Growing Up Baptist

I asked my bestie one afternoon while driving on the Schuylkill Expressway, "Hey, Bish, what religion were you raised in?" He groaned his response, "Baptist." Clearly Bishop did not have any fond memories of this time and went on to say about how his mother would pinch him if he slouched or acted out of place in any way. "But I will admit that it had its moments. Ya know when someone gets the Spirit in 'em, it can be entertaining at the very least." Preach!

Ritz East Garage

On our way to the movies, Bishop and I took the elevator from the parking garage. We stepped in and both had the same thought - "What a dump." That's when Bishop says, "I love what they've done with the place." As we looked around at the filth we both noticed the smashed corpse of an insect on the glass. Bish points to the carcass and states plainly, "Now in the art world, that's what's known as an installation." So snarky!

Moron, your bus is leaving...

Hanging out with Bishop last week, I showed him that hilarious YouTube clip of the anchors from Good Day Philadelphia. They were interviewing Ryan Lochte and man, that kid is dumb as a bag of hammers. I mean, I have seriously never heard anything good about him. He seems like the kind of arrogant, pompous kid who is a complete douche bag. My favourite part was when Lochte explained that he is a man at night and he's a man in the morning. Is he a little girl in the afternoon?? I mean, what does that even mean? Bishop and I were quoting it all night and as he walked me to the door, Bishop started laughing to himself and said, "Ya know, they should publish that. Pearls of Wisdom by Ryan Lochte." He clutched the railing and burst into a fit of laughter. I said, "Yeah. It'd be a four hundred page fuckin' blank journal, right?"

Incoming

Last night at Bishop's we were channel surfing when he stopped on the local news station. The one gal had blindingly white teeth. They were actually distracting. Bishop sighed in disgust and said, "Look at that woman's teeth. You could land planes with those things! They are way too bright."

Oscar Time

Bishop invited me over to watch "The Gay Super Bowl" and although I wasn't really interested, he did persuade me by saying, "We can make snarky comments about wardrobe and hair." My response? "Well, when I get down to debauchery and bitchery, I'm at my finest, so I'm in."

The Dark Knight Rises

I managed to watch the first eight minutes of The Dark Knight Rises before dashing off to meet Bishop at the theatre. I didn't like the first two Christopher Nolan Batmans so I had extremely low expectations for this one. Honestly, the only reason I really wanted to see it was because of Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, two actors whom I respect and adore. Bishop, and pretty much every other male I know, raved about DKR. I was skeptical at best.
In the theatre, walking beside Bish I said, "Okay, so I started watching the new Batman..." His eyes widened and he gasped, "Oh, don't you LOVE it?!! It's so sick." I replied, "All I can say is, as a woman who is not terribly feminine in any way, if I have ever questioned my gender in the past, after the first eight minutes of that film I am now completely certain that I am indeed female." He laughed and said in a heart broken voice, "You didn't like it?" "Nope. What is with the bad Sean Connery voice on Bane? And the in-flight blood transfusion?? I mean come on. It's rubbish." But I vowed to try and keep an open mind and get through the rest of the movie, which I did. With the help of some single malt scotch and several smoke breaks. I feel like if I were a guy in high school, this would be my favourite movie of all time. But I'm not. I think I need to re-watch Following or The Prestige to remind myself that Christopher Nolan is capable of writing excellent dialogue of which we can all be proud.

Fabulous Insult

Bishop was having a back and forth with a coworker via email and it was getting ugly. Before he completely lost control of his senses, he backed off and stopped responding. Bish is a bit intimidating at six one and built like a brick shithouse, but he's got a heart of gold. However, his words can make anyone cry, myself included. I told him that she was lucky that he didn't confront her in person, to which Bishop said, "She's lucky I didn't call her a rat infested gash." Ew. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

The World's Worst Wedding Table Guest

Poor Fr. Michael always gets seated with the crazies at any event. Perhaps because he's a social worker who deals with disturbed and addicted individuals, people just automatically feel he'll survive an evening with the family nutcases. His sister's wedding was no exception and he was seated with the singles and psychos. He described them as such, "Liza, they were not of this planet. They acted as though they were in the King's Court. Everything they discussed was dialogue taken from The Tudors or some Shakespearian play. I finally couldn't take it, so when dinner was served I excused myself and went out to chain smoke 11 cigarettes. I came back, literally, forty minutes later and they hadn't eaten. One of them said, 'We wanted to wait until your return before we began our meal.' They sat there and waited like a bunch of idiots. They finally started eating and decided to go into extreme detail about every single bite. 'My, what a succulent morsel.' I'm telling you, Liza, I can't even begin to imagine daily living with these fools. I can't."

My other favourite wedding guest has to be the man seated next to Bishop at his friend's wedding. Let's call him Tony, shall we? Apparently Tony did not realise that the man on the other side of Bishop was in fact Bishop's husband, Pax. Throughout the meal Tony kept puttin his hand on Bishop's knee. Towards the end of the wedding, Tony went to the men's room and Bishop and Pax headed home. Later Vinnie (another guest at the table) called Bishop and said,
"Dude, that guy was totally hitting on you. He was clearly waiting in the men's expecting you to follow him and hook up. It was crazy. He seemed totally perplexed when, thirty minutes later, he came back to find you and Pax gone."
Bishop said, "Was he really?"
"He was totally blatant - he had his hand on your knee for the entire dinner, man. I totally saw it."
"I thought he was just being chummy."
Chummy, eh, Bish? Is that what they're calling it these days??

