Wendy Speaks the Truth

"Nothing makes you want to kill yourself more than having ovaries." Preach!

Slider & Iceman

Sandy, the sweet 40-something gal who worked up at Customer Service radioed to the Grocery Department and I answered the call. It went as follows:
"Hey Sandy, whatcha need?"
"Hey, can you check the back for Cloud Star Buddy Biscuits in Peanut Butter?"
"Sure, I did place an order, so let me check if they came in. Call ya right back."
I went to the stockroom and the order had not arrived. I then went to the nearest phone and responded,
"That's a negative, Ghost Rider."
This is a phrase that my brothers and I have worked into our daily speech simply because we watched Top Gun incessantly while growing up. For the first time in my life, I met someone who knew the proper response and I freaked out. Sandy answered back,
"Roger that, I'll clear the flight pattern."
That simple sentence bonded us permanently. She actually bought me a copy of the soundtrack and every time I hear Teena Marie's Lead Me On I can't help but think of Sandy. After that day she became known as Iceman and I was Slider.

For Reals

Back in the Aisle days when I first started working with Joe AKA Gluegen Schlagen, we were working the pallets and putting stuff on shelves. I noticed Gluegs putting all the varieties of Bone Sucking Sauce in one clump. I pulled him aside in the aisle and told him how to read the tags and showed him the teeny tiny print on each jar. When I pointed out the different varieties his response of, "Are you serious?" was met with my, "I'm as serious as an erection problem." This was the moment when we bonded. Gluegs inhaled sharply and said, "That's pretty god damn serious." You're damn right it is.

Gaye

A few years back I ran into my friend Gaye, an older lady I befriended at The Hellmouth, when I was at work in The Aisles. She saw me chatting with Joe Dairy and later pulled me aside. "Is he a potential..." she asked with a wink and a nudge. "No, no, no, " I protested, "I'm old enough to be his mother, Gaye!" She deadpanned, "He may be young, but hey, as long as they know where to put it." Oh, my!

Crazy Mike Goes Country

One day at The Aisles, Crazy Mike came up with a country styled song for a zombie film. He would walk down the juice aisle, straightening the bottles, and sing, "♪ I'm a face chewin' sonuvabitch!! ♫" It was catchy as all get out.

Fr. Michael Meets Gurt

"He looks as though he would tend to animals, like in his front yard."

Ew.

After I had left The Aisles, I stopped in one day and ran into my favourite fella, Gluegen. We were catching up on things when I asked, with a touch of sarcasm, about a certain unpleasant co-worker. He was kind of rude and had a great big belly. The kind that Dr. Oz warns about as being a sign of looming diabetes. Well, the word down the aisles was that this guy probably had a tapeworm, so we (or rather, me) started referring to him as Tapeworm. I ask Glueg, "How's Tapeworm?" Now I had heard that he quit and went to Europe, but no one delivers news like Gluegs: "Oh, he went to Ireland to have his baby." Fucking hilarious.

Bill from Produce Returns

One afternoon as I was clocking in, Bill came over and said that the new produce manager left him and his fellow coworker a note saying "There are two pallets of watermelons. Do something with them. Be creative." I couldn't help but laugh. Two pallets?? That's like two hundred watermelons. Bill brought me over to the produce cooler and as I peered around the plastic strips and into the walk-in, I saw the two giant pallets blocking everything. I gasped and asked what the hell he was gonna do. "Oh, yeah, I got that covered." Later Bill told me that when she came in, Bill said, "Oh hey, Jane, I took care of the watermelons; sold both pallets." "Really?" she exclaimed, "Wow, that's incredible." "Yeah, Gallagher's doin' a show so we sold 'em to him."

Slip & Slide

In my life I have achieved very little. However, I am proud to say that I have actually slipped on a banana peel. I shall repeat, I have seriously slipped on a banana peel - like in cartoons and vaudeville. This occurred a mere four days after I had declared to friends that seeing someone slip on a banana peel isn't funny, it's ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. I mean, how could someone not see a banana peel??? So, I was in the back room during my Aisle days when I saw a banana peel lying in the center of the floor. I chuckled and thought, "See, I was right cuz there it is and I didn't slip on it." I kicked it under the Penco shelving and went about my business. Not fifteen minutes go by and I'm walking with my boss beside those very same Penco shelves when, WHOOPS!, my heel hits the naner and I would have damn near busted my ass on the floor if Bob hadn't caught me at the last second. I then shouted, "I can't believe that just fuckin' happened! I totally slipped on a banana peel! I am Groucho freakin' Marx!" One of my proudest days...

The $10,000 Aisle

When I worked the aisles, one thing that customers would do that I absolutely detested was when they would walk up to me and say what they were looking for. No "hello", no "excuse me" or "where can I find", they just come right up and blurt out "spaghetti" and I'm supposed to know what they want. I always wanted to turn to them and say, "Things-in-a-restaurant, things-you-eat, things-Nana-makes-for-dinner, things-you-find-in-a-cupboard!!" But alas, the opportunity never arose...

