfredo Garcia
The Pudd Earth (by Pearl S. Buck)
Raging Puddin'
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Puddin'
The Puddin' Was Green
The Long Hot Puddin'
Pud (starring Paul Newman!)
Clear and Present Puddin'
Rebel Without A Puddin'
Porn Star: The Legend of Ron's Puddin'
Inherit the Puddin'
Arsenic and Old Puddin'
8 Puddin's in a Duffelbag
Under a Tuscan Puddin'
Barefoot in the Puddin'
Close Encounters of the Puddin' Kind
Dick Puddin' (starring Warren Beatty)
Risky Puddin'
Puddin's of the Caribbean
Trading Puddin's
Full Metal Puddin'
Coal Miner's Puddin'
Puddin' and Maude
Manos, Hands of Puddin'
Puddin' Got Served
Invasion of the Puddin' Snatchers
I Am A Fugitive from a Puddin' Gang
Puddin' of the Apes
Soylent Puddin' (Ahhh! The Puddin' is PEEEEEEEEEEOPLE!!!)
Puddin'ship Down
Terminator 2: Puddin' Day
Indepuddin's Day (IP4)
Polterpuddin'
Bedknobs and Puddin'sticks
Puddin'shack
A Cool, Dry Puddin'
Bio-Puddin'
Big Top Puddin' Wee
Shall We Puddin'
A Puddin' To Remember
Wait Until Puddin'
With Six You Get Puddin'
Curse of the Mummy's Puddin'
The Angry Red Puddin'
Forbidden Puddin'
Bleak Puddin' (by Charles Dickens and nominated for a bunch of Emmys)
The Courtship of Eddie's Puddin'
Journey to the Center of the Puddin'
What's Eating Gilbert Puddin'
A Puddin' is Born
Out of the Puddin'
The DaVinci Puddin'
Guess Who's Coming to Puddin'
Harold & Kumar Go to Puddin' Castle
The Puddin' Brief
The Puddin' Vanishes
Dead Men Don't Wear Puddin'
The Wild World of Batpuddin'
The Puddin' Trap
The Legend of Lizzie Puddin'
Two Puddin's Before the Mast
The Puddin'slayer
Rasputin the Mad Puddin'
Any Given Puddin'
The 7th Puddin' of Sinbad
The French Lieutenant's Puddin'
I Married a Puddin' from Outer Space
An Officer and a Puddin'
The Roman Puddin' of Mrs. Stone
Shirley Puddin'tine
Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Puddin'?
Island of Lost Puddin's
Voyage to the Bottom of the Puddin'
Have Puddin', Will Travel
Star Trek III: The Search for Puddin'
The Puddin's Have Eyes
Puddstock: The Movie
Ed Pudd
Dracula Has Risen from the Puddin'
Fat Man and Little Puddin'
Rosenkrantz & Guildenstern are Puddin's
Much Ado About Puddin'
H. R. Puddin'stuf
Mary Puddin's
Enter the Puddin' (with Bruce Lee)
Jefferson In Puddin'
Puddin' Along the Mohawk
Five Easy Puddin's

This game is essentially endless and I highly recommend coming up with your own. It's a fab way to pass the time!

Baldwin Gems

Years ago, Alec Baldwin guest starred on an episode of Friends playing Parker, Phoebe's date. Parker was overly excited about life and totally over-the-top. Every single thing that he said was beyond hilarious. Here are a few of the best:

"Oh my God! You look so fantastic! On my way over I pictured what you would look like in my mind's eye and now I'm like, 'Mind's eye, you had no idea!'"
"Massapequa, it sounds magical. Tell me about Massapequa. Is it steeped in Native American history?"
"Can I just say that your driving is exquisite?"
"What a beautiful place. What a great night. I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C, I felt so lucky. Think of all the good times that happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs, both bar and bat. None of them will compare with tonight. My God, I don't want to forget this moment. It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all...............CLICK!"
"Look at this plate-bouncy thing! What an inspired solution to man's plate dispensing problems."
"My God, what a fantastically well-lit hallway!"
"I must say this apartment, it's...(snaps fingers in search of description)...there are no words. It's a haven! A third floor paradise, a modern day Eden!"

