Blind Leading the Blind

Last night I was telling Melissa of the time Fr. Michael was dating a blind guy named Peter. I said that one time the two of them went to Chili's for dinner. They walk in to the hostess stand and Peter says, "Michael, where are we? This isn't Chili's."
"Yes it is. That's what the sign out front said. Wow, they must have really revamped this place. It's so nice...ooo, they have a waterfall!"
"Yes, I hear that, but I'm telling you, we are not in Chili's."
"Peter, I know how to read and the sign outside said Chili's. Here comes the hostess; I'll ask her."
That's when she informed them that they were indeed not in Chili's.
Melissa asked what ever happened to Peter and I replied, "Oh, he's not seeing him anymore." That's when Melissa burst out laughing and said, "Duh."

Settin' the Ladies Straight

One of Seven's stable of ladies over the years that I've known him had said to him one evening, "You know, Seven, you really should stop smoking. It's gross and I don't like it." His response was a no-nonsense, "Honey, these cigarettes have been around long before you and they will be here long after you're gone. Okay?"

Randall's Pony

For her 5th bday, Randall wanted a Spirograph. Instead her father bought her a horse. Named Satan. Not a pony, but a horse. Excuse me, let me clarify, a Tennessee Walker stallion. Satan was aptly named because not only did he kick down 2 stall doors, but he threw Randall's father and then attempted to stomp his head once Papa hit the dirt. Then when her mother tried to ride Satan, she also got thrown off and was left with a broken back. After witnessing this all first hand, one can imagine why Randall never went near Satan. Apparently Tennessee Walkers are supposed to be calm, easily trained creatures, and I stress the word apparently. Randall's mother's back eventually healed and they sold Satan to someone who I'm sure had no idea what he was in for.

Wayne's Fashion Sense

"I don't know fashion, but I'm pretty sure that chick is wearin' a janitor's mop."

DC, Meet Jersey

A couple months back, Marina's college crew had met up in DC. Oon and Matthew and some of Oon's friends were walking back from dinner when a certain gentleman out on his front stoop gave a catcall to one of the ladies in the group. They stopped and pointed out that he was being really disrespectful. He didn't like hearing that and things escalated until he came down the steps and got in Matthew's face:

"You wanna call the fuckin' cops, they rite down there. Call the fuckin' cops, I fuckin' dare ya."
"Sir, I'd call a dentist before I'd call a cop if I were you."
"What did you just say??"
"1-800-DENTIST. Dial it up, ok? Sir, you could open cans with those chompers."

As they walked away, feeling as though this man had been knocked down a peg and put in his place, he starts shouting after them. Oon turned around and screamed back, "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" Later, Oon told Marina, "We brought that Jersey street shit to DC, honey." Hell to the mutha-fuckin' yeah on that one.

Bill from Produce Returns

One afternoon as I was clocking in, Bill came over and said that the new produce manager left him and his fellow coworker a note saying "There are two pallets of watermelons. Do something with them. Be creative." I couldn't help but laugh. Two pallets?? That's like two hundred watermelons. Bill brought me over to the produce cooler and as I peered around the plastic strips and into the walk-in, I saw the two giant pallets blocking everything. I gasped and asked what the hell he was gonna do. "Oh, yeah, I got that covered." Later Bill told me that when she came in, Bill said, "Oh hey, Jane, I took care of the watermelons; sold both pallets." "Really?" she exclaimed, "Wow, that's incredible." "Yeah, Gallagher's doin' a show so we sold 'em to him."

Swingin' Days in London

Best name for a shop ever: I Was Lord Kitchener's Valet