Down and Dirty

Somehow while hanging in the bulk closet during my aisle days, the topic of KY products came up in a discussion btwn myself, Princess Brooklyn, and Gurt. At one point Princess meant to say KY warming jelly but said KY Mouthwash. We chuckled at the thought and then she went into her advertising voice, "KY Mouthwash, for people who spit and don't like the taste." KY, get crackin' on that.

Crazy Mike

In February of '06 Crazy, Matt, & I were chatting in the backroom about how Crazy's car seemed like the carpet bag from Mary Poppins. He conceded when admitting, "Yeah, I've got everything in my car; shoes, shirts, pants, I've even got a couple Asian women left over from the 60s."

Fran from Produce

While on a smoke break out at the tables, I overheard Bethany and Fran chatting with some of the crew from the front end. They were discussing the upcoming weekend and Fran was saying that he and the fam were hitting the beach and Fran said he hoped that he would not be subjected to see any old men in speedos. "Yeah, but I bet you don't mind women in thongs," Bethany stated. "Honey," Fran responded, "I like thongs more than I like chocolate cake."
Best line ever.

Frozen Mike Speaks Out

Working with Mike in Frozen was always a hoot. One Thursday afternoon he was helping an attractive female customer and was actually chatting her up a bit. Very Un-Frozen Mike, since he was usually quite silent and reserved. A few minutes later he came over to me and still looking back at her stated, "I'm better looking than her boyfriend." I glanced over at her and noticed that she was walking off with a guy. Mike continued, "She should be with me. But he's tall. Stocky boys like me don't get love. Not since the thirties."

Gluegens

Workin' the aisles one afternoon, Gluegens pulled me into the backroom to tell me of his run in with a certain German customer. "Schlagens (that was what Joe called me - our work names are derived from an imaginary brand of sauerkraut), you're not gonna believe this. I'm shelving the dog food and this woman comes up and asks me in this thick German accent if I have a penis." "Get the fuck outta here, she did not." "Hand to God, she looked me dead in the eye and said, 'You 'ave pea-nis?' and I started to unzip and told her, 'Hey baby, I got what you want...' when she shouted, 'No! No! Pea-nuts! Do you 'ave pea-nuts??' I was a little disappointed, Schlag."

Priceless

In the back room one afternoon, I was chatting with Rachael Lewis, descendent of one Fielding Lewis, and she was as always, in a spectacular mood. I made reference to her seemingling infinite amount of joy and she replied, "Me and the J man, on the weekends, we boot up happiness and sunshine and we freebase goodwill toward man." Well, holler if ya hear me, y'all.

Hilarity In Specialty

One day I was cleaning the bulk bins out in the sinks over in the specialty section. Joe Beard was working and out of literally nowhere while restocking the brie, he informs me, "I think I saw a small Scandinavian man in my turd the other day. I don't know what he was doing there..."

Bill from Produce's New BFF

Karleen and Bill were in the floral department breaking down boxes when a nine year old boy came over and asked,
"What do you do with those boxes?"
"We throw them away."
"Ooo! Hey Mom, can I have one so I can make a diorama?"
When Bill relayed this story to me he said, "I betchya I'll be seeing him at The Bike Stop in about six years."

Bakery Box Pound Cake

"Hey, ladies, check out the way these mini chocolate chip pound cakes turned out."
Myself, Ali (hot lesbian from beauty dept.), Jacquie, and Denise all gather around Winnie Jo as she holds in her hand a delicious pound cake whose center was split open to perfectly form the likeness of a vagina. The melted mini morsel chips surrounding the caucasian flesh coloured opening resembled that of trimmed pubic hair.
Ali immediately stated the obvious with, "Damn...that's gonna sell out quick with all the lesbians that shop here."
"Yeah, lesbians and Puerto Ricans," I plainly stated.
As silence fell on our group, all eyes turned to me as Denise inquired, "Puerto Ricans?"
"Hell yeah. Puerto Ricans love pussy."
More stunned silence, but Denise continues, "My boyfriend's Puerto Rican and he never goes down on me. So I don't think that comment is very accurate."
"Is he full blood?"
"No...half."
"Well, there ya have it. In my experience with Puerto Rican men, they fuckin' love pussy. Nearly as much as lesbians. Y'know what, maybe even more so."
Always knowing how to make an exit, I turned on my heel and left them to ponder my wisdom.

Another Memory from My Aisle Days

This morning I remembered the time a few years back when the talk in the backroom was of the then recent picture capturing Ms. Britney Spears and her vagina. I walked back there just at the end of a conversation and Simon turned to me and said, "Y'know, it kinda makes a guy feel special. I mean, I got to see something that Justin Timberlake didn't. I feel good about this."