The Steak Pit

Last night, Marina, myself, Wayne, Dave, Xavier, and Xavier's gorgeous gal, Genie Montana all went to the local Steak Pit for an evening of wining and dining. Our cousin, Ryan was performing with his jazz group and we were sittin' pretty like the Rat Pack right next to the action in a swanky ¾ moon booth.
After some Mojitos, Mango Margaritas, Long Islands, Captain & Coke, Standards, and Stella Artois we all relaxed into a long strand of hilarious anecdotes and slightly loud conversations on highly inappropriate topics. It's what our family does best.
Dave was recalling a time that he and Uncle Johnny had VIP box seats for Flyers games at the First Union Center. Most times he & Johnny would get so caught up with cigar smoking, schmoozing and boozing that the game was merely white noise in the background. After several cocktails, Dave was in a grand mood. That's when another VIPer hollers, "Hey! Paul!!" Dave, for some inexplicable reason, smiled broadly and yelled back, "Hey man, how the hell are ya?" It should be known that he has no idea who this man was or why he was calling him Paul. The man continued to talk to Dave as if they were old friends, "So, Paul, great season, man. Great season." Dave responded, "Yeah, man, but tough, tough season." He later discovered that he was being mistaken for Formula One driver, Paul Tracy. I looked up pictures and the resemblance is really uncanny.
Ever the prankster, every game following that evening, Uncle John reveled in engaging with the gentlemen by asking, "Did this guy have a phenomenal season or what?" It always managed to get the two of them many a free drink. Brilliance runs in our family.

Oops...

Last night Michael was telling me of the time when he worked at BCC and greeted a group of women with, "Hi girls!" Apparently some of the ladies took offense. "Liza, this African-American woman looked at me as if I had just reopened the slave trade outside."

Cold Souls

The best line in this entire film is when Paul Giamatti clutches his proverbial pearls and gasps, "Are you telling me that my soul is a chickpea?"

Confidence

Two days ago I was driving to my parents' place when I saw a seventy-five year old man jogging. He was wearing 1970s short green shorts and a matching midriff. Also, he had a fuzzy flat tummy.

Crazy Mike

In February of '06 Crazy, Matt, & I were chatting in the backroom about how Crazy's car seemed like the carpet bag from Mary Poppins. He conceded when admitting, "Yeah, I've got everything in my car; shoes, shirts, pants, I've even got a couple Asian women left over from the 60s."

Mum + Da + Moondoggie

I was asking my mum the other day about when she first started to talk to my father. They worked together starting in 1969 but didn't become friendly until '71. At the time she was a naïve nineteen year old and Da was a suave older gent. Apparently, Mum had no idea that he was taking an interest in her when one time he asked about her plans for the weekend. Her response had me in stitches. Here is the convo:
"So, Roe, do you have any plans this weekend?"
"I'm probably going to the beach with my boyfriend to go riding in his Dune Buggy."
Dune Buggy??? Well, go on, Gidget.

Penny on "Billie Jean"

"This is the best song about a paternity suit ever!"

Meet Ava

Marina was going to pick the girls up for a doctor's appointment and found the two of them sidewalk chalking with their neighbor, five year old Ava. Marina walks over to the gals and her greeting was met with Ava's, "Hi. I hate eggplant." Marina busted out laughing and replied, "Hmm...interesting. Tell me what you love." In her matter of fact way, Ava stated, "Meatballs."

Fran from Produce

While on a smoke break out at the tables, I overheard Bethany and Fran chatting with some of the crew from the front end. They were discussing the upcoming weekend and Fran was saying that he and the fam were hitting the beach and Fran said he hoped that he would not be subjected to see any old men in speedos. "Yeah, but I bet you don't mind women in thongs," Bethany stated. "Honey," Fran responded, "I like thongs more than I like chocolate cake."
Best line ever.

