We Heart Andrew Duggan

Here's a text I sent to my little brother, Xavier, while watching an ep of McMillan and Wife. He immediately knew the actor's face from our favourite childhood Wonderful World of Disney show, Fire on Kelly Mountain AND he even remembered Duggan's character's name. Unbelievable.

(photo kidnapped from disney.wikia)

Crazy Cat Lady

 

American Psycho

Flirty Texts with Skylar!

 

Such a Lonely Word

Melissa, being a yoga instructor, is constantly inviting me to join her classes. I pacify her and tell her, "Yeah, sure, totally!" and then never follow through. She never got the hint. Finally she sent me a text and asked me to go to her class on the weekend. I declined and said I couldn't make it. She kept pressing until finally I broke out the brutal truth, "My desire to practice yoga is akin to my desire to eat horse meat raw. It doesn't exist." And damn if Melissa has not asked me to do yoga since! Honesty...ya gotta try it sometimes.

Text Message from Fr. Michael

Okay so my newest client is a self-described "gay hater" and neo-nazi who wouldn't stop for a second if "my ex wife was being gang-raped by 100 men with AIDS." Such a joy this work is.....jesus wept!

Great Minds...

...think alike. Responses from myself and my brothers David & Xavier to an email sent from our mother:

Mum:
Hey I just heard that Joey Vento of Geno's steaks died of a heart attack. It is that damn cheese!

Sent from my iPad

Me:
good riddance. one less racist to plague our city.

Dave:
or the fact that he was a raging racist filled with hate....
Hate and cheese filling will eventually kill any man.

and Xavier:
Yay!!! I hated that guy!

(We are a family who hates hate.)

We ♥ Charlie

(photo kidnapped from fanpop)

My entire family is mildly obsessed with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with the exception of my father, of course. Marines don't laugh.). Back in, I guess, late 2007/early 2008, I stopped over my parents' to find my mother watching the show. My mother is a nice Irish Catholic Girl from Hallahan, so the fact that she was watching Sunny was nothing short of astonishing. Apparently the rough and tough Jersey girls from her office were talking about the series and how incredibly hilarious it is and Mama Rose decided to see for herself. I walked in at the end of The Gang Finds a Dead Guy from season one and saw Charlie eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (what else could it be?) and wearing a Nazi officer's cap. I was instantly intrigued. This year all three of my brothers finally got around to checking it out and we are all equally in love with Charlie. The other night I showed Melissa the ep Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender chiefly for the scene in the Range Rover when Charlie screams like a little girl. Here are the texts sent between myself, Melissa, Xavier and Mum:

Melissa: I keep thinking of that scream all day, I keep randomly laughing out loud. ☺
then later: Honestly, can't stop laughing about charlie.

Xavier: Dude, Bosses was so good. charlie Day is awesome!!!

Star to Xavier: whenever charlie screams an angel gets its wings. of this i am certain.

Star to Mum: did you see Horrible Bosses w/barb??

Mum: Yes it was funny. I loved the 3 guys, especially Charlie.

Text Message from Marina

Ahahaha i literally just saw a man shaving while driving! With a bic no less!!! I would think hed want a quattro or something to avoid the inevitable knics that come w/the 'shaving-while-driving' move....

End of the Rope

Text from my brother Dave as he sat in Atlanta's airport:

I am sitting on the plane at the terminal, stuck for about 30 miinutes. We are still supposed to be in Philly at 3 am. A wee babe cries for his poppa just over my shoulder. Sweet, sincere and FUCKING ANNOYING. oh, and another wee babe begins to echo the first babes cries like they are communicating in some horrible chalkboard scratching like language. Truly a symphony.

I read it to Fr. Michael and rather than laugh, he said with wide eyes and a serious tone, "Is he a writer? He has a wonderful way with words. Very impressive."

Observation

A few weeks back, I was at work, so I left my house key in the mailslot for Amy to break in and relax until I got home. I left a Sweet Eats cupcake in the fridge and a stack of DVDs on the coffee table. She chose The Hangover because she had never seen it and had heard so much about it. At hour 7 at my job, Amy sent me a text:

Bradley cooper is not believable as a family man in hangover .

Anyone who has seen the film cannot disagree with that statement. But we all know that Coop was there for his pretty face and gorgeous bod. Well done on both counts, Bradley.

The Nail on the Proverbial Head

(photo kidnapped from krispykreme.co.uk)

When I told my brother Wayne (via text message) this morning that a Krispy Kreme will be opening a mere 15 minutes from my house, here was his response:
You lucky duck!! The chocolate doughnuts with white cream are little puffs of heaven filled with Angel clouds.

The Saved Texts

From Fr. Michael after telling him that Susan Lucci was to be on Dancing with The Stars:
"omg, i know i love her like the baby jesus"

From Kaitlyn, fellow Harry Potter reader - July 20th 2007:
"Can u believe it? The last potter book! I'm so excited!"

