He's Baaaack...

I was relaying an awful experience I had to Bill in produce about how a creepy old guy grabbed my ass in the bulk food aisle. Worse yet was that the bastard smelled so strongly of old man powder that his odor transferred onto me like a bad skunk attack. Bill, known for his keen wit, saw me an hour or so later and rushed up to me saying, "Hey Star, there's a Cardinal Village bus that just pulled up out front. Guess word gets around fast about free hot, young ass, huh?" Oh Bill...

Words of Wisdom From Me Da

My father has always been a man to tell it like it is; no B.S. and no frills. You ask a question, you will get his honest answer. Here's an example from my late childhood:
"Hey, Da, what does 'four flushing' mean?"
"Means that you're such a big sack of shit that it takes four times to flush it all down the john."
"oh....thanks."
"Sure, that's what I'm here for."

Whoops...

My beloved godmother is like a brunette Bette Midler. She's bawdy and brash and every inch adorable and irresistible. Here is a brief look back at two of her greatest moments:
When I was a youngun, our neighbors were Dick and Mary Coffrey. Whenever my family threw a shin dig, they'd always be invited. Well, at one of our mid-autumn events, the ladies were in the kitchen gabbing, while Dick was out back pushing the kids on the swings. Well, Aunt Bette looks out back and says, "Mary, isn't your dick cold out there?" Okay, Dick may have only been wearing a t-shirt, and Aunt Bette's concern was warranted, however...it came out really wrong, thus leaving the room in a very awkward silence.
Not one to learn from her mistakes, the following year at the Memorial Day party, the gals were once again chatting together. This time they were watching the kids play in the front yard. Aunt Bette notices someone leaving Mary's side yard and asks, "Isn't that your dick across the street?" Oh, lord....Thankfully, the Coffrey's moved soon after that and we have yet to experience another faux pas of that magnitude from dear Aunt Bette. But her legacy continues on in so many other ways....

Mama Rose Freaks Out

Back when my lil' bro still lived at home, he and I were hangin' out at the 'rents place, kicking back to an old movie. ("Bringing Up Baby" more than likely.) Mama comes home with a Tower Records receipt in her paw and a scowl on her puss, directed specifically at Xavier.
"Hey, Ma, what's up?"
"What's up??? What's up???!! I demand to know who went to Tower Records today. And I want to know right now."
"Um, me and Rye went. Why?"
"Why? I'll tell you WHY. I do not want this kind of FILTH brought into MY home, do you understand me? I don't care which one of you bought this garbage, but get it out of this house. Have I made myself crystal clear, young man."
"Um, not really. What are you talking about?? All we did was pick up a movie. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal??? Do I honestly need to spell it out for you, Xavier Joesph??"
This is when I, in equal amounts of confusion, ask for the receipt. It reads: Snatch. After Xave & I had a good chuckle and chastised our mother for thinking we'd buy porn (and be dumb enough to leave the evidence on the floor of the garage,) we immediately realized, "Ew...Mom knows what snatch means..." I guess she's a real, live person after all.

A Wisecrack from Blaine

"Celine Dion uses the equator as a headband."
I personally never thought she had a gigantic head, but apparently I seem to be alone in that thought.

Epiphany & Star Chew The Fat

When working at the Hellmouth, Epiphany and I got to discussing a fellow employee known for his mangled teeth (and i use the term teeth very loosely), lack of personality and intellect, and his circa 1910 hair style. I don't like to be unkind, now, but to be completely forthcoming, he was nothing short of grotesque. Well, us gals were sitting in the back, deep into gossiping about his recent bed hopping from one co-worker to another when, in utter astonishment at this very thought, Epiphany exclaimed, "What would possess a woman, let alone two, into accepting someone like that into their lady parts? I mean, I honestly believe that one's genitals would have to rebel against something like that. Seriously! It would induce, like, a vaginal uprising." The sheer thought fills me with the urge to vomit into a nearby wastebasket. Bleck!!

The drawing below gives you a somewhat accurate likeness of said co-worker. Thanks to J. Taylor for his hilarious artwork.