Mom Zombie

Few things in this world were as disturbing as the time I came home from work (i still lived with my parents at this point) to find Mama Rose at the kitchen sink, soapin' up the dishes with Palmolive, and listening to Rob Zombie's "Dragula" on the house computer. More disturbing than all that was the fact that she was singing along with the track. Like seriously belting out words like "Dig thru the ditches and burn thru the witches and slam in the back of my Drag-ula!" in her operatic, high pitched voice. Clearly, Xavier was still being driven around town by Mum and this was how she became acquainted with "that Zombie fella," as she called him. Ah, that boy kept her young, hip, and current on all that is new and fabulous.

(at first, mum was not terribly pleased with mr. zombie's look - dredlocks are her least favourite thing next to discovering goose feces on her newly manicured lawn - but when she saw this ↓ picture she said, "aw, he has such a nice face. why he would ever want to hide beneath those messy dredlocks is simply beyond me!")

Foodies

My cousin Marina is, like so many of my friends and family, obsessed with food. Mostly, she is obsessed with discussing the food she is eating, has ate, and will eat. She and her brother Ryan were having dinner the other night when he paused mid-bite and said, "Mmm, this is like a carnival in my mouth." Christ, her disorder is spreading like butter melting in a skillet. Now what to place in that skillet...

Great Title

Jim Goad wrote a book entitled, "Shit Magnet: One Man's Miraculous Ability to Absorb the World's Guilt" and that title rocks.

Wayne In Paris

Last night my brother Wayne and I were chatting about travel and all the places we want to visit. He told me of his trip a few years ago to Paris and how you really feel completely different the moment you set foot in the city. Wayne, like all of my brothers, has an uncanny way of saying things in such a way that sends me doubled over laughing. I said that all I wanted was to sit in an outdoor café, watch the city and its people and enjoy a cigarette. That's when Wayne spoke of how Paris is filled with the world's most beautiful and charming cafés and stated, "It's a fantasy-land." Fantasy-land??! Hilarious.

Archie Bunker

When my father was in his forties he greatly resembled actor Carroll O'Connor. Da loves to tell of the time he was leaving work in Center City (looking very Archie Bunker with his dark trousers, white button down shirt, black shoes and no tie) and walking to his car. A large black man walking the opposite direction, sees my father, pauses and says, "Eh, anybody ever tell you you look just like Archie Bunker, man?" Not skipping a beat, my father throws up his hands as if in a hold-up and replies, "I don't think like him, man!"

Snores

Michael's BF is apparently quite the snorer and Michael described it as such: "Liza, the snoring, it is unbearable. It's like a constant low bass car horn. When he's not snoring he's got the wind tunnel blowing in my ear."
That fella's lucky that Michael sure does love him a lot.
(i actually find snoring mildly endearing and comforting...)

Me = Weird

I found a page the other day that had a random list of email subject lines that I had sent to friends back in the day. Some of them were kinda funny. Judge for yourself:

Vandalizing cars is my hobby.
Spinal columns are not just for straight people.
My loafers have untied laces.
Pirate's gold is for Pirates.
Marsupials live in my toaster.
Peanut Brittle makes for excellent shingles.
I eat potato chips for breakfast.
Marshmallow cupcakes.
Flash Gordon is my personal hair stylist.

Some of these were so cute that I fear there is no possible way that I could have come up with them. Especially the spinal columns one. That cracks me up.

Monty Python

Scene: John Cleese sits behind a desk and has the following dialogue with a gentleman-
"I understand that you wish to become an icon."
"Uh...is it difficult?"

The absurd often times generates the biggest laughs from me.

Puddin'