Hilarious Quote

Roseanne on life after Tom Arnold: "I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow." Ouch.

Silly Jokey Number Two

A few years back Sleeves told me this joke at the bar:
"How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"Uh...I dunno. How many?"
"Hey! Wanna go ride bikes???"

Frozen Mike Speaks Out

Working with Mike in Frozen was always a hoot. One Thursday afternoon he was helping an attractive female customer and was actually chatting her up a bit. Very Un-Frozen Mike, since he was usually quite silent and reserved. A few minutes later he came over to me and still looking back at her stated, "I'm better looking than her boyfriend." I glanced over at her and noticed that she was walking off with a guy. Mike continued, "She should be with me. But he's tall. Stocky boys like me don't get love. Not since the thirties."

Disturbing

Visiting a friend at a nursing home out in Rosemont, I was disturbed when I saw this sign hanging by the entrance - the employee entrance.

How many people had to bring in handguns before they felt the need for this sign? And where would one purchase such a sign? I'm baffled, and frankly, quite tempted to smuggle in my Beretta 90two.

Reflecting

Sifting through my memory bank today, I remembered one time when Xave and I were alone at the parents' house and got to rootin' around the cupboards lookin' for snacks. In the skinny cabinet next to the fridge on the top shelf we saw a rectangular white box that could only have come from a chocolate shop. That's when Mister six foot one reached up, brought it down, opened the box and we saw its lovely contents - a single row of at least thirty dark chocolate covered pretzels. Xavier and I looked up into each other's eyes with glee at our discovery. We knew we'd get in a shitload of trouble for eating Mum's goodies, but we didn't care. That's when Xavier said, "Jesus, lookit that, it's like a Rambo clip of fuckin' chocolate covered pretzels." Dude, it so was.

Practical Joke Gone Awry

When Wayne was in 4th grade, he wanted to play a practical joke on his teacher, Mrs. Baba. When she left the room, Wayne put a whoopie cushion on her chair and when she came back in she didn't see it, sat down and presto! the classroom erupted into raucous laughter. Naturally, Mrs. Baba was incredibly displeased. As she stood up and removed the whoopie cushion she called Wayne to the front of the class. He was shocked; how could she know who played the prank? Because Wayne's mother (he's my brother from another mother) wrote "Wayne Karis 4-B" on the whoopie cushion. LO freakin' L!

Introducing Bill's Brother Steven

Hanging out with Bill from produce as often as I did, I was able to meet several of his fabulous family members - his parents, his soon-to-be wife, Robin, and his hilarious and adorable brother, Steven. Once Bill told me that Steven's wife Nancy had been ill for a while and that the medication she was on for her migraine wasn't helping. Steven, good husband that he is, called the pharmacist and explained that his wife's prescription wasn't doing the trick. When asked by said pharmacist what medication Nancy was currently taking, Steven replied, with complete and utter certainty, "Peyote. She's taking peyote." Apparently Nancy had been tripping in the desert with The Doors. Tsk, tsk...

