Bill from Produce Returns

One afternoon as I was clocking in, Bill came over and said that the new produce manager left him and his fellow coworker a note saying "There are two pallets of watermelons. Do something with them. Be creative." I couldn't help but laugh. Two pallets?? That's like two hundred watermelons. Bill brought me over to the produce cooler and as I peered around the plastic strips and into the walk-in, I saw the two giant pallets blocking everything. I gasped and asked what the hell he was gonna do. "Oh, yeah, I got that covered." Later Bill told me that when she came in, Bill said, "Oh hey, Jane, I took care of the watermelons; sold both pallets." "Really?" she exclaimed, "Wow, that's incredible." "Yeah, Gallagher's doin' a show so we sold 'em to him."

Introducing Bill's Brother Steven

Hanging out with Bill from produce as often as I did, I was able to meet several of his fabulous family members - his parents, his soon-to-be wife, Robin, and his hilarious and adorable brother, Steven. Once Bill told me that Steven's wife Nancy had been ill for a while and that the medication she was on for her migraine wasn't helping. Steven, good husband that he is, called the pharmacist and explained that his wife's prescription wasn't doing the trick. When asked by said pharmacist what medication Nancy was currently taking, Steven replied, with complete and utter certainty, "Peyote. She's taking peyote." Apparently Nancy had been tripping in the desert with The Doors. Tsk, tsk...

Bill from Produce's New BFF

Karleen and Bill were in the floral department breaking down boxes when a nine year old boy came over and asked,
"What do you do with those boxes?"
"We throw them away."
"Ooo! Hey Mom, can I have one so I can make a diorama?"
When Bill relayed this story to me he said, "I betchya I'll be seeing him at The Bike Stop in about six years."

That Screamin' Eagle Couch

I showed this picture to Bill from produce and he remarked, "Now that's a handsome davenport." Isn't it though?

Bill From Produce Makes an Observation

One day Bill was telling me of a customer who he was helping out in produce who was apparently "as gay as Elton John's handbag." That's pretty gay.

Bill from Produce & His Ignorant Customer

Customer: "Do you have sliced mushrooms?"
Bill slides to the left and points out: "Oh, yeah, they are right here, ma'am."
Customer: "Whoa. It's not my job to come in here and read. That's your job."

Bill From Produce Dispenses Wisdom

"Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance."

Looks Can Be Deceiving I Guess

Bill from produce was telling me one day of the time he and a buddy of his were in Chicago for a Leather Convention. At nightfall they got dressed and headed to the elevator. Bill was in his usual attire for a night at the leather bar: Levi's 505's, leather chaps, engineer boots, no shirt, leather vest and leather jacket. Topped off with Master's cap to let the boys know he means business. Once in the elevator, an older gentleman nudged Bill with his elbow, winked and said with complete sincerity, "Gonna be knockin' the ladies dead ta'night, eh fellas?!" Um...if by ladies you mean queens, then yes. That is absolutely their intention. Something tells me he needs to take his gaydar in for inspection.

Bill from Produce & His Keen Observation

"Looks like he combed his hair with a shoe."

Gettin' the Sex Scoop on Bill from Produce

"So, Bill, what's your magic number?"
"Like a hundred and eighty nine."
"Seriously??"
"Yeah. One eighty nine, give or take."
"wow...um, is that including oral?"
"Honey, that's including lickin' an engineer boot and gettin' pissed on."
"Oh, then that's not so bad."

He's Baaaack...

I was relaying an awful experience I had to Bill in produce about how a creepy old guy grabbed my ass in the bulk food aisle. Worse yet was that the bastard smelled so strongly of old man powder that his odor transferred onto me like a bad skunk attack. Bill, known for his keen wit, saw me an hour or so later and rushed up to me saying, "Hey Star, there's a Cardinal Village bus that just pulled up out front. Guess word gets around fast about free hot, young ass, huh?" Oh Bill...

More Laughs From The Produce Team

Ralph was standing around scowling at those certain customers that swarm to the free fruit samples like vicious wasps. Bill walks up to him to ask what's wrong and the response he got was not one that you'd expect from a nice fatherly type like Ralph.
"So, Ralph, what's goin' on? What's got ya down?"
"I'll tell ya what's buggin' me, these feeders here. I mean look at that woman there; she's eatin' like she's got two assholes."
Well, there ya have it.

Bill from Produce Wows Us Again

Joe Produce: "So, Bill, how 'bout you, man? Would you do gay porn for a million bucks?"

Bill: "For a million bucks? Honey, I'd do gay porn for dinner."

(when i told my mother that he said this she immediately hollered 'OH BILL! why would he degrade himself in such a way!?' clearly momma only knew a teeny tiny bit of the bill i knew and loved.)

Bill from Produce Strikes Again

"I got a new email address. I chose leathercumpig because leatherpisspig was already taken." And none of us are surprised.

Introducing: Bill from Produce

"Did you hear? Whole Foods got a new meat smoker. And it's not me!"