Ryan's Rant

Marina was taking her brother Ryan to 30th Street and made a sidestop to Wawa, he comes back to the car empty handed and this is their conversation:
"What happened? Where's your coffee, Rye?"
"Fuckin' Wawa. It's their sole purpose to provide the public with coffee and every single pot in there was bone freakin' dry."
"Well, you can get a cup of coffee at the train station."
"No I can't. I'll have two bags of luggage. How am I supposed to butter my biscuit? What, balance my coffee on my head? I'm not putting my luggage down just to have it snatched up by some hobo. This is such bullshit."

Random Excerpt

Me: "So Xavier has been driving my car, I'm driving Gina's, and Gina's been driving Xave's Bonneville..."
Amy: "It's a good thing my father's dead."
"What the?? Huh??"
"Yeah, he wouldn't wanna live in a world without Pontiac. Every car that man ever owned was a Pontiac."

Crybaby

Sitting at Benihana's last night, Amy said,
"Oh so did you see anything about Brett Favre?"
"Why, was he crying again?"
"Ha! No, it's some scandal about him and some gal who works for the Jets. And anyway, no one cries as much as Dick Vermeil."
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah. That man cries at like, Hallmark commercials. He's worse than my mother."
"I had no idea. I find that endearing. Now about that scandal..."

It's All In The Family

While hanging out with Ryan and Marina, we got to discussing their nieces' recent visit to Ryan's house. The girls were apparently very rude and belligerent and Ryan said, "They're like feral children." Daaaaammmmmn!

Wayne in the AM

It was one of those real early mornings for Wayne, back when he lived in C-wood and worked out near The King. He had gotten up late and didn't have time for that morning cup of java thus leaving him feeling cranky and irritable as he came up to the toll booth for the bridge. With his window rolled down and his arm in position to pass over the bills, a bridge employee beside Wayne's car hollered down to a coworker a few booths away. This startled Wayne and turned him into a crotchety ninety year old man who yelled back at him, "KEEP IT DOWN!"
He hung his head in shame while relaying this story to me, but I laughed like hell.

How fast...

...can a bear rip apart a tree?
Not half as fast as a Jewish mother can rip apart your self esteem.

(i have no idea where i heard this but it was most likely a comedian on mtv's half hour comedy hour from back in the day.)

Text Message from Marina

Driving behind a rock dumping truck today and it's logo "Rock A Fellas - we dump in your back yard" how gross is that?!? I think i would go rockless for eternity just based on their ad!
(8:20am 9/14/2010)

Halloween Humour

Conversation btwn Bishop and myself:

"So, Bish, I'm taking Bella out tomorrow to find a Halloween costume. She wants to be something scary this year."

"Have her go as debt. Nothing's scarier than debt."

Honesty

Wayne regarding the former state of the flower bed out front of Hawkins, "It was a wasteland. Essentially."

Tell It Like It Is

Conversation between my brother Dave and the gardener who asked what sort of landscaping they wanted for the front of the house:

Dave: "Look man, yer not gettin' any recommendations from us. I mean, we'd be sayin' sunflowers and pussy willows, y'know?"

Gardener: "Okay, so were you looking for annuals or perennials..."

Dave: "Y'know, get me a dictionary and tell me what that means cuz yer seriously speaking a foreign language here."

Marina's Tattoo

Marina was nannying for Aneres when she asked about her tattoo:

"Why don't you wash that off?"

"Because it's permanent."

"But why don't you get rid of it?"

"I don't want to get rid of it. I like it. I chose it."

"Well, you poor chosely."

Dental Humour

My dentist is thee best dentist in the entire universe. I adore him and everyone in his office. Today, sadly, I was getting a filling. Dr. Davis was removing the existing filling in the tooth and filling it and the small cavity that had formed in between the teeth. ANYWAY, he's drilling and says, "Geez, this is a deep filling. This may eventually need a crown. Wow, this is really deep. Wait! I think I see a Chilean Miner!" If his fist wasn't entirely in my mouth I would have busted out laughing.

Pat's Steaks

My brother Wayne once told us, "I like to go down to Pat's sometimes and stand on the plaque that says Rocky stood here. Stand there; feel good."

Should you ever visit South Philly and want a cheesesteak and can't decide between Pat's or Geno's - go for Pat's. Geno's is lousy with racists whose heads are as vacant as their souls. Geno's makes me ashamed to be from Philadelphia. That and the place is a total eyesore. Feel good and go with Pat's. (although I'm told Steve's Steaks are the best in the city)

Crazy Mike Goes Country

One day at The Aisles, Crazy Mike came up with a country styled song for a zombie film. He would walk down the juice aisle, straightening the bottles, and sing, "♪ I'm a face chewin' sonuvabitch!! ♫" It was catchy as all get out.

Mo Rocca

This was the funniest thing that Mo said on the entire run of VH-1's I Love The series: "David Koresh probably really isn't the Messiah, and if he is then the FBI really screwed up."

Straight Outta The Navy Yard

Marina and I stopped by Hawkins this evening to hang with my brothers, their ladies and Xave's girlfriend Genie's two kids. After reading bedtime stories and playing a little Guitar Hero 5, Marina and I said our goodbyes and headed to the garage to say good night to the smoking section. Marina was giving out hugs to Lexi (David's gf) and Xave when Dave said,
"Whoa, whoa...Marina, you jus' drop the F-Bomb?"
"Uh, yeah I did. Y'got a problem with that?"
"Whatever...Sailor."
(laughs) "Oh, I am so a sailor. And I do live near a Port."
As Marina and I head down the drive to little Truman, Dave yells, "Hey, have a good night, fucker."
Whatever, we laughed like hell.

The Wheel

While watching Wheel of Fortune with my father, the female contestant went bonkers when she won the big cash prize. Da turned to me and said, "I think she browned her drawers." I'm sure she did.

Il Duce

Disclosure: Let me state that I am not a fan of this individual in any way shape or form.

Okay, on with the story. My cousin Ryan works as a jazz guitarist playing gigs all over Center City with various musicians. One evening last month, he was playing with Marco who decided to let Ryan have a solo while he stepped out to have a smoke. Marco is relaxing and looking up at the night sky when all of a sudden he hears, "Hey man, can a bum a smoke off ya?" He looks over and it was Danny Bonaduce. Apparently Bonaduce does a talk show for a local radio station and lives near the bar where Ryan and Marco were performing. As Marco was reaching in his pocket to give Bonaduce a cigarette a thought entered his head. He paused and withheld the cigarette and said, "If you want this smoke, you gotta stick your head in the door and tell my buddy Ryan playing the guitar 'hey'." (Hey, you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band, right?) So Ryan's in the middle of playing Corcovado when out of no where, the door beside him swings open and Danny Bonaduce looks in and says, "Hey, Rye, what's up?" and then disappears back into the night.