Email from Bishop

A dinner party, New Year's Eve 1994, at Star's posh house. Star has a few friends over for some light fare, booze, and merriment. Her friend Bishop is in rare form....

Bishop: I heard Faye Dunaway had her favorite dog made into a pair of boots. Well, that's nothing. Star had her second husband made into a small cagoule when he died.
Star: Don't be ridiculous, a cagoule? It was a small waist-ed evening jacket with Chanel buttons. And as in life he was a tight fit that never suited me well.

Oh how we do so love Absolutely Fabulous! This was without question, one of the funnniest damn emails I have ever received.

Danni's Rant

A few months after becoming single for the first time in several years, Danni went on a bit of a tear at the bar. She had not had much luck with the dates she'd been on and said to all who would listen, "What's wrong with me?? I mean, I'm pretty, I'm funny, I'm educated, I've got a great rack, and I'm sorry, but my vagina is beautiful." No surprise that the last comment made managed to turn a few heads.

Little Pedro

When Marina taught Spanish to second graders there was one little boy who was very against learning a new language. He became very upset and start whimpering like a little puppy. Marina took him out to the hall and asked him what was wrong. Peter explained that he didn't want to learn Spanish. Marina explained, "That's okay, I understand. Learning new things can be very scary but you have the whole school year to adjust to this and I promise that I will make it fun and exciting and that you will be totally fine in class. You don't have to worry." He calmed down a bit and went back to his desk. As class ended and the students went to their next class, Peter came up to her desk and said once again how he did not want to learn Spanish and that he will never get used to it. To make his point very clear he told her, "It took me a year, a year, to eat a slice, a slice, of a pickle." By the end of the year he would be known as Pedro, the boy who loved Spanish.

Slider & Iceman

Sandy, the sweet 40-something gal who worked up at Customer Service radioed to the Grocery Department and I answered the call. It went as follows:
"Hey Sandy, whatcha need?"
"Hey, can you check the back for Cloud Star Buddy Biscuits in Peanut Butter?"
"Sure, I did place an order, so let me check if they came in. Call ya right back."
I went to the stockroom and the order had not arrived. I then went to the nearest phone and responded,
"That's a negative, Ghost Rider."
This is a phrase that my brothers and I have worked into our daily speech simply because we watched Top Gun incessantly while growing up. For the first time in my life, I met someone who knew the proper response and I freaked out. Sandy answered back,
"Roger that, I'll clear the flight pattern."
That simple sentence bonded us permanently. She actually bought me a copy of the soundtrack and every time I hear Teena Marie's Lead Me On I can't help but think of Sandy. After that day she became known as Iceman and I was Slider.

Boris Yelnikoff

My favourite line from Whatever Works was when Larry David turns to a scantilly clad Evan Rachel Wood and says, "That's an awfully agressive ensemble, you looking to wind up in an abortion clinic?"

Robert Davi

Texting conversation between myself and Xavier:

Me: dude! Robert Davi put out an album of sinatra songs! it's really good - i think i'm gonna buy it.
Xave: Who?
Me: "Jake, up! Come on, move it!"
Xave: No shit! Jake Fratelli?
Me: the one and only! heard some of it at the movies last night and was blown away.
Xave: Just like fuckin' Saigon!
Me: I was in Junior High, dickhead.

(Davi fans will need no explanation.)

Mr. Ralston

While working in The Hellmouth one of our regulars, and later a café employee, was a hugely flamboyant and utterly hilarious fella named Buddy. He was as gay as a parrot flying from a tree in Liberace's garden and was loved by everyone who met him. Once a few of us were chatting about something funny that Buddy had done the other day and we must have mentioned his boyfriend or something when Jared said seriously, "Buddy's gay? Huh...wow. I had no idea." The next day when Buddy came in to work I said, "Oh my God, Buddy, Jared didn't know you were gay!" I can still see Buddy's expression at this. He paused, clearly in shock, mouth literally agape and quietly stammered, "Am I doing something wrong? How could he not know?" Honestly, I have no idea. Buddy was a hairstylist who wore eyeliner, glitter, and occasionally a skin tight girl's Wonder Woman t-shirt. I mean Jesus knew Buddy was gay, and I'm fairly certain that they've not met.