Stephen & Kreskin

Back in my days working at the pier, my manager was a young guy named Steve Mercer. I absolutely loved working with him because he had fabulously funny stories. Prior to our work together he was an assistant to The Amazing Kreskin. Steve said he was just brutal to work for and eventually the two had it out. Steve told me that the last conversation he and Kreskin had ended with him yelling at Steve, "Had I known that you were going to be the worst personal assistant EVER, I wouldn't have hired you." To which Stephen replied, "Hellllloo! You're the psychic!"

Party Girl

My favourite line from this movie: "I would like a nice, powerful, mind-altering substance. Preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills."

(photo kidnapped from charm.net)

Visiting Cousin Amanda

Over the summer, Marina went around the corner to meet our cousin Amanda's new baby and to bring a little gift. Here is the text that she sent as soon as she got home:
"i went to amanda's to meet the baby and give her a gifty and she was sleeping which at first was fine bc she has a newborn - then i saw past her and who was lying dead sound asleep alongside her at 545 in the afternnon? None other than her helpful husband...Seriously, i worked an entire day and spent $$$ on an outfit for ur baby only to come see u in bed sleepin gettin paid by the govt to raise ur truant kids! Wtf mate?!?"
Clearly, we have a deep afinity for our relatives. Not.

Dad's Take on Oprah

(photo kidnapped from nigeriashowbiz)

"I don't know what she's like to live with, but I'll tell you this, she's one hell of a broad." This statement was made to me about 6 years ago when I stopped at the house to find him watching a Dr. Phil ep of Oprah. I had begun to notice that my father was home by 3:30 every day so I asked my mother what the hell was up with the new hours he'd been keeping. She said that he started going in earlier so he could be home in time to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show. Is that freakin' endearing or what?

Darlene's Wish Comes True

Visiting Melissa like two weeks ago, her roommate's daughter asked me if I wanted to see a picture of her boyfriend. I said sure and she ran upstairs and did not return with a school photo of a fellow nine year old, as I expected. No, Darlene showed me a page ripped from a magazine of Ryan Reynolds. She then peered down at the picture and said in her little girl lisp, "I wan' him to get a di-borce and den he can mawry me."
When I heard today that he and Scarlett Johansson were seperating I texted Melissa the news and said, "Ding! Darlene - your wish has been granted."

Superhero Name

To determine your Superhero name, you must take your favourite colour as your first name and your favourite alcoholic beverage as your last name. Therefore I am Green Cosmo. (Green Caucasian was a close second tho...)

Sittin' Too Close

Earlier this year I had some time off and watched every season of Desperate Housewives that was available on DVD from the library. Then I rewatched some old eps of The Office. Apparently I had been quoting these shows and talking about them far too much because one afternoon my mother snapped and said, "You are watching entirely too much television. You're either working in an office filled with lunatics or living on a cul-de-sac with a bunch of desperate women. You really need to get out more, dear."

Oy Vey...

My brother's friend was telling us that his buddy had said, "Y'know, I don't get those bumperstickers. What's powmia mean?" "It means you're an idiot." However, Jon did admit that when he was 14 he asked his father what was the big deal with Semper Florida.

Arrested Development

Gob: What is this feeling...it's not like envy or even hungry...
Michael: Could it be love?
I know what an erection feels like, Michael!

She's Got Yer Back

Melissa was at work when she received a text from Danni:
"What time dya get done your shift?"
"like half an hour"
Thirty minutes later she received another text:
"I'm at the bar down the street. Where are you?"
"shit, i still have a table...i'll be there ASAP..."
Then, our favourite Southern Belle, Savannah Mae, was on her way out and said, "Hey girl, you got a hot date tonight?" "Yeah, my friend Danielle is waiting down at Houlihan's and I've got one table left." Savannah didn't miss a beat, she said, "I'm on it," and walked right out the door. Oh, and she had never met Danni and had no idea what she looked like. That's the kind of fabulous gal Savannah Mae is!

New York 1906

Recently I purchased a copy of The Etiquette of New York To-day which, originally written in 1906, discusses the proper manners of New York society of the day. Fr. Michael flipped through it and then tossed it back on the coffee table with a scoff. "That's so stuffy and unrealistic. I mean can you imagine sex conversations back then? 'It did give me much pleasure when he thrust his manhood deep within me.' Puh-lease!" Little did he know that sex conversations were not commonplace in New York at the turn of the last century.

Touched By An Angel

Fr. Michael informed me, "That one woman, she looked like she was comin' off a 4 day drunk. Angels don't age, but she sure as hell did." Daaaaammmmmn!

It Was Meant To Be...

Amy told me that on her 2nd date with Don, her husband, they went ice skating. The rink played all INXS albums. "I took it as a sign that we would be together forever."

Slip of the Tongue

Today I went to pick up Melissa and got a chance to see her roommate, Marci and Marci's two kids, Carla & Darlene. They were sitting on the floor watching an episode of Hannah Montana with Jon Cryer. Carla turns to her mother and asks, "Is he considered a whore with all those things in his room?" Through stunned silence came Marci's, "What??!" "A hoarder, is he a hoarder with all those things in his room? Isn't that what I said?" Um, it sure was, sweetie.