From Melanie on January 16th 2009:
"Just a friendly reminder to shave your crotch January 20th. It's the last day for Bush."

From Blaine:
"jesus fucking handgrenades what kinda movie was duane hopwood?!"
(it'll tear your heart out.)

From Amy, fellow Blues Brothers fanatic:
"Im in KC. Awesome band called 4 fried chickens & a coke"

From Mum after an allergic reaction to a new makeup:
"Call me before you go to Philly. Stay Puft Marshmallow lady? Yeah."

From Marina, fellow lover of The O.C.:
"Gentiles - theyre just not funny...Sandy cohen is a jew after my own heart!"

From Ryan regarding his gorgeous sketch of Duke Ellington:
"Sold 2 u, the highest bidder, the only bidder, miss star, patron to the arts and the worlds coolest cousin :)"

Early morning text from Ash, sleeping in the next room:
"Sugar pie! Get you little butt out of bed and come say goodmorning to me :)"

Fr. Michael after going several weeks without seeing one another:
"I've missed u like cigarettes and the smooth caramel rear ends of young hispanic men;)"

From Kristin Jackson 8:26pm Sept. 25th, 2010:
"Did all the back up vocal and dancers hair for Katy perry on snl today I'm here right now!!"

From Ronny after being told that The Doobie Bros. got back together:
"oh man, the Doobie Brothers are back together! Jack T Colton must be fired up!"
and when asked, "What does the T. stand for?" he replied
"Trustworthy. Now I ain't cheap but I can be had"

From Melissa (this makes me laugh b/c it's such an absurd thing to ask):
"Hi, what is in those socks we were talking about?"

Visiting Cousin Amanda

Over the summer, Marina went around the corner to meet our cousin Amanda's new baby and to bring a little gift. Here is the text that she sent as soon as she got home:
"i went to amanda's to meet the baby and give her a gifty and she was sleeping which at first was fine bc she has a newborn - then i saw past her and who was lying dead sound asleep alongside her at 545 in the afternnon? None other than her helpful husband...Seriously, i worked an entire day and spent $$$ on an outfit for ur baby only to come see u in bed sleepin gettin paid by the govt to raise ur truant kids! Wtf mate?!?"
Clearly, we have a deep afinity for our relatives. Not.

Darlene's Wish Comes True

Visiting Melissa like two weeks ago, her roommate's daughter asked me if I wanted to see a picture of her boyfriend. I said sure and she ran upstairs and did not return with a school photo of a fellow nine year old, as I expected. No, Darlene showed me a page ripped from a magazine of Ryan Reynolds. She then peered down at the picture and said in her little girl lisp, "I wan' him to get a di-borce and den he can mawry me."
When I heard today that he and Scarlett Johansson were seperating I texted Melissa the news and said, "Ding! Darlene - your wish has been granted."

She's Got Yer Back

Melissa was at work when she received a text from Danni:
"What time dya get done your shift?"
"like half an hour"
Thirty minutes later she received another text:
"I'm at the bar down the street. Where are you?"
"shit, i still have a table...i'll be there ASAP..."
Then, our favourite Southern Belle, Savannah Mae, was on her way out and said, "Hey girl, you got a hot date tonight?" "Yeah, my friend Danielle is waiting down at Houlihan's and I've got one table left." Savannah didn't miss a beat, she said, "I'm on it," and walked right out the door. Oh, and she had never met Danni and had no idea what she looked like. That's the kind of fabulous gal Savannah Mae is!

Text from Melissa

She took a picture of her bum and said this: it was a true eye opener. i knew i had junk in my trunk, but i didn't know i was a hoarder!
I'm telling you, that girl is a riot.

Text Message from Marina

Driving behind a rock dumping truck today and it's logo "Rock A Fellas - we dump in your back yard" how gross is that?!? I think i would go rockless for eternity just based on their ad!
(8:20am 9/14/2010)

Catholic School Blues

Last night Fr. Michael and I were reminiscing about grade school, he was several years beneath me, and he told me of a certain nun who taught after I had moved on to Junior High. Her name was Sister Bernice and she was, according to Michael, thee worst teacher ever. Each time the class would have a test she would say, "Hmm...today's test will be open book. And it's okay if you wish to share with your neighbor." So basically every test was open book and you were allowed to cheat off of the person next to you. Ridiculous. Then Michael said, "When Sr. Bernice would get mad, she'd get all red in the face and start yelling like a football player." The fact that he referenced the intensity of her rage to that of an American football player had me laughing til I cried. I asked Xavier if he had Sr. Bernice and his texted response was, "Yeah. She was a real c-word."

Preach!

Text message conversation last night between myself and Xavier:

"Have you been hearing the madness that is Mel Gibson?"
"Yeah. He's a dick. It's a good thing he's already rich because I doubt he'll be working too much more."

"It's such a shame and an embarrassment. It's sad when people with potential for goodness fall so short. I mean, way to flush your talent and career down the shitter."
"That's what ya get for hating on God's chosen people."