Storytime

Tonight in the garage at Hawkins, Xavier, Marina and myself were listening as Wayne told us about his day, "At my job, specifically the area I work at, is very button-up and very conservative. Well, this woman in one of the other departments is a little rough around the edges and today she came over and said she had a story she wanted to tell us. Anytime someone says this, you immediately don't want to hear the story because if per chance it's mildly offensive, you don't want to be anywhere near the conversation because then you are considered guilty by association, y'know? Okay, so she comes over and tells me, 'My sister has a son with Down Syndrome, right? And he's a really sweet kid, but he's a big guy and he's really strong. Well, today she gets a call from Francis when she's at work saying that he found a leprechaun and that she needs to come home right away. So my sister says to stop playing and that he doesn't have a leprechaun but he insists that he does and so she leaves work to go home. My sister gets home and my nephew says that he caught a leprechaun and that it's in the closet. She looks at the hall closet and sees that Francis barricaded chairs and stuff in front of it. She moves everything, opens the closet and there's a midget in the closet.' Seriously," Wayne continues, "she said midget like right out loud. She said he was the census taker. I mean I was laughing but she's saying midget and census taker and I'm like, 'I've got work I need to do.' Man, it was pretty insane."
I personally, was doubled over laughing. I mean, forget the birth of Christ, this is the greatest story ever told.
Later, I got home and Fr. Michael came over. I told him the story and he was cracking up as well and then he got very serious and stated, "Well, it's lucky that boy didn't kill that poor man. I mean, honestly, he may have thought the man was a goblin. That telephone call could have been Mom, I killed a goblin, you know?" I seriously peed my pants a little when Michael said goblin.
(i'd like to note that wayne listed census taker along with midget as if saying census taker is as offensive and degrading as the term midget.)
(dang! apparently this gal was havin' a laff with wayne. he later informed me that this was a big ole hoax. i honestly could care less b/c it provided me with some much needed laughter!)

Gluegens

Workin' the aisles one afternoon, Gluegens pulled me into the backroom to tell me of his run in with a certain German customer. "Schlagens (that was what Joe called me - our work names are derived from an imaginary brand of sauerkraut), you're not gonna believe this. I'm shelving the dog food and this woman comes up and asks me in this thick German accent if I have a penis." "Get the fuck outta here, she did not." "Hand to God, she looked me dead in the eye and said, 'You 'ave pea-nis?' and I started to unzip and told her, 'Hey baby, I got what you want...' when she shouted, 'No! No! Pea-nuts! Do you 'ave pea-nuts??' I was a little disappointed, Schlag."

Big Edie Beale

When discussing the raid on Grey Gardens by the Health Department she stated that, "It was the most disgusting, atrocious thing ever to happen in America." And Big Edie never exaggerated (she types with one raised eyebrow and a crooked, knowing smirk).

Silly Jokey

A pirate walks into a bar with the helm of a ship in his trousers. Barkeep asks, "What's that in yer pants?" Pirate answers, "I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Enjoy the giggle. It's on me.

Bette Davis Eyes

When Amy and I were kids her dad was driving us around when "Bette Davis Eyes" came on. Her father groaned, "Ughhh, is this Rod Stewart?" Amy's mother said, "No, it's Kim Carnes!" "Oh," he replied, "I like it."

Close Call

Relaxing in the kitchen at Hawkins today, Xavier was transferring credit cards and what not from his old wallet to his new one. Oh, forgive me, I left out what the wallet is. It's a reproduction of the Bad Mother Fucker wallet that Sam Jackson had in Pulp Fiction. Anyway, he offered me his old BMF wallet which I kindly refused. I mean I'm butch, but c'mon; I am still a girl. My wallet is purple with a Paul Frank bear on it, thank you very much. Xavier then turned to Wayne and asked if he'd like it since the one Wayne currently owns isn't embroidered. Wayne became mildly offended and stated, "Yeah it is! It's fucking embroidered. What are you implying?"

Looking at Wayne's old wallet I noticed that it had a phony copy of the character's driver's license that came with it. Wayne said, "Oh my god, did I ever tell youse guys that one night I got pulled over on the Commodore Barry and accidentally went to hand the cop that license instead of mine? Luckily I caught it before it was too late. Could you imagine if I had handed over Jules Winfield's driver's license? Cuz I'm definitely not a six foot tall black man." Well thank you for that clarification, Wayne dear.

Priceless

In the back room one afternoon, I was chatting with Rachael Lewis, descendent of one Fielding Lewis, and she was as always, in a spectacular mood. I made reference to her seemingling infinite amount of joy and she replied, "Me and the J man, on the weekends, we boot up happiness and sunshine and we freebase goodwill toward man." Well, holler if ya hear me, y'all.