There are two games that I love to play in the car on long trips. Scratch that; on all trips. That is Bingo and Puddin'. Bingo is when you holler "Bingo!" when seeing a yellow car or truck (that isn't a utility/work vehicle) and by the end of the journey, whoever had the highest number is the winner. My nieces and I are addicted to it.
But few games bring as much laughter as Puddin'. It's simple; you think of a film and replace one of the words with Puddin'. Example: Hey Hey, It's Esther Blueberger could become Hey Hey, It's Esther Puddinberger. Here is a LONG list of examples from my old blog from 2006:
Rocky Horror Puddin' Show
Creature from the Black Puddin'
Blazing Puddin'
Jesus Christ Puddin' Hunter
When A Puddin' Calls Back
The Puddin' Book
28 Puddin's Later
Night of the Living Puddin'
The Towering Puddin'
The Puddin' Escape
Once More With Puddin'
Howard's Puddin'
The Silence of the Puddin'
Faster Pussycat Puddin' Puddin'
The Puddin' Has Eyes
Texas Puddin' Massacre
Peggy Sue Got Puddin'
The Eyes of Laura Puddin'
Citizen Puddin'
Gosford Puddin'
Remains of the Puddin'
9 1/2 Puddin's
Risky Puddin'
Dirty Puddin'
The Day the Puddin' Stood Still
Somewhere in Puddin'
The Four Puddin's
Puddin' to Me
Pretty in Puddin'
High Road to Puddin'
12 Angry Puddin''s
Ferris Puddin's Day Off
The Puddin' of Greenwich Village
Adventures in Puddin'
Mrs. Puddin' Presents
Pride & Puddin'
Puddin' & Prejudice
Bridget Jones' Puddin' Diary
Beyond Puddin'
Twin Peaks: Puddin' Walk With Me
La Dolce Puddin'
Mulholland Puddin'
The Last Temptation of Puddin'
What Ever Happened to Baby Puddin'?
Rosemary's Puddin'
Octopuddin'
The Maltese Puddin'
Puddin's are Forever
Flight of the Puddin'
From Puddin' With Love
Little House on the Puddin'
The Puddin' Rose of Cairo
Midnight Puddin'
All About Puddin'
3 Men & a Puddin'
Deer Puddin'
The Journey of Natty Puddin'
Curly Puddin'
The End of the Puddin'
Bye Bye Puddin'
Gone With the Puddin'
The Manchurian Puddin'
North By North Puddin'
They Shoot Puddin' Don't They
The Sound of Puddin'
West Side Puddin'
Stealing Puddin'
Pink Floyd's The Puddin'
Lady Sings the Puddin'
Easy Puddin'
It's A Wonderful Puddin'
Puddin' at Tiffany's
It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Puddin'
Broadcast Puddin'
The Lost Puddin'
198puddin'
The Puddin' of Madison County
Rear Puddin' (sounds like a discharge)
Puddin' on 34th Street
The Pud, The Bad, & The Ugly
The Madness of King Puddin'
6 Degrees of Puddin'
Under the Cherry Puddin'
Seven Brides for Seven Puddin's
How Stella Got Her Puddin' Back
Plan Puddin' from Outer Space
All the President's Puddin'
The Wicker Puddin'
Regarding Puddin'
Puddin' on the Ritz
Easter Puddin'
White Puddin' Can't Jump
A Tale of Two Puddin's
The Exorcism of Puddin' Rose
Puddin' of the Baskervilles
You've Got Puddin'
O Puddin' Where Art Thou
Meet Me in St. Puddin'
Boyz in the Puddin'
Fistful of Puddin'
Field of Puddin'
Sleepless in Puddin'
The Andromeda Puddin'
Nightmare on Puddin' Street
The Puddin' Clause
Pee Wee's Big Puddin'
Of Mice & Puddin'
East of Puddin'
Not Without My Puddin'
Don't Be A Menace to South Central While Eatin' Your Puddin' in the Hood
How to Lose A Puddin' in Ten Days
Ace Ventura: Puddin' Detective
Puddin' Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Anatomy of a Puddin'
Streetcar Named Puddin'
Ben-Puddin'
Throw Puddin' From the Train
This Puddin' is Condemned
Suddenly Last Puddin'
Desperately Seeking Puddin'
Who's That Puddin'
Bill & Ted's Excellent Puddin'
Saving Private Puddin'
Behind the Puddin' Door
Debbie Does Puddin'
Earth Puddin's Are Easy
Spiderpuddin'
When Harry Met Puddin'
How Green Was My Puddin'
I Never Promised You a Puddin' Garden
50 1st Puddin's
War of the Puddin's
Puddin' on a Plane
Valley of the Puddin'
Good Night & Good Puddin'
The Devil Wears Puddin'
Hitchhikers Guide to Puddin'
The World According to Puddin'
Puddin' Blvd.
Less than Puddin'
A Fish Called Puddin'
Lord of The Puddin'
-The Fellowship of the Puddin'
-The Two Puddin's
-The Return of the Puddin'
Scent of a Puddin'
Mystic Puddin'
The Puddin' of the Mohicans
The Trouble with Puddin'
Annie Get Your Puddin'
Million Dollar Puddin' (served at the Algonquin Hotel)
The Puddin' Brief
Prêt-à-Puddin'
Psycho Beach Puddin'
Alien vs. Puddin'
Office Puddin'
Monty Python's Holy Puddin'
Life of Puddin'
La Belle et la Puddin'
The Puddin' of the Christ
Jesus Christ Superpuddin'
The Truth About Cats & Puddin'
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Puddin's
Napoleon Puddin'
Spongebob Puddin' Pants: The Movie
The Blues Puddin'
Puddin' at Heart
Puddin' Streets
Welcome to the Puddin'
The House on Puddin' Hill
The Flying Leather Puddin's
The Quiet Puddin'

These are ones that Blaine came up with:

I Was A Teenage Puddin'
House of 1000 Puddin's
The Puddin' Always Rings Twice
She's Having A Puddin'
Stir of Puddin's
Bringing Up Puddin' (sounds like they're a little ill)
House of Flying Puddin's
Crouching Tiger HIdden Puddin'
The Puddin' Under the Stairs
Schindler's Puddin'
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Puddin'
Weird Puddin'
The Owl and the Puddin'cat
The Mirror Has Two Puddin's
On a Clear Day You Can See Puddin'
The Lion in Puddin'
Puddin' of the Year
To Have and Have Puddin'
Farewell, My Puddin'
Dude, Somebody Stole My Puddin'
Shadow of a Puddin'
Puddin' in the Rain
20,000 Puddin's Under the Sea
Lara Croft: Puddin' Raider
Fried Green Puddin's
Star Wars: The Puddin' Menace
Groundhog Puddin'
A Low Down Dirty Puddin'
Puddin'fellas
Madonna: Truth or Puddin'
The Puddin' of Dr. Caligari
Ordinary Puddin's
Die, Puddin', Die!
I Walked With A Puddin'
Cat Puddin'
Curse of the Cat Puddin'
Lethal Puddin'
Mad Max Beyond Thunderpuddin'
Puddin' Interrupted
The 40 Year Old Puddin'
Bring Me the Puddin' of Alfredo Garcia
The Pudd Earth (by Pearl S. Buck)
Raging Puddin'
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Puddin'
The Puddin' Was Green
The Long Hot Puddin'
Pud (starring Paul Newman!)
Clear and Present