Such a Lonely Word

Melissa, being a yoga instructor, is constantly inviting me to join her classes. I pacify her and tell her, "Yeah, sure, totally!" and then never follow through. She never got the hint. Finally she sent me a text and asked me to go to her class on the weekend. I declined and said I couldn't make it. She kept pressing until finally I broke out the brutal truth, "My desire to practice yoga is akin to my desire to eat horse meat raw. It doesn't exist." And damn if Melissa has not asked me to do yoga since! Honesty...ya gotta try it sometimes.

Insult or Compliment?

At the movies last month Melissa had her curly hair down with two lil' pigtails on the sides. She passed a mirror and then turned to me and said, "Did I tell you what my dad said when I had my hair like this?"
"Nope - what did he say?"
"He looked at me and said, 'You look like Barf.'"
"What the what? He said that to you? Why??"
Melissa explained, "He was trying to tell me that I looked like John Candy in Spaceballs cause of the pigtails looking like his dog ears. He meant well, but no one wants to be referred to as barf. Especially by their father."

Road House

(photo kidnapped from moviegoods)

Marci: I have half a mind to go home and watch Road House.
Melissa: You only need half a mind to watch Road House.

Gimme a Break

Marci and Melissa were out at the pool all day and around mid afternoon, Marci got stung by a bee. She then decided, hypochondriac that she is, that even though she was not allergic to bees last week, this week she was clearly allergic and my God, was about to go into anaphylactic shock at any minute. Melissa jokingly asked, "Do you want me to take you to the ER?" And Marci of course said, "I think you may need to." After rolling her eyes, Melissa got Marci an ice pack and had her relax for a second. After a few moments, Marci composed herself, turned to Melissa and in all seriousness said, "Whew, it was pretty touch and go there for a while." When Melissa told me this story I, like I'm sure most of you are wondering, asked, "What drama school did Marci attend?" Touch and go? Please.

So Uncalled For

Melissa just finished doing her hair and was overwhelmed at how perfect each curl turned out. She went downstairs on a gleeful cloud of happiness and said to her roommate, "Don't I totally look like Robert Plant?" Marci cigarette in hand like Bette Davis, looked up from reading her book and replied, "Oh, Robert Plant would never wear those plaid shorts." And promptly went back to her book. Ouch.

Melissa Speaks

"Why is it always middle-aged white men that are standing outside Women's Clinics and protesting against abortion? Your life is almost over - go home and relax."
Amen to that.

P'shaw!

So I finally got a chance to catch up with Melissa the other night and she was filling me in on her weekend. Saturday night the hurricane was getting into full swing and Melis was on her feet all night at the restaurant. They decided to close early and she said that there was one older couple that seemed unfazed by the roaring winds and torrential downpour. Melissa told me, "This old guy was a total World War 2 vet - I could just tell from looking at him. I told him that we would be closing early cause of the storm and he looked at me as if to convey 'Hurricane? I killed Nazis fer Chrissakes. Bring me another scotch, sweetie!' I was almost furious with them for staying so late and drinking themselves into oblivion, but he referred to his wife at one point as his bride, so I couldn't stay mad." (As she told this story I pictured Carwood Lipton in a blue polo shirt and freshly pressed slacks with white leather loafers.)

We ♥ Charlie

(photo kidnapped from fanpop)

My entire family is mildly obsessed with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with the exception of my father, of course. Marines don't laugh.). Back in, I guess, late 2007/early 2008, I stopped over my parents' to find my mother watching the show. My mother is a nice Irish Catholic Girl from Hallahan, so the fact that she was watching Sunny was nothing short of astonishing. Apparently the rough and tough Jersey girls from her office were talking about the series and how incredibly hilarious it is and Mama Rose decided to see for herself. I walked in at the end of The Gang Finds a Dead Guy from season one and saw Charlie eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (what else could it be?) and wearing a Nazi officer's cap. I was instantly intrigued. This year all three of my brothers finally got around to checking it out and we are all equally in love with Charlie. The other night I showed Melissa the ep Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender chiefly for the scene in the Range Rover when Charlie screams like a little girl. Here are the texts sent between myself, Melissa, Xavier and Mum:

Melissa: I keep thinking of that scream all day, I keep randomly laughing out loud. ☺
then later: Honestly, can't stop laughing about charlie.

Xavier: Dude, Bosses was so good. charlie Day is awesome!!!

Star to Xavier: whenever charlie screams an angel gets its wings. of this i am certain.

Star to Mum: did you see Horrible Bosses w/barb??

Mum: Yes it was funny. I loved the 3 guys, especially Charlie.

What is behind door number one...

Years ago Melissa used to work one on one with an autistic boy named Stephen. Whenever at Stephen's house, Melissa made it a habit of tossing her bag in the closet. One afternoon while they were working, her cell phone went off. She had it set to vibrate and their work paused as Stephen's eyes widened with the buzzing sound coming from behind the closet door. Stephen pointed and hollered to Melissa, "There's a cow in the closet! There's a COW in the CLOSET!!" Melissa had to admit that the buzzing did have a moo like quality and Stephen was very relieved when he found there was no cattle in the closet.

