No Holds Barred

The other night Fr. Michael was over and at about half past eleven we went to head out for a smoke. Michael stood at the threshold and waited while I reached for my cigarettes. This was when he asked me, flat out, "Do you incorporate nipple stimulation into your masturbatory activities?" The question wasn't what stopped me dead, it was his phrasing. Incorporate nipple stimulation? Sometimes he sounds like a textbook. The next day I told Double J and Skylar this at the office and after they caught their respective breath each asked, "What did you say?!" "I said 'Yes.' Duh? I mean, why wouldn't I? They're there and they're fabulous." This sent them each into yet another fit of shocked laughter.

If only...

Me: I need a new bladder. I peepod entirely too much.

Skylar: You need like a bionic bladder or one that's like an oil refinery and it just burns it off.

Oh my god, that would be incredible. Seriously, I had to use the loo eleven times at work yesterday. This juicing and drinking water is bullshit. I'd slaughter small children for a slice of pizza right about now. Okay, that's an exaggeration. I'd definitely pinch one real hard on the back of their arm though.

Incoming

Last night at Bishop's we were channel surfing when he stopped on the local news station. The one gal had blindingly white teeth. They were actually distracting. Bishop sighed in disgust and said, "Look at that woman's teeth. You could land planes with those things! They are way too bright."