Imaginary Baby

A year or so ago when Rob and I were hypothetically discussing having a kid together, we were throwing around names. My top two favorite names are Jacinda and Brendan. However, Brendan just doesn't fit for a bi-racial child. In my opinion, of course. So I told Rob that for our kid I was torn between Thaddeus and Atticus. He liked Thaddeus, but Atticus is such a bad ass name. My mother added her two cents with, "Well, you could always make it Thaddeus Atticus and have both names." Thaddeus Atticus? Is he a Roman soldier? Even I can't get behind a goofy name like that.

Great Minds...

...think alike. Responses from myself and my brothers David & Xavier to an email sent from our mother:

Mum:
Hey I just heard that Joey Vento of Geno's steaks died of a heart attack. It is that damn cheese!

Sent from my iPad

Me:
good riddance. one less racist to plague our city.

Dave:
or the fact that he was a raging racist filled with hate....
Hate and cheese filling will eventually kill any man.

and Xavier:
Yay!!! I hated that guy!

(We are a family who hates hate.)

We ♥ Charlie

(photo kidnapped from fanpop)

My entire family is mildly obsessed with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with the exception of my father, of course. Marines don't laugh.). Back in, I guess, late 2007/early 2008, I stopped over my parents' to find my mother watching the show. My mother is a nice Irish Catholic Girl from Hallahan, so the fact that she was watching Sunny was nothing short of astonishing. Apparently the rough and tough Jersey girls from her office were talking about the series and how incredibly hilarious it is and Mama Rose decided to see for herself. I walked in at the end of The Gang Finds a Dead Guy from season one and saw Charlie eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (what else could it be?) and wearing a Nazi officer's cap. I was instantly intrigued. This year all three of my brothers finally got around to checking it out and we are all equally in love with Charlie. The other night I showed Melissa the ep Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender chiefly for the scene in the Range Rover when Charlie screams like a little girl. Here are the texts sent between myself, Melissa, Xavier and Mum:

Melissa: I keep thinking of that scream all day, I keep randomly laughing out loud. ☺
then later: Honestly, can't stop laughing about charlie.

Xavier: Dude, Bosses was so good. charlie Day is awesome!!!

Star to Xavier: whenever charlie screams an angel gets its wings. of this i am certain.

Star to Mum: did you see Horrible Bosses w/barb??

Mum: Yes it was funny. I loved the 3 guys, especially Charlie.

Mother!

Weaving around the many people clustered together and walking to their cars in the Whole Foods lot, my mother noticed an older man wearing an ashen white face and looking cold and tired. I did not take note of this man since I was scoping out parking spots for her. So imagine my surprise when out of the clear blue nowhere my Irish Catholic mama says, "Him pale face." WTF??? Him pale face? Really? Really?? Well thank you for that commentary, Mrs. Silverheels. Yeesh...

Sittin' Too Close

Earlier this year I had some time off and watched every season of Desperate Housewives that was available on DVD from the library. Then I rewatched some old eps of The Office. Apparently I had been quoting these shows and talking about them far too much because one afternoon my mother snapped and said, "You are watching entirely too much television. You're either working in an office filled with lunatics or living on a cul-de-sac with a bunch of desperate women. You really need to get out more, dear."

Mum + Da + Moondoggie

I was asking my mum the other day about when she first started to talk to my father. They worked together starting in 1969 but didn't become friendly until '71. At the time she was a naïve nineteen year old and Da was a suave older gent. Apparently, Mum had no idea that he was taking an interest in her when one time he asked about her plans for the weekend. Her response had me in stitches. Here is the convo:
"So, Roe, do you have any plans this weekend?"
"I'm probably going to the beach with my boyfriend to go riding in his Dune Buggy."
Dune Buggy??? Well, go on, Gidget.

The Howard Family

When my mother was a kid her best friend was Marge Howard. Marge's family was nothing short of completely bizarre, but in a somewhat endearing and adorable way. A prime example of their weirdness would be the time her older brother Gerry came strolling down the staircase with the bedroom door under his arm. Mr. Howard, seated in the worn-in plaid Barcalounger, looked up and asked, "Where do you think you're going with that?" Gerry nonchalantly replied, "Ah, don't sweat it, Pops, I'll bring it back." Mr. Howard responded with, "See that you do, son," and went back to his pipe and paper. Another time, the house had been burglarized and no one noticed until Mr. Howard went to lean on the television set and fell to the floor. However, my all time favourite story of this wacky group was when my mother was in 7th grade and went to meet Marge so they could walk to school together. Marge was feeling under the weather and Mrs. Howard was taking her temperature in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, she was taking Marge's temperature rectally - in front of my mother. Mum says that to this day she is still horrified by that image that she somehow cannot erase. Yikes.

Family Time

A few months back I was hangin' out at my parents' place with the fam. Dave was crashed out on the sofa, me Da was channel surfing, Xavier was face down on the family room floor, and me & Mama were sittin' in the kitchen chattin' away. Suddenly the surfing stalls on "Out of Africa." My mother, being a heterosexual female of a certain age, has a deep adoration for Robert Redford so no one was surprised when she let out a gasp as his gorgeous puss crossed the screen. "Ooo-Ooo!! Honey, leave it just for a sec. Mmm...I love this scene. Tom, now how come you've never washing my hair like that??" Dave replied, "Yeah, keep dreamin' Ma." Then from out of nowhere, Xave, who we all assumed was passed out cold, says, "Uh-huh, 'Out of Africa' starring zero black people. Should be called 'Out of South Africa.'" Well, thank you, Paul Mooney.

CSI: New Jersey

Back when I lived at home, my first car was parked in the street and sadly, was the victim of a hit and run. The next morning my mother, my little brother, Xavier(who was about fifteen then), and I were out by the curb, surveying the damages. Xave said, "Hey, looks like a Cougar hit ya, Sis." Mama Rose furrowed her brow and scowled, "Oh, stop it, what are you even talking about?" Xavier matches her confusion and replies, "No, Ma, a Cougar, a Mercury Cougar, the car. Not a freakin' mountain lion." A proud gasp escaped Rose's lips as she exclaimed, "Oh my word! Can you tell that from the skid marks??" "Uh, no, Ma, the ornament from the grill is right there. That's Mercury's Cougar." "Oh. Well, that is still very observant of you, son." "Thanks, Mom. I do what I can."

Mama Rose Freaks Out

Back when my lil' bro still lived at home, he and I were hangin' out at the 'rents place, kicking back to an old movie. ("Bringing Up Baby" more than likely.) Mama comes home with a Tower Records receipt in her paw and a scowl on her puss, directed specifically at Xavier.
"Hey, Ma, what's up?"
"What's up??? What's up???!! I demand to know who went to Tower Records today. And I want to know right now."
"Um, me and Rye went. Why?"
"Why? I'll tell you WHY. I do not want this kind of FILTH brought into MY home, do you understand me? I don't care which one of you bought this garbage, but get it out of this house. Have I made myself crystal clear, young man."
"Um, not really. What are you talking about?? All we did was pick up a movie. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal??? Do I honestly need to spell it out for you, Xavier Joesph??"
This is when I, in equal amounts of confusion, ask for the receipt. It reads: Snatch. After Xave & I had a good chuckle and chastised our mother for thinking we'd buy porn (and be dumb enough to leave the evidence on the floor of the garage,) we immediately realized, "Ew...Mom knows what snatch means..." I guess she's a real, live person after all.