Insanity

Melissa called me the other day to tell me that her friend, Mandy - who we used to go clubbing with back in the day - called her in a manic moment saying that she would keep the child that she was pregnant with and wanted to know if Melissa and Alan would throw her a baby shower. Alan is Mandy's husband. Mandy is not pregnant with Alan's child. Alan is aware of this. Mandy is leaving to move to South America in a few months to be with the child's father. Oh, and she wanted to see if they could have the shower in Bill's backyard. Yeah...Bill is Melissa's ex who she no longer lives with and who was never fond of Mandy and Alan to begin with. Clearly if there is a God she will not carry to term. I'm shocked she managed to conceive in the first place seeing as she is heavily using prescription medication. Oh, and she met the father online and got pregnant cuz her period had just ended so she didn't think she could get pregnant. Apparently Mandy was absent that day in junior high when the sex ed teacher explained that a female can get pregnant anytime - before, during, and after her cycle. Good lord...I told Melis that my advice is to blow her off. Mandy is clearly no longer operating out of her right mind.

Meditate on this for a piece...

Melissa came home the other day to find her psychologically unbalanced roommate at the computer with Facebook pulled up on screen. Marci turns to Melissa and says, "I was just talking with Amy. She said Adam [Amy's 34 year old husband] had a stroke." Melissa gasped and responded, "Oh my god, is she alright? Is Adam okay???" Ever the caregiver, Marci says,"Please! I'm living with a thyroid condition! It's only a stroke." Self absorbed much??

She's Got Yer Back

Melissa was at work when she received a text from Danni:
"What time dya get done your shift?"
"like half an hour"
Thirty minutes later she received another text:
"I'm at the bar down the street. Where are you?"
"shit, i still have a table...i'll be there ASAP..."
Then, our favourite Southern Belle, Savannah Mae, was on her way out and said, "Hey girl, you got a hot date tonight?" "Yeah, my friend Danielle is waiting down at Houlihan's and I've got one table left." Savannah didn't miss a beat, she said, "I'm on it," and walked right out the door. Oh, and she had never met Danni and had no idea what she looked like. That's the kind of fabulous gal Savannah Mae is!

Slip of the Tongue

Today I went to pick up Melissa and got a chance to see her roommate, Marci and Marci's two kids, Carla & Darlene. They were sitting on the floor watching an episode of Hannah Montana with Jon Cryer. Carla turns to her mother and asks, "Is he considered a whore with all those things in his room?" Through stunned silence came Marci's, "What??!" "A hoarder, is he a hoarder with all those things in his room? Isn't that what I said?" Um, it sure was, sweetie.

Text from Melissa

She took a picture of her bum and said this: it was a true eye opener. i knew i had junk in my trunk, but i didn't know i was a hoarder!
I'm telling you, that girl is a riot.

Savannah Mae's Return

The other day Savannah was having a crappity crap day at work and later told Melissa, "I was so mad earlier....I said some bad words. Girl, I made Jesus cry." That's actually not sayin' much seein' as Christ weeps almost as much as Michael Landon.

Stinky

"Ew, the other day at yoga in my autistic class, one of the kids farted and it smelled so bad I had to rinse my mouth out."
This sentence had me in stitches for several minutes and even now has me cracking up.

Southern Belle

Melissa was telling me of this fabulous gal she started working with who is a bona fide Southern Belle. Savannah Mae, that's her name, was telling of her sister Abigail's new puppy. She told Melissa, "Oh, his mama was a bowl-a-sugar and his daddy was a marshmallow. He is just a fluffy lil' ball-a-love."

The Mighty Quinn

Here is Xavier's truck, The Mighty Quinn (which incidentally, he purchased from my pal Melissa). Not too long ago, my brothers and I were all hanging out in the kitchen at Hawkins and Dave asked Xavier how the truck was running. Xave said, "Well, it only has a tape deck so I had to go diggin' through my closet and I found Dad's old cassette tape of the soundtrack to Footloose." Dave's response was, "That's the perfect vehicle for jamming out to the Footloose soundtrack. Except for maybe a combine." That's very true.

No Habla Español

Melissa was telling me of how Darlene, her roommate Marci's daughter, was watching TV and stopped on HBO in Spanish. Darlene (who has a bit of a speech impediment) turned to Marci and said, "Dare jus' makin' dat up, Mommy. Day don't know what dare sayin'. Right, Mommy?"

Blind Leading the Blind

Last night I was telling Melissa of the time Fr. Michael was dating a blind guy named Peter. I said that one time the two of them went to Chili's for dinner. They walk in to the hostess stand and Peter says, "Michael, where are we? This isn't Chili's."
"Yes it is. That's what the sign out front said. Wow, they must have really revamped this place. It's so nice...ooo, they have a waterfall!"
"Yes, I hear that, but I'm telling you, we are not in Chili's."
"Peter, I know how to read and the sign outside said Chili's. Here comes the hostess; I'll ask her."
That's when she informed them that they were indeed not in Chili's.
Melissa asked what ever happened to Peter and I replied, "Oh, he's not seeing him anymore." That's when Melissa burst out laughing and said, "Duh."