Naughty w/Occasional Niceness

Not known for my keen wit, I have a tendency to make what I believe are humorous comments that my audience either does not understand or finds totally unfunny. An example of this would be from a handful of years ago when I worked with a Developmentally Disabled woman in North Jersey who was known as the sweetest thing since huckleberry pie. Her name? Joy. Well, one summer afternoon we had to have everyone connected with her case over to the house. Case workers, case manager, staff members, et cetera. When they all arrived, Joy was freaking out a little because there were just too many people in one small space. Her coping mechanism? To ask, "Lisa, dya have a cigarette?" This question was followed by total silence. However, I know that she liked standing outside with me when I had a smoke, so off we went. Afterwards, Joy calmed down and we went in to the meeting. Once things got started Phil, her case manager wanted to know who the new senior was and one of the other case workers said, "The one with purple hair. Her name is Lisa Starberg." Huh?? "I corrected her and said, "Actually it's Lisa Star. I'm Irish, not Jewish. An Irish-Jew, imagine that. Not only will I blow up your car, but I'll bitch about the price of C-4 while I'm at it." More stunned silence. Fortunately Maureen and Joy busted out laughing because they were the only Jews present. The rest of the room was just a bunch of tight asses who couldn't squeeze a laugh out of a bag o' Chuckles candy.

ADD? Me? Pshaw!

Going thru boxes in the attic of my parents' home, my mother and I stumbled across a gold mine of childhood paintings and letters. This apology note shows that my Attention Deficit Disorder was in full swing at a very early age. See fer yerself:

Hilarity In Specialty

One day I was cleaning the bulk bins out in the sinks over in the specialty section. Joe Beard was working and out of literally nowhere while restocking the brie, he informs me, "I think I saw a small Scandinavian man in my turd the other day. I don't know what he was doing there..."

Dean Martin on the Hi-Fi

While working with my boss last week, we were relaxing to the swingin' sounds of Dean Martin's A Kick in the Head. Heart asks me, "Is this Frank Sinatra?" and when I told her it was Dean she replied, "Oh well, right pack, wrong rat." Whatever, I thought it was cute.

Blaine's Porn Star Name

"Jack Turgidly. Not only am I a porn star, I'm also an adverb."

Wow

My cousin Ryan was telling of how last week at a particularly dangerous intersection he came upon a bad accident only moments after it occurred. "So as I pulled up," he explained, "I could see that a guy on a bike had gotten hit by a car and was actually still lying underneath it......on his cell phone." I don't know if he was completing the call or placing one, but that image has been cracking me up for days. If he was continuing the call, than his dedication was remarkable, albeit stupid as hell.

Seven Strikes Again

One evening outside the Hellmouth, a handful of us were smoking and chatting and I asked everyone what they would have been named had they been the opposite sex. (I would have been called Michael Thomas). Seven said he didn't know but spoke of the debate between his parents before settling on Seven. "Yeah, my father wanted to name me Fritz. Fritz Bauer. Sounds like an SS officer. My mother liked Blake. Blake Bauer. I would have been destined for a career in the adult film industry with that name. Sadly though, I am Korean from the waist down." Be that as it may, it needs to be stated that Seven never had any difficulty woo-ing the ladies.

Vehicle Misidentification III

Driving around Hawkins territory not long ago, I actually saw the Starsky & Hutch Gran Torino striped tomato drive right in front of me. I involuntarily started to shout, "OH MY GOD!!! The tomato! Zebra-3!!" I am a huge geek for Starsky & Hutch (Starsky was clearly my fave) and seeing the Torino right before my very eyes was totally incredible. Xave was riding shotgun and said, "I see those things everywhere." Sure he does. Marina - who is considerably younger than I - questioned why I called it a tomato and I explained that it was a Gran Torino from a TV show I watched as a kid. Her response, "Clint Eastwood is amazing."
About three hours later, Marina and I were driving through Pine Hill when she saw a car pass us and asked, "Is that a Gran Torino?" I answered no, not having the heart to tell her that it was an '85 Crown Vic. Her lack of knowledge in the arena of vehicle identification has provided me with hours and hours of laughter. Bless her heart for that.

