Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Bill from Produce & His Ignorant Customer

Customer: "Do you have sliced mushrooms?"
Bill slides to the left and points out: "Oh, yeah, they are right here, ma'am."
Customer: "Whoa. It's not my job to come in here and read. That's your job."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Back at the Aisles

Hanging out in grocery one day with Crazy Mike and Gluegens, I saw a mother and her five year old walk past and noticed that the little girl had a pacifier in her mouth. Way to start her off on the path to lifelong oral fixation, right? In my anger at such poor parenting, I turned to my co-workers and said, "Give that kid 11 years and she'll be givin' blow jobs to truck drivers in a seedy lot somewheres off the turnpike. Mark my words." Crazy Mike, without hesitation replied, "Well, God Bless her."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Definition of the Day

Gentleman

A well-mannered and considerate man with high standards of proper behavior.
-American Heritage Dictionary

"I mean I thought a 'gentleman' was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible."
~Dave Foley "Blast From The Past"

"In order to be considered a gentleman, it is required that one has seventy-five percent of his teeth."
~Fr. Michael

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others rather than his own; and who appears well in any company; a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."
~John Walter Wayland

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Gurt Takes A Call

"Dairy pick up on line one. Dairy, line one."
"Dairy Department, Gurt speaking, how can I help you?"
"Yeah, dya have Homo-Genocide milk?"
long, long pause..."Uh......ho-mogenized?"

Friday, September 4, 2009

Herbert Morrison, Jr. I Presume...

Melissa loves to tell the story of the time her dog, Sarah, got loose and I love to hear it told. She was still living at home with her Dad and stepmom when this went down. Sarah had gotten out and Melissa's stepmother was beside herself. Melis suggested that they take their cars and drive around to look for Sarah while Dad would wait at home. They circled the neighborhood and eventually Melissa met up with Mary. They stopped and as they rolled their respective windows down, Mary, her face red and streaked with tears, clutched her chest and sobbed, "Ohhhhh the hu-man-ity!!! What a nightmare! Why do things like this happen in the world? Why?!" Melissa replied, "Oh please," and drove home where they found Sarah napping beside the barcalounger.

Where Youse At?