You said it, Da...

Years back, at Terri and Dave's wedding, my father and I, not fond of religious events having both been raised Catholic and had quite enough of such gatherings, stood in the lobby just outside the church before the ceremony was to begin. I looked up suddenly and saw a plaque on the wall stating that the cathedral we were in (pause - it was essentially a cabin with an alter. I've seen a cathedral, this was not one of them.) was a Protestant church. I made eye contact with my father, then tilted my head toward the plaque, one eyebrow raised. He read the words, turned his back to it, looked out the glass windows and said, "Like being in the belly of the beast."

Charlie Sheen

My father stated today that he feels that Charlie Sheen is "a two legged rectum." Well, there ya have it.

Dad's Take on Oprah

(photo kidnapped from nigeriashowbiz)

"I don't know what she's like to live with, but I'll tell you this, she's one hell of a broad." This statement was made to me about 6 years ago when I stopped at the house to find him watching a Dr. Phil ep of Oprah. I had begun to notice that my father was home by 3:30 every day so I asked my mother what the hell was up with the new hours he'd been keeping. She said that he started going in earlier so he could be home in time to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show. Is that freakin' endearing or what?

Best Line Ever

One evening my father began to ascend the stairs when he paused, looked on my brothers, my mother, and I with contempt (i've forgotten what we did to piss him off) and when Mama asked, "Where ya goin'?" He responded, "I'm going upstairs to vomit in my underwear."

The Wheel

While watching Wheel of Fortune with my father, the female contestant went bonkers when she won the big cash prize. Da turned to me and said, "I think she browned her drawers." I'm sure she did.

Shadowlands

In September of '94 while watching this film I asked my father why the Brits were celebrating with fireworks in a very 4th of July sort of way. He responded,"They're celebrating the day the King shit a golden brick."

Hostile much?

A few years back I was at my parents' and Mama was remarking that my father was overdue for a haircut. She offered her services, once again, to break out the shears and trim him up. He said no thank you, but she persisted and went on and on about how it's so simple and how she's cut the boys' hair and it would only take two seconds. Still he stood his ground and said that he would set up an appointment for this week. Unable to accept defeat, Mum pleaded and reminded him that there was no reason why he should pay someone to cut his hair when she was quite capable of carrying out the task herself. That apparently was the last straw because my father finally exploded and yelled, "What can I say! I'm gay for the barber! Now leave me alone about the damn haircut already!"

Archie Bunker

When my father was in his forties he greatly resembled actor Carroll O'Connor. Da loves to tell of the time he was leaving work in Center City (looking very Archie Bunker with his dark trousers, white button down shirt, black shoes and no tie) and walking to his car. A large black man walking the opposite direction, sees my father, pauses and says, "Eh, anybody ever tell you you look just like Archie Bunker, man?" Not skipping a beat, my father throws up his hands as if in a hold-up and replies, "I don't think like him, man!"

Mum + Da + Moondoggie

I was asking my mum the other day about when she first started to talk to my father. They worked together starting in 1969 but didn't become friendly until '71. At the time she was a naïve nineteen year old and Da was a suave older gent. Apparently, Mum had no idea that he was taking an interest in her when one time he asked about her plans for the weekend. Her response had me in stitches. Here is the convo:
"So, Roe, do you have any plans this weekend?"
"I'm probably going to the beach with my boyfriend to go riding in his Dune Buggy."
Dune Buggy??? Well, go on, Gidget.

Film Reviews By Da

After watching The Butterfly Effect - "That's number one on my hit parade as the weirdest movie I've ever seen." Hit Parade? Pops, you're totally dating yourself...

Family Time

A few months back I was hangin' out at my parents' place with the fam. Dave was crashed out on the sofa, me Da was channel surfing, Xavier was face down on the family room floor, and me & Mama were sittin' in the kitchen chattin' away. Suddenly the surfing stalls on "Out of Africa." My mother, being a heterosexual female of a certain age, has a deep adoration for Robert Redford so no one was surprised when she let out a gasp as his gorgeous puss crossed the screen. "Ooo-Ooo!! Honey, leave it just for a sec. Mmm...I love this scene. Tom, now how come you've never washing my hair like that??" Dave replied, "Yeah, keep dreamin' Ma." Then from out of nowhere, Xave, who we all assumed was passed out cold, says, "Uh-huh, 'Out of Africa' starring zero black people. Should be called 'Out of South Africa.'" Well, thank you, Paul Mooney.

A Faux Pas à la Papa

Back in the day, which actually was a Wednesday in this case, I was getting ready to leave to go to the club for Goth night. I still lived at home and when I came downstairs in a floor length black ballroom skirt, tight black lycra shirt and black eyes like Joan Jett, my father seemed slightly confused. It then dawned on him that I was going out. He then asked me, "Oh! So you're going out with the darkies tonight? ...pause... You know, the darkies, the people of the night." Luckily we stopped him before he was able to swallow his entire foot.

Words of Wisdom From Me Da

My father has always been a man to tell it like it is; no B.S. and no frills. You ask a question, you will get his honest answer. Here's an example from my late childhood:
"Hey, Da, what does 'four flushing' mean?"
"Means that you're such a big sack of shit that it takes four times to flush it all down the john."
"oh....thanks."
"Sure, that's what I'm here for."