For Reals

Back in the Aisle days when I first started working with Joe AKA Gluegen Schlagen, we were working the pallets and putting stuff on shelves. I noticed Gluegs putting all the varieties of Bone Sucking Sauce in one clump. I pulled him aside in the aisle and told him how to read the tags and showed him the teeny tiny print on each jar. When I pointed out the different varieties his response of, "Are you serious?" was met with my, "I'm as serious as an erection problem." This was the moment when we bonded. Gluegs inhaled sharply and said, "That's pretty god damn serious." You're damn right it is.

Ew.

After I had left The Aisles, I stopped in one day and ran into my favourite fella, Gluegen. We were catching up on things when I asked, with a touch of sarcasm, about a certain unpleasant co-worker. He was kind of rude and had a great big belly. The kind that Dr. Oz warns about as being a sign of looming diabetes. Well, the word down the aisles was that this guy probably had a tapeworm, so we (or rather, me) started referring to him as Tapeworm. I ask Glueg, "How's Tapeworm?" Now I had heard that he quit and went to Europe, but no one delivers news like Gluegs: "Oh, he went to Ireland to have his baby." Fucking hilarious.

Gluegens

Workin' the aisles one afternoon, Gluegens pulled me into the backroom to tell me of his run in with a certain German customer. "Schlagens (that was what Joe called me - our work names are derived from an imaginary brand of sauerkraut), you're not gonna believe this. I'm shelving the dog food and this woman comes up and asks me in this thick German accent if I have a penis." "Get the fuck outta here, she did not." "Hand to God, she looked me dead in the eye and said, 'You 'ave pea-nis?' and I started to unzip and told her, 'Hey baby, I got what you want...' when she shouted, 'No! No! Pea-nuts! Do you 'ave pea-nuts??' I was a little disappointed, Schlag."