American Psycho

Dave Tells a Joke!

My older brother is not known for jokes. He's known for being drop dead hilariously funny, but not a joke teller. Wayne and I were sittin' on Mum's couch on Sunday and Dave comes in, "Yo, Wayne, got a trivia thing for ya. What is a group of crows called?" At the same time we both responded, "A murder." "Cool, now what do you call two crows together?" "Umm.....I have no idea..." Then Dave slowly backed out of the room and widened his eyes as he told us, "A-tempted murder..."

Oz

Today I was FaceTiming with Xavier and he was telling me about an old episode of Oz when one character filed his fingernails into daggers and then went ballistic on a prison guard. Scratched the hell out of him. As a sidebar, Xavier's stepdaughter has an evil cat named Cay Cay or Kay Kay or KK, who the fuck knows how they spell it. So I said, "So this guy pulled a Cay Cay?" Without a beat, Xave hit me back with, "Oh, he totally Cay Cayed the shit out of him." I'm telling ya, that kid cracks me up.

Old School Style

My brother Wayne was telling me and our brothers about his recent jaunt to a little barber shop in Malvern, PA. He went on to tell us that it was definitely a throwback to the kind of shops he'd go to as a kid back in the day. "So, I grab a seat in the waiting area and the owner's got a bowl of mini candy bars. There's a couple Milky Ways and some Three Musketeers. Then there's some Sports Illustrated mags on the table. I mean, I didn't even know they still published that. But the best was there was this old little tv and they were playing Good Times." I bet Sanford & Son was on next.

Convo with Xavier

I was FaceTiming with my little brother and told him that my godmother got work at a holistic studio in Philly.
"She's like, the Reiki priest? Wizard? Grand poo-bah."
He said poo-bah and I doubled over laughing and smacked my head on the table. It's such an underused word...

Walking Dead

FaceTiming with Xavier today, we got on the topic of Lennie James and basically how kick ass that guy is and Xave told me that he was on a Dead ep not long ago - finally. Being that I am forever behind the rest of the world and have only seen seasons one and two of The Walking Dead, Xave filled me in on *spoiler alert* Lori's death. I already knew about it and was only too pleased since she was not a favourite of mine.

I asked, "So how did she die, anyhow?"
"Carl put her down."
"Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?"
"Yeah, she had the baby and Maggie had to deliver and they had to do a Caesarian."
"Shit. Maggie's the girl on the farm? Glenn's girl, right?"
"Yeah, that's her. Well, for a C-section they basically saw ya in half, yank out your guts and toss 'em on your chest. Then they go into the uterus and pull the kid out. I mean, it's major surgery."
"And clearly this wasn't being done in a hospital."
"Fuck no! So, she basically bled to death cause no farmer's daughter can fix that. I mean, I don't know how she is with fuckin' drapes but she ain't savin' Lori, ya know?"

When Xavier said drapes I completely lost it. That kid cracks me the hell up. After my return from Europe we are catching me up on all the eps I've missed. God bless DVR.

Black Betty, Sort of...

My little brother is usually found singing random songs, one of which is Ram Jam's Black Betty. Well, my nephew clearly picked up on this and last week he was walking around his room singing. However, Little Z's version went ♫Black belly, bam-ba-lam, black belly had a child...♪
Now that's adorable.

Brad Paisley

FaceTiming with Xavier today and he asked me if I was familiar with Brad Paisley. I'd heard the name but knew nothing more about him. Xave went on to say, "You should check him out. He's no Shakespeare or Bernie Taupin, but he's got some good-ass lyrics. He writes from the heart."

True Love

Last month I was hanging out with my two older brothers and of course, I brought over a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. Davy was upstairs getting one and as he came down the basement steps this is what he said:

I've never told anyone this, but I think about this story every single time I eat a donut. Freshman year, first day of school, it was bedlam. No one knew where to go and the halls were packed with confused pimple faced kids. I could not find my locker, but luckily I got one of the teachers to show me where it was. I walk up to it and written in Sharpie on my locker it said 'Davy makes out with donuts'. Not Dave, or Bill, or Mike, but Davy. 'Davy makes out with donuts'. I still can't believe it.

As for me, I have made out with many a donut and I've yet to be disappointed.

You Said It

At the rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding, his friend and groomsman, Jim, got a little drunk and very out of control. Throwing around the f-bomb in front of my mom and generally just being loud as hell. His long suffering wife scolded him several times, but still he would not reel it in. I exchanged a knowing look with my brother, Wayne. He leaned over to explain to me, "Jimmy is like a forest fire - you can't put it out, you just have to try and contain it."

Predators

Last night I was watching Predators - starring that smoldering bookish bad ass Adrien Brody - with my little brother, Xavier. Half way in, Xave says, "Ya know Doug's dad was a mercenary."
"Doug Cunningham?"
"Yeah. And a Mormon. A Mormon mercenary."
"Don't hear that everyday."
"No, ma'am, ya don't."

