Charlie Sheen

My father stated today that he feels that Charlie Sheen is "a two legged rectum." Well, there ya have it.

Mother!

Weaving around the many people clustered together and walking to their cars in the Whole Foods lot, my mother noticed an older man wearing an ashen white face and looking cold and tired. I did not take note of this man since I was scoping out parking spots for her. So imagine my surprise when out of the clear blue nowhere my Irish Catholic mama says, "Him pale face." WTF??? Him pale face? Really? Really?? Well thank you for that commentary, Mrs. Silverheels. Yeesh...

The Tragedy of 2008

Years ago I was at Bishop's house and an advert for A Raisin in the Sun starring Sean P. Diddy Diddy Puffy Puff Daddy Combs came on the telly. Bishop clutched his head in pain and screamed "What??!!?" From the computer desk in the next room we heard Bishop's husband, Pax, say, "What next? Britney Spears in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?? 'Hey y'all, I think, like, Maggie the Cat is alive er sum'in'...' Oy vey!"

Bernard Black

"Excuse me, there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money."
"That's how much it costs."
"Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some sort of dizzying high or....?"

The Truth Is Out

Hanging out with my friend Joesph the other night, he was telling me that he always feels like people think he's shop lifting when he wears his puffy black coat. I said it was a normal jacket and there's no way anyone would suspect him based solely on his choice of outerwear. I asked if he ever shoplifted and he said, "No, no. Never. Oh, no wait. Yes. When I was bingeing I used to steal candy bars. I was making $35,000 a year and I was stealing candy. (long pensive pause) I've had some interesting chapters in my life..."