Unknowingly Cruel

Michael told me a while back about one of his clients greeting him and his co-worker Diane. The client sweetly turned to Diane and with all sincerity told her, "Oh, Diane, I wish I could put on weight like you do." She smiled and then went about her day. But da-yum....that's just cold.

Ouch

One of Fr. Michael's clients came up to him in the hall and told him, "You wouldn't be so bad lookin' if you weren't so big." Hmm...I think there may be a compliment somewhere in that insult...

Late Night at 7-11

Standing in line with Michael late one night at Sev, I noticed the candy aisle which is also the condom aisle. Always trying to one-up Michael in the shock department, I said, "Oh honey, look, condoms. But we don't need those, cause we bareback it." I should have known that it is nearly impossible to out-filth Michael. He didn't miss a beat when he looked at me and responded, "Fuq yeah. I'ma hit that fer the next 24 hours." Once again, out done. I couldn't help but laugh. As we walked to the car Michael said, "You know that guy standing in front of you totally heard what you said to me." "What guy?" (sometimes I can be so oblivious) "That guy in front of you in line heard what you said to me and turned around to check you out. Then when he heard what I said he looked at me, grinned and said 'Word is bond'." Never a dull moment in my bizarre little life.

No Holds Barred

The other night Fr. Michael was over and at about half past eleven we went to head out for a smoke. Michael stood at the threshold and waited while I reached for my cigarettes. This was when he asked me, flat out, "Do you incorporate nipple stimulation into your masturbatory activities?" The question wasn't what stopped me dead, it was his phrasing. Incorporate nipple stimulation? Sometimes he sounds like a textbook. The next day I told Double J and Skylar this at the office and after they caught their respective breath each asked, "What did you say?!" "I said 'Yes.' Duh? I mean, why wouldn't I? They're there and they're fabulous." This sent them each into yet another fit of shocked laughter.

Not Even Close

Fr. Michael was telling me that this week at work one of the clients, a very dark skinned black woman, walked up to him, got him in a big ole bear hug and said, "You look identical to my daughter." Apparently her daughter is an extremely masculine gal who stands at 5'8" with a 5 o'clock shadow and is also half German, half Filipino.

The Babs

Fr. Michael runs group sessions and usually tries to start it off on a light note. One day he decided to start with a trivia question. He said that the person for them to guess was an extremely successful female singer over the age of 50. Easy enough. The twenty questions began and Michael began to see that these individuals were never going to get it. Missy Elliott was a great guess, cause she's totally over 50. Other guesses of Ke$ha and Sally Field leave one clutching their head in confusion. Michael was getting worried so he said, "Forty five to fifty percent of the group will know who this is." Twenty questions were up and Michael confessed that it was Barbra Streisand. He saw blank faces staring back at him. Through clenched teeth Michael told them, "I said 45-50% - if there is a single person in this room who doesn't know Barbra Streisand then they must leave my sight immediately."
He later said to me, "And I wonder why there's gay rumours at work about me..."

The World's Worst Wedding Table Guest

Poor Fr. Michael always gets seated with the crazies at any event. Perhaps because he's a social worker who deals with disturbed and addicted individuals, people just automatically feel he'll survive an evening with the family nutcases. His sister's wedding was no exception and he was seated with the singles and psychos. He described them as such, "Liza, they were not of this planet. They acted as though they were in the King's Court. Everything they discussed was dialogue taken from The Tudors or some Shakespearian play. I finally couldn't take it, so when dinner was served I excused myself and went out to chain smoke 11 cigarettes. I came back, literally, forty minutes later and they hadn't eaten. One of them said, 'We wanted to wait until your return before we began our meal.' They sat there and waited like a bunch of idiots. They finally started eating and decided to go into extreme detail about every single bite. 'My, what a succulent morsel.' I'm telling you, Liza, I can't even begin to imagine daily living with these fools. I can't."

My other favourite wedding guest has to be the man seated next to Bishop at his friend's wedding. Let's call him Tony, shall we? Apparently Tony did not realise that the man on the other side of Bishop was in fact Bishop's husband, Pax. Throughout the meal Tony kept puttin his hand on Bishop's knee. Towards the end of the wedding, Tony went to the men's room and Bishop and Pax headed home. Later Vinnie (another guest at the table) called Bishop and said,
"Dude, that guy was totally hitting on you. He was clearly waiting in the men's expecting you to follow him and hook up. It was crazy. He seemed totally perplexed when, thirty minutes later, he came back to find you and Pax gone."
Bishop said, "Was he really?"
"He was totally blatant - he had his hand on your knee for the entire dinner, man. I totally saw it."
"I thought he was just being chummy."
Chummy, eh, Bish? Is that what they're calling it these days??

Text Message from Fr. Michael

Okay so my newest client is a self-described "gay hater" and neo-nazi who wouldn't stop for a second if "my ex wife was being gang-raped by 100 men with AIDS." Such a joy this work is.....jesus wept!

Christmas w/Fr. Michael

Not being a fan of large crowds, I showed up extremely late at Michael's parents' home for Christmas Eve. Mostly everyone had gone and it was so much nicer. On the porch during our smoke break, Michael told me the following, "For this having been a Christmas party we only had one Christian family. The Lee's up the street are Buddhist, we had two Jewish families, the five Muslims from 7-11 that my father befriended, the Africans across the way there - he's a professor of African Religions so who knows what they're doing behind closed doors; cuttin' up chickens or something, and then we had a couple of Wiccans. All here to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Is my family crazy or what? But honestly, I wouldn't change a thing - everyone had a wonderful time and I'm so glad you came." So was I - but next year, I am definitely showin' up on time!