Handy Men

Marc was in the garage working on a car with Xavier and he was using a wrench and no matter how hard Marc tried, it wouldn't budge. It got to the point where his hands were all red and sore. Marc looked down at them and then over to Xave and in a solemn voice said, "They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they? I always thought that's what they were..." Xavier, right on cue, followed up with, "My little friends...I couldn't hold on to them." And in unison they said, "They look like good, strong hands, don't they?"

(photo kidnapped from revelations-guild)

Great Minds...

...think alike. Responses from myself and my brothers David & Xavier to an email sent from our mother:

Mum:
Hey I just heard that Joey Vento of Geno's steaks died of a heart attack. It is that damn cheese!

Sent from my iPad

Me:
good riddance. one less racist to plague our city.

Dave:
or the fact that he was a raging racist filled with hate....
Hate and cheese filling will eventually kill any man.

and Xavier:
Yay!!! I hated that guy!

(We are a family who hates hate.)

We ♥ Charlie

(photo kidnapped from fanpop)

My entire family is mildly obsessed with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with the exception of my father, of course. Marines don't laugh.). Back in, I guess, late 2007/early 2008, I stopped over my parents' to find my mother watching the show. My mother is a nice Irish Catholic Girl from Hallahan, so the fact that she was watching Sunny was nothing short of astonishing. Apparently the rough and tough Jersey girls from her office were talking about the series and how incredibly hilarious it is and Mama Rose decided to see for herself. I walked in at the end of The Gang Finds a Dead Guy from season one and saw Charlie eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (what else could it be?) and wearing a Nazi officer's cap. I was instantly intrigued. This year all three of my brothers finally got around to checking it out and we are all equally in love with Charlie. The other night I showed Melissa the ep Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender chiefly for the scene in the Range Rover when Charlie screams like a little girl. Here are the texts sent between myself, Melissa, Xavier and Mum:

Melissa: I keep thinking of that scream all day, I keep randomly laughing out loud. ☺
then later: Honestly, can't stop laughing about charlie.

Xavier: Dude, Bosses was so good. charlie Day is awesome!!!

Star to Xavier: whenever charlie screams an angel gets its wings. of this i am certain.

Star to Mum: did you see Horrible Bosses w/barb??

Mum: Yes it was funny. I loved the 3 guys, especially Charlie.

End of the Rope

Text from my brother Dave as he sat in Atlanta's airport:

I am sitting on the plane at the terminal, stuck for about 30 miinutes. We are still supposed to be in Philly at 3 am. A wee babe cries for his poppa just over my shoulder. Sweet, sincere and FUCKING ANNOYING. oh, and another wee babe begins to echo the first babes cries like they are communicating in some horrible chalkboard scratching like language. Truly a symphony.

I read it to Fr. Michael and rather than laugh, he said with wide eyes and a serious tone, "Is he a writer? He has a wonderful way with words. Very impressive."

The Nail on the Proverbial Head

(photo kidnapped from krispykreme.co.uk)

When I told my brother Wayne (via text message) this morning that a Krispy Kreme will be opening a mere 15 minutes from my house, here was his response:
You lucky duck!! The chocolate doughnuts with white cream are little puffs of heaven filled with Angel clouds.

The Cat That Will Never Be

Not terribly long ago Wayne, Marina, and I were on our way to Delaware. I was the one stuck in the back seat and I was in a foul mood. Wayne, in trying to draw me into the conversation occurring up front, asked, "Hey, Star, if you had a cat, what would you name it?" Without thinking I responded, "Death. So I could drown it." After I calmed down, I said it would be Alice for a girl and Scuttlebutt, Scut for short, for a boy. I'm not much of a pet person.

Wayne in the AM

It was one of those real early mornings for Wayne, back when he lived in C-wood and worked out near The King. He had gotten up late and didn't have time for that morning cup of java thus leaving him feeling cranky and irritable as he came up to the toll booth for the bridge. With his window rolled down and his arm in position to pass over the bills, a bridge employee beside Wayne's car hollered down to a coworker a few booths away. This startled Wayne and turned him into a crotchety ninety year old man who yelled back at him, "KEEP IT DOWN!"
He hung his head in shame while relaying this story to me, but I laughed like hell.

Tell It Like It Is

Conversation between my brother Dave and the gardener who asked what sort of landscaping they wanted for the front of the house:

Dave: "Look man, yer not gettin' any recommendations from us. I mean, we'd be sayin' sunflowers and pussy willows, y'know?"

Gardener: "Okay, so were you looking for annuals or perennials..."

Dave: "Y'know, get me a dictionary and tell me what that means cuz yer seriously speaking a foreign language here."

Pat's Steaks

My brother Wayne once told us, "I like to go down to Pat's sometimes and stand on the plaque that says Rocky stood here. Stand there; feel good."

Should you ever visit South Philly and want a cheesesteak and can't decide between Pat's or Geno's - go for Pat's. Geno's is lousy with racists whose heads are as vacant as their souls. Geno's makes me ashamed to be from Philadelphia. That and the place is a total eyesore. Feel good and go with Pat's. (although I'm told Steve's Steaks are the best in the city)