Email from Bishop

A dinner party, New Year's Eve 1994, at Star's posh house. Star has a few friends over for some light fare, booze, and merriment. Her friend Bishop is in rare form....

Bishop: I heard Faye Dunaway had her favorite dog made into a pair of boots. Well, that's nothing. Star had her second husband made into a small cagoule when he died.
Star: Don't be ridiculous, a cagoule? It was a small waist-ed evening jacket with Chanel buttons. And as in life he was a tight fit that never suited me well.

Oh how we do so love Absolutely Fabulous! This was without question, one of the funnniest damn emails I have ever received.

What are you good at?

At Bishop's the other night this question was one of many that we pondered on his couch. My reply? "Eating cookies. I can eat the fuck outta a cookie." Bishop then instructed me to "write that shit down" and add it to my Scraps blog. So I did.

At His Request

Last night at Bishop's we were relaxing and watching random TV shows. During the break we saw an advert for Shark Attack 3-D or some such garbage. I turned to Bishop and said, "Ya know what 3-D is? It's James Blunt. We've seen what it can produce and we are no longer interested." Bishop cackled and then instructed me to immediately write that down and post it. I feel obliged to state that although I do not care for Mr. Blunt's song, I did see him on Top Gear and he seems like a lovely and charming man.

The Truth Hurts

Bishop and I were hanging out and the news came on with a story about women being bamboozled through online dating sites. They said that many women between the ages of 40 and 55 who are seeking relationships online seem to be more susceptible to scams. One psychiatrist said that it was because women of that age tend to fall in love easier than younger women. I found this statement to be so absurd that I couldn't help but blurt out, "Please. Just call it what it is: Desperation."

Move Over Joan Crawford...

(photo kidnapped from allthingscrawford)

...there's a new diva to be reckoned with, and her name is Bishop. Last night Bishop and I were hanging out when we came upon the topic of this new thing with kids using bath salts as drugs and Bish went bananas. I mean, he lost his damn mind. He started ranting and yelled, "These mutha-fuckers are fuckin' up my bath time!!" Hmmm....gangsta, yet girly. Interesting combination, don't you agree? Don't fuck with this drama queen's bath time, cuz he'll cut a bitch. And you know it.

The Tragedy of 2008

Years ago I was at Bishop's house and an advert for A Raisin in the Sun starring Sean P. Diddy Diddy Puffy Puff Daddy Combs came on the telly. Bishop clutched his head in pain and screamed "What??!!?" From the computer desk in the next room we heard Bishop's husband, Pax, say, "What next? Britney Spears in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?? 'Hey y'all, I think, like, Maggie the Cat is alive er sum'in'...' Oy vey!"

Email from Bishop

Subject: he's at it again

Message: mr. statham is shooting for oscar gold!

Bishop then included the link for Jason Statham's latest project The Mechanic. Awful, just awful. Statham needs to go back to modeling; he is more interesting when he does nothing but look good. And even his looks are wearing thin since the only time I see him is when he's attached to yet another dreadfully ridackulous piece of celluloid.

Halloween Humour

Conversation btwn Bishop and myself:

"So, Bish, I'm taking Bella out tomorrow to find a Halloween costume. She wants to be something scary this year."

"Have her go as debt. Nothing's scarier than debt."

Hilarious

Last night Daddy Pax & Bishop were entertaining me in their lovely abode and Pax showed me the funniest god damn thing I've seen in six months. Alexandra Billings in a short entitled "Katie's Corner Presents: How to Apply Makeup" that had me doubled over for the entire eight minutes. I officially love this woman and her impression of Katharine Hepburn is spot on. Check her out - you will not be disappointed!

Crank

Bishop and I were discussing this cinematic gem (read extreme sarcasm) and Bishop decided that he would not take a penny less than 2.5 million dollars to have to sit through it. I said that I couldn't imagine a number that would be sufficient. That I would rather continue to struggle financially for the rest of my life. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to describe the experience of having to view this "film" is as follows: it is akin to an extremely drawn out and painful bowel movement when you've got a case of hemorrhoids so bad that medical science has not seen it's equal. Oh, and the toilet is in a clown house. Therein lies the absurdity.

Hey, I Actually Said Something Funny

Me: "Ohmigod, guess who's finally out?"
Bishop: "I dunno, who?"
Me: "Gary!!"
Bishop: "Good for him, but I think we all knew he was gay."
Me: "Honey, Johnny Cash knew Gary was gay, and he's been dead for years."
(i thought it was pretty funny...)

Gem It Up, Bish

Hanging out with Bishop the other day a commercial came on that featured several highfalutin salons using a hidden shampoo. All of the stylists raved about the shampoo and then it was revealed to be, gasp!, Suave. Bishop and I snorted back our laughter and Bish shouted, "Oh yeah, right. Please! You mid as well wash your hair with Tide!!!"