Vehicle Misidentification II

Marina and I were at Hawkins chatting with Xavier when he told us that he was putting his '88 Mustang on Craigslist. The evening wore on and after we devoured some pizza and finished up Mad Max, Marina and I went to head home. While dishing out hugs, Marina said to Xave, "Good luck selling your CRX." And she was serious as a heart attack.

Late Night Break In To The EPA

So my BFF works for the EPA and after we met for dinner the other night, I had to go peepod. It was late and nothing in the parking lot where I left my car was open. So we went to her work and she told the security guard that she forgot something and could she please be granted entrance into building four. As we drove over to her building I chastised her for lying to a government official. She responded, "No I didn't. I forgot to deposit urine into one of the facility's toilets." She got me on that one.

Vehicle Misidentification I

During Marina's quest to buy a car, she became interested in the make and model of certain passing cars. She especially was interested in purchasing a Honda, thus I was to hear "Is that a Honda?" nearly every ten minutes while driving her around the tri-state region. I am by no means an expert on cars; I can narrow it down and recognize some, however Marina knew little to nothing of the identification of any vehicle. Our conversation went something like this:
"Is that a Honda?"
"That's a Chrysler."
"Is that a Honda?"
"That's a Ford."
"Is that a Honda?"
"That's a police cruiser."
"Is that a Honda?"
"That's a fire truck."
"Is that a Honda?"
"That's a man on a bike selling ice cream."

Seven Gives His Opinion

"Sometimes when I look at Barbra Streisand's face I wonder if I'll ever be able to achieve an erection again."
(i had said that i always found her to be super attractive, but sev said that she hasn't been remotely attractive since a star is born. was she in that?? if kris kristofferson is in a film, i see only him...)

Enrique Iglesias

Out of nowhere last Thursday night, Fr. Michael brought up singer Enrique Iglesias and said, "Oh, that voice! (then cuts into a whiny impression of Hero by Iglesias) It sounds like he's getting an anal massage." He hit that nail on the proverbial head.

Bradley Cooper

Marina and I were in the kitch chatting when The Hangover worked its way into our conversation. I remarked that Bradley Cooper was from Philly, the city of our birth, where we work and where Marina now lives. In her usual charming way she replied in a breathy voice, "Home-boi..." I then informed her that he is apparently dating Renée Zellweger. Before I could finish saying "...Zellw-" she cut in and plainly stated, "I don't like that choice. Not one bit." Take heed, Bradley.

The Ice Cube of The Hellmouth

Once while at the counter daydreaming, Blaine quickly walked up, stood directly in front of me and said, "I just checked myself...and I've wrecked myself." He then dashed off leaving me in stitches on the café floor mats. God damn that fella is a hoot.

Film Reviews By Da

After watching The Butterfly Effect - "That's number one on my hit parade as the weirdest movie I've ever seen." Hit Parade? Pops, you're totally dating yourself...

The Return of Seven

One afternoon at the Hellmouth I was chillin' at the info desk and chatting with Seven. A very young and aesthetically pleasing girl strolled past and Seven followed her every step with longing eyes. He leaned towards me, still watching her and remarked, "I'd like to make-a some romance in her." Hilarity.

Lyn's Faux Pas

Today I was hanging out at Ryan's house with Marina and our cousin Mary Frances. Marina & Ryan's sister Lyn arrived just as Mary Fran and I were heading out. We exchanged hugs and then Mary hopped on her lil' scooter and we were off. Later I saw Marina and she said that Lyn had pulled her aside and asked, "When did Mary start wearing a helmet?" Clearly Lyn was unaware that Mary just didn't wanna remove her headgear whilst indoors.

Bill from Produce's New BFF

Karleen and Bill were in the floral department breaking down boxes when a nine year old boy came over and asked,
"What do you do with those boxes?"
"We throw them away."
"Ooo! Hey Mom, can I have one so I can make a diorama?"
When Bill relayed this story to me he said, "I betchya I'll be seeing him at The Bike Stop in about six years."