Outline This

Reminiscing at work with Heart the other day, I asked, "Heart, do you remember outliners? You'd push the tip down and then it'd underline in gold or silver."

"Uh, no, ya fancy rich kid from Cherry Hill."

It should be stated that outliners were never expensive and that I was most definitely not a rich kid in the 80s.

Kids...

Marina was telling me about how she was nannying for the kids and she and Aneres, the nine year old, were sitting outside a water ice place waiting on Aneres' brother and sister. It was hot as balls and little Aneres wiped the sweat from her top lip and sighed, "Uhhh....my moustache is so sweaty."

In the Loop

(picture kidnapped from mposter)

My favourite scene between Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi) and Linton Barwick (David Rasche):

Malcolm: "Linton."
Linton: "Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again."
"Are you fucking me about?"
(laughs) "Is there a problem Mr. Tucker?"
"I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old-child."
"Oh, you're talking about A.J. A.J. is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton college prep, Harvard, one of the brightest and best."
"Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in alphabetic spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord."
"Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age, but could we just move on to what's important here? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say fresh British Intelligence. Is that true?"
"Yeah, apparently your fucking master race of highly gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done..."
"Alright, alright."
"Between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So an actual grown up has been asked to fucking bail you out."

Genius writing by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Tony Roche, and Armando Iannucci.

Lies? Truth?

When my cousin was little, my Uncle John was showing him my grandfather's Knights of Columbus sword. Inscribed on the blade were the words Knights of Columbus and when Ezekiel saw it he said, "Wow....look at this ancient writing...Was he a knight?"
"Yes he was."
"WOW, did he ever slay any dragons, Dad?"
"................of course he did."

Ew.

After I had left The Aisles, I stopped in one day and ran into my favourite fella, Gluegen. We were catching up on things when I asked, with a touch of sarcasm, about a certain unpleasant co-worker. He was kind of rude and had a great big belly. The kind that Dr. Oz warns about as being a sign of looming diabetes. Well, the word down the aisles was that this guy probably had a tapeworm, so we (or rather, me) started referring to him as Tapeworm. I ask Glueg, "How's Tapeworm?" Now I had heard that he quit and went to Europe, but no one delivers news like Gluegs: "Oh, he went to Ireland to have his baby." Fucking hilarious.

Doctor Kildare

Last summer I went w/Marina to the family chiropractor and as the young new doctor walked over to the receptionist desk I leaned over and whispered to Marina, "I'd like to straighten his spine..." Makes zero sense, but therein lies the hilarity!

No Habla Español

Melissa was telling me of how Darlene, her roommate Marci's daughter, was watching TV and stopped on HBO in Spanish. Darlene (who has a bit of a speech impediment) turned to Marci and said, "Dare jus' makin' dat up, Mommy. Day don't know what dare sayin'. Right, Mommy?"

Blind Leading the Blind

Last night I was telling Melissa of the time Fr. Michael was dating a blind guy named Peter. I said that one time the two of them went to Chili's for dinner. They walk in to the hostess stand and Peter says, "Michael, where are we? This isn't Chili's."
"Yes it is. That's what the sign out front said. Wow, they must have really revamped this place. It's so nice...ooo, they have a waterfall!"
"Yes, I hear that, but I'm telling you, we are not in Chili's."
"Peter, I know how to read and the sign outside said Chili's. Here comes the hostess; I'll ask her."
That's when she informed them that they were indeed not in Chili's.
Melissa asked what ever happened to Peter and I replied, "Oh, he's not seeing him anymore." That's when Melissa burst out laughing and said, "Duh."

Settin' the Ladies Straight

One of Seven's stable of ladies over the years that I've known him had said to him one evening, "You know, Seven, you really should stop smoking. It's gross and I don't like it." His response was a no-nonsense, "Honey, these cigarettes have been around long before you and they will be here long after you're gone. Okay?"

Randall's Pony

For her 5th bday, Randall wanted a Spirograph. Instead her father bought her a horse. Named Satan. Not a pony, but a horse. Excuse me, let me clarify, a Tennessee Walker stallion. Satan was aptly named because not only did he kick down 2 stall doors, but he threw Randall's father and then attempted to stomp his head once Papa hit the dirt. Then when her mother tried to ride Satan, she also got thrown off and was left with a broken back. After witnessing this all first hand, one can imagine why Randall never went near Satan. Apparently Tennessee Walkers are supposed to be calm, easily trained creatures, and I stress the word apparently. Randall's mother's back eventually healed and they sold Satan to someone who I'm sure had no idea what he was in for.

Wayne's Fashion Sense

"I don't know fashion, but I'm pretty sure that chick is wearin' a janitor's mop."

DC, Meet Jersey

A couple months back, Marina's college crew had met up in DC. Oon and Matthew and some of Oon's friends were walking back from dinner when a certain gentleman out on his front stoop gave a catcall to one of the ladies in the group. They stopped and pointed out that he was being really disrespectful. He didn't like hearing that and things escalated until he came down the steps and got in Matthew's face:

"You wanna call the fuckin' cops, they rite down there. Call the fuckin' cops, I fuckin' dare ya."
"Sir, I'd call a dentist before I'd call a cop if I were you."
"What did you just say??"
"1-800-DENTIST. Dial it up, ok? Sir, you could open cans with those chompers."

As they walked away, feeling as though this man had been knocked down a peg and put in his place, he starts shouting after them. Oon turned around and screamed back, "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" Later, Oon told Marina, "We brought that Jersey street shit to DC, honey." Hell to the mutha-fuckin' yeah on that one.

Bill from Produce Returns

One afternoon as I was clocking in, Bill came over and said that the new produce manager left him and his fellow coworker a note saying "There are two pallets of watermelons. Do something with them. Be creative." I couldn't help but laugh. Two pallets?? That's like two hundred watermelons. Bill brought me over to the produce cooler and as I peered around the plastic strips and into the walk-in, I saw the two giant pallets blocking everything. I gasped and asked what the hell he was gonna do. "Oh, yeah, I got that covered." Later Bill told me that when she came in, Bill said, "Oh hey, Jane, I took care of the watermelons; sold both pallets." "Really?" she exclaimed, "Wow, that's incredible." "Yeah, Gallagher's doin' a show so we sold 'em to him."

Swingin' Days in London

Best name for a shop ever: I Was Lord Kitchener's Valet