Stephen Colbert

A handful of years ago I caught Monsieur Colbert speaking to a woman from Ohio on The Daily Show. I think she was the current governor, but it is quite possible that I am completely wrong, though I seriously doubt it. Anyway, Colbert was interviewing this gal and said the following, which I find to be sensationally amusing: "Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" Clearly, she had no response.

Bill From Produce Dispenses Wisdom

"Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance."

Gems from Bishop

Penelope: "Dya know how Thomas Jane proposed to Patricia Arquette?"
Bishop: "Uh, with a cheeseburger in his hand?"

Star: "Okay, Bish, I wanna borrow a really bad movie from you with a really hot guy in it..."
Bishop: "Oh! You wanna borrow 'The Transporter,' dontchya?"

While watching Chicago performing "If You Leave Me Now" on VH1's best of the 70s (or something along those lines):
"Peter Cetera's hair looks like a duck's ass. Look at those feathers!"

Penelope: "You have to admire the fact that Bobby Flay answers all of his fan emails."
Bishop: "Anything to keep him from cooking."

One night, driving back from The Ritz, Bishop hit one of those potholes only found in Jersey or Somalia. And he hit it hard. Ka-blam!!
"JES-SUS! Did I just run over a fucking DONKEY???"

Very Silly Lame Joke That I Love

So my adorable cousin Jason told me and Marina this little joke and had us in stitches. His delivery is impeccable and always followed by a schoolboy giggle like Russell Crowe's. Okay, here it is.
A psychic little person escapes from prison. The headline the next day reads - "Small Medium at Large."

Fear Begins at The Workplace

Back at the Hellmouth when I worked the café, we had just hired a very strange girl for our newest barista. Str-ange. And this is me saying this, okay? So this chick, let's refer to her as Helga, well, she was working with our resident dredlocked hunk, who was not terribly crazy about Helga, her wardrobe, her neediness, or her overly enthusiastic behaviour. She turns to our café hotboy and says out of nowhere, "I have to take Mordecai to the doctor's after work today." His response? "Is that your bird?" I guess I find this so funny b/c Mordecai was actually one of Helga's roommates. She was living with a married couple who welcomed her in as the third party in their West Hollywood style sexual proclivities adventure. I don't wanna judge, but I met this couple. Looked like they just got rejected at a casting call for extras in a David Lynch film. These people were sideshow scary, ya know what I'm sayin'? I was grateful when she left and took her lovers with her.

Nick Drake Squared

Star: Hey, you know who I think you'll like? Nick Drake. I can make you a cd if you want.
Simon: Nick Drake? Does he wear a cape?
Star: What??
Simon: I dunno. Nick Drake. Sounds like the sorta guy that'd wear a cape.


A few months back Melissa was over and we were chillin' on my couch, catching eachother up on things when her cell rang. "Hmm...It's Bill [her ex who does not work in produce]...Do you mind if I take it?" She answers and this is what I hear: "Hi...Wait, what? What's wrong?....Did you check the kitchen table?....OHKAY, calm down. I don't have them. The last time I saw them you left them on the table for me to listen to but I forgot to take them...Bill...I'm sorry! Geez, did you check the living room?...Okay, well I don't know what to tell you...Fine...Okay. Bye." Click.
"What was that about?"
"I don't even know. He was flipping out yelling, 'Where the fuck are my Nick Drake cds?!! Melis, I wanna take a hot bath and listen to my fuckin' Nick Drake cds!!!!' He's out of his mind."
Rest assured, for we received a text twenty minutes later: "Found em." Well thank the Lord. I mean how can a grown man expect to take a hot bath without his Nick Drake cds. Weeks later when I tried to tease Bill he wouldn't have it, "What? A hot bath is only complete when Nick Drake is playing." Each his own, right?

A Faux Pas à la Papa

Back in the day, which actually was a Wednesday in this case, I was getting ready to leave to go to the club for Goth night. I still lived at home and when I came downstairs in a floor length black ballroom skirt, tight black lycra shirt and black eyes like Joan Jett, my father seemed slightly confused. It then dawned on him that I was going out. He then asked me, "Oh! So you're going out with the darkies tonight? ...pause... You know, the darkies, the people of the night." Luckily we stopped him before he was able to swallow his entire foot.