Circle of Life, Simba

Over dinner with BFF Amy the other night we discussed her life on the farm. She and her husband are raising chickens and turkeys as well as keeping bees. Amy spoke of the deer they killed on their land, using a crossbow, and told me all that occurs when a beast goes from buck to venison. I asked if she had to take classes on how to gut a deer to which she replied, "Everything I know about butchering animals I learned from YouTube."

Farewell to AJax the Cat

Amy told me that the way she found out that AJax had passed away was when she came home from school and asked where he was and her father just waved bye-bye to her. So cold...

Observation

A few weeks back, I was at work, so I left my house key in the mailslot for Amy to break in and relax until I got home. I left a Sweet Eats cupcake in the fridge and a stack of DVDs on the coffee table. She chose The Hangover because she had never seen it and had heard so much about it. At hour 7 at my job, Amy sent me a text:

Bradley cooper is not believable as a family man in hangover .

Anyone who has seen the film cannot disagree with that statement. But we all know that Coop was there for his pretty face and gorgeous bod. Well done on both counts, Bradley.

LBJ

My BFF's father, Mark, was a constant source of humour in our childhood. We were reminiscing the other night about the time Amy's brother, and his friend, Carl, were over. Carl saw that Amy was reading a book about LBJ and asked, "Hey, Amy, what's that book about?" Mark turned down his newspaper and said, "You mean to tell me that you don't know who Lyndon BAINES Johnson is???" Carl replied in all seriousness, "Is she a tennis player?" Mark just grumbled under his breath and went back to his paper.

It Was Meant To Be...

Amy told me that on her 2nd date with Don, her husband, they went ice skating. The rink played all INXS albums. "I took it as a sign that we would be together forever."

Random Excerpt

Me: "So Xavier has been driving my car, I'm driving Gina's, and Gina's been driving Xave's Bonneville..."
Amy: "It's a good thing my father's dead."
"What the?? Huh??"
"Yeah, he wouldn't wanna live in a world without Pontiac. Every car that man ever owned was a Pontiac."

Crybaby

Sitting at Benihana's last night, Amy said,
"Oh so did you see anything about Brett Favre?"
"Why, was he crying again?"
"Ha! No, it's some scandal about him and some gal who works for the Jets. And anyway, no one cries as much as Dick Vermeil."
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah. That man cries at like, Hallmark commercials. He's worse than my mother."
"I had no idea. I find that endearing. Now about that scandal..."

Brilliance

Once my BFF and I were discussing our distaste of raisins and Amy summed up her feelings on the matter with this little nugget of genius: "Where there is a raisin, there could have easily been a chocolate chip."

Put 'em Up

Tonight at dinner Amy and I were swapping random stories and thoughts. Somehow we got on the topic of bank robberies and I told her that should she ever be in a situation where a gun is held to her head, she should give as many details about her personal life as possible to the gunman. This is because it will hopefully allow the armed psycho to see that she is a person with a husband and a family and not just a random face in the crowd who is disposable. (thank you grey's anatomy for this info) Amy got all Clint Eastwood and pointing at me as though I were the gunman, yelled, "I'm a blood donor, god damn it!" You tell 'im, honey!

Bette Davis Eyes

When Amy and I were kids her dad was driving us around when "Bette Davis Eyes" came on. Her father groaned, "Ughhh, is this Rod Stewart?" Amy's mother said, "No, it's Kim Carnes!" "Oh," he replied, "I like it."

Late Night Break In To The EPA

So my BFF works for the EPA and after we met for dinner the other night, I had to go peepod. It was late and nothing in the parking lot where I left my car was open. So we went to her work and she told the security guard that she forgot something and could she please be granted entrance into building four. As we drove over to her building I chastised her for lying to a government official. She responded, "No I didn't. I forgot to deposit urine into one of the facility's toilets." She got me on that one.

Amy On Her Ability to Unwind w/Ease

"It's actually worrisome...the lack of thinking..."

Chuck Norris

My BFF is a huge fan of those Chuck Norris lines. There are a few good ones, but the one she told me about last week nearly killed me. Here it be: "Chuck Norris can go ten minutes without air, but air can't go ten minutes without Chuck Norris." Just awesome.

Mary's Trashes Truman

On that day when Amy & I went to lunch with her mother, I was the one driving. We picked Mary up at the office and I unlocked the passenger side door and let Mary in. It was hot as hell and Mary kept looking for the automatic windows until I told her that I roll old school with manual locks and windows. This is when she said, "Wow, this is like one step up from the Conestoga Wagon!"
It should be stated that Truman is a 2002 Saturn.

Out to Dinner w/Amy & Her Mama

Not long ago the three of us had a great opportunity to have lunch together. We hit a pizza joint near Mary's office and had more than a couple laughs. At one point the kid behind me kept making fart noises (how inappropriate) and I said, "Someone's a little gassy..." expecting a grin or a chuckle from Amy. Instead Mary very seriously stated, "It's just a boy playing." (Lead balloon.) So, I was speechless b/c clearly I was aware of that, but Amy in her usual sarcastic way replied, "Oh, that's not a real fart? Star, get with the program."
Whatever, I thought it was funny.

Sarcasm à la Amy

Star: "Toby saw a Bald Eagle out back of Saturn last month."
Amy: "Oh yeah? I saw a unicorn in my backyard. Are you sure he wasn't high? I mean, did the eagle talk to him..."