Overdose

Michael was telling me that one of the people that comes in to see him, let's call him Arthur, has an annoying habit of mentioning the Lord or a Bible verse every time he speaks. Example:
"Good morning, Arthur. How are you today?"
"Well, by the grace and power of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am well. And how are you today in the name of our Lord and saviour Christ Almighty?"
"Ugh."

Text from Melissa

She took a picture of her bum and said this: it was a true eye opener. i knew i had junk in my trunk, but i didn't know i was a hoarder!
I'm telling you, that girl is a riot.

Email from Bishop

Subject: he's at it again

Message: mr. statham is shooting for oscar gold!

Bishop then included the link for Jason Statham's latest project The Mechanic. Awful, just awful. Statham needs to go back to modeling; he is more interesting when he does nothing but look good. And even his looks are wearing thin since the only time I see him is when he's attached to yet another dreadfully ridackulous piece of celluloid.

Savannah Mae's Return

The other day Savannah was having a crappity crap day at work and later told Melissa, "I was so mad earlier....I said some bad words. Girl, I made Jesus cry." That's actually not sayin' much seein' as Christ weeps almost as much as Michael Landon.

Laughter in the Laundry Room

Last night I was hanging out with my two favourite lil' cousins, Kayla age ten, and Jaeden, nine. Jaeden and I were chatting about cyberschool when Kayla came in to give me one of her ten minute long hugs. I finally pulled her on my knee and that's when she said, "I feel like a lesbian right now." I cracked up and told her, "Well then you are the hottest lesbian I've ever had sit on my lap!" "Really? Thanks Aunt Lucy."

I ♥ The Office

When I first heard this I laughed so hard that I had to immediately write it down before I forgot what had been said. I recently came across that scrap of paper and laughed just as much.

Jo: I want you to cover his ass like tightie whities.

Michael: I'm gonna cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.

Buster Bloodvessel

Best name for a lead singer ever!

(photo kidnapped from thejournal)

Stinky

"Ew, the other day at yoga in my autistic class, one of the kids farted and it smelled so bad I had to rinse my mouth out."
This sentence had me in stitches for several minutes and even now has me cracking up.

Mrs. Le Bon

(photo kidnapped from topfloormusic)
Heart at work was telling me about a friend of hers in high school named Staci. Staci was obsessed with Duran Duran lead singer, Simon Le Bon. So obsessed in fact that she would act as though the two were really an item. "She was deeply disturbed," Heart explained, "We would be at the Cherry Hill Mall and she would be looking at the men's ties and say, 'Don't you think this will look so good on Simon? I know he'll just love it.' Then she would seriously buy it! And then send it to him in England!!! I can't believe her mother didn't get her some help. Star, she actually saved money to fly to the UK and stand outside his house. She was a sick, sick girl." Sounds it.

Ridackulous

"Hey, Marina, did you freakin' hear about the new reality show that's gonna be on?"
"Noooo.....Should I be frightened?"
"Oh, most definitely. They actually stole the idea from an old ep of Arrested Development. If memeroy serves, when Maeby pulled into the studio lot, there was a billboard in the background that said Skating with the Stars."
"Oh my God, seriously? Seriously? That's totally horrible. I mean, what next, Gravedigging with the Stars??? Stupid."

Separated at Birth??

"Hey, Peg, do you like James Patterson?"
"Aw...from Eight Is Enough?"
"Um....that's Dick Patterson."

Look Elsewhere

Stacy was coming in to the back kitchen when Melissa was working and overheard a fellow employee complaining to the kitchen crew. Stacy was in the weeds and needed clean cutlery and had zero tolerance for whining. Enraged she snapped, "Are you looking for sympathy? Yeah? Well, look in the dictionary; it's between shit and syphillis. Now can I get some fucking clean spoons or what?"

Best Line Ever

One evening my father began to ascend the stairs when he paused, looked on my brothers, my mother, and I with contempt (i've forgotten what we did to piss him off) and when Mama asked, "Where ya goin'?" He responded, "I'm going upstairs to vomit in my underwear."