True Nightmare

Fr. Michael went to see the latest Nightmare on Elm Street when it was in the theatre. He was describing the clientele of the movie theatre and said that during one particular scene the "gentleman" behind him said, "Uh, huh huh, yeah....he gone fuck dat bitch hard." Michael turned to face this person and said, "Um, you're a farm animal."

Zombie

Not too long ago Fr. Michael was humming a dreadful song in a high pitched voice and said to me, "This girl I knew in high school liked those Irish girls who squawked in the 90s." I asked, "The Corrs?" Then he sang some more and I figured out that he was singing Zombie by The Cranberries. I asked if that's who he was thinking and Michael said, "Yes! Oh they were the worst." I then admitted that I loved that group when I was in high school. "Oh really?! Their voices were horrible. I mean, Liza, what poor defenseless creature of the rain forest is being strangled to death on that song? It sounds like tropical birds dying." Ouch.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

(photo kidnapped from tvpopcrunch)

Watching season 1, episode 2 of The Tudors last night with Fr. Michael, there was a scene where Henry walks into the room shirtless. That's when Michael said, "Whew - he'd look good in a pair of soccer shorts, wouldn't he?" I imagine he would.

Do you mean...

Michael was telling me about the segment he saw of a country music awards show that featured a familiar face whose name slipped his mind. "Who was that black man that barked into the microphone in the 1990s?" What??!! Barked? Then he whined a few bars of a Hootie song and I said, "Do you mean Darius Rucker? From Hootie and the Blowfish?" To this day, I cannot think of Michael saying this without busting a gut laughing.

Delicious Decisions

Fr. Michael and I went to Lena's this past weekend to get some homemade ice cream. The kids that work there have a tip jar that says Tips for College. While awaiting his sundae, Michael asked where the young ladies were intending to go to school. One was planning to study holistic medicine and massage therapy at a nearby institute while the other girl was hoping for a career in engineering. As we walked toward the car, Michael said, "Kids today are so intelligent. They have such a firm grasp on their future and what career choices they should be making. Me? 'Um, yes, I think I'll study religion and get my masters degree in theology so that I can work in the fitting room of The Gap at age twenty-nine.' Jesus wept! The choices I've made for myself often have me questioning my intellect and if I indeed have any at all."

Eric

(photo kidnapped from zimbio)

Discussing the men of True Blood with Michael, he went on a bit of a rant over what seems to be everyones favourite hunk on the show, Eric Northman played by Alexander Skarsgård. I think he's most certainly a handsome fella, but Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell) is the one who holds my gaze. Michael, ever the honest if slightly bitchy man that he is, said this of Eric, "He looks as though he had a peripheral role on some USA original series that ran for 3 weeks and was promptly canceled. There is nothing extraordinary about him whatsoever." Ouch! Luckily, Mr. Skarsgård won't lose an ounce of sleep over that comment. How could he hear it over the screaming adoration of three-fourths of the country's population - male as well as female? He couldn't.

Christian Dentistry

Fr. Michael was ranting about a local advert he saw on the telly the other night: "A commercial for Christian Dentistry featuring the dentist's children saying 'M'Daddy loves Jesus AND your teeth!' I wanted to immediately take up devil worshiping. I wanted to sell - no give - my soul to Satan. Liza, I need to find a new religion because I can't, I can't...Can you imagine going to the dentist and hearing about the Lord? Gimme a fucking break. I'd fuckin' kill myself. Unbelievable..."

Holy Undiepants

Last night Fr. Michael and I were chatting and smoking out on his front porch and somehow the conversation turned towards Christianity, especially hard core crazy Christians. Michael spoke of Christ and who the man really was and what he stood for and I made the observation:
"Jesus was a laid back cat. He wore a dress and sandals. And I bet he didn't even sport undiewear."
There was a pensive pause and Michael finally said, "Well....I never gave that much thought, but I'm sure that's quite accurate." He then resumed his speech as normal.

End of the Rope

Text from my brother Dave as he sat in Atlanta's airport:

I am sitting on the plane at the terminal, stuck for about 30 miinutes. We are still supposed to be in Philly at 3 am. A wee babe cries for his poppa just over my shoulder. Sweet, sincere and FUCKING ANNOYING. oh, and another wee babe begins to echo the first babes cries like they are communicating in some horrible chalkboard scratching like language. Truly a symphony.

I read it to Fr. Michael and rather than laugh, he said with wide eyes and a serious tone, "Is he a writer? He has a wonderful way with words. Very impressive."

J.Lo

Conversation btwn Fr. Michael, his BF and Michael's BF's BFF:

E to his BFF: "Brigit, I think Jennifer Lopez is a-mazing."
Michael: "Actually, I would agree that she is a uniquely talented individual."
E (in a state of shock): "Reallllly???"
Michael: "Yes. She possesses the uncanny ability to function simultaneously as a god-awful actress, while singing off key and 'performing' as a talentless ghetto street-dancer all at the same time."

Jason Segel

Fr. Michael has stated on several occasions just how much he dislikes comedies. He especially detested I Love You, Man. Last night Michael and I were out and I held up a DVD copy of the film and teased him saying, "Would you like me to get this for your upcoming bday??" He gave me the evil eye, pointed to Jason on the cover and said, "How is he an actor? What McDonald's did they find him at?" I told him that I have adored Jason since Freaks & Geeks but Michael just gagged and told me to be still. Our taste in men are on total opposite sides of the spectrum.

(photo kidnapped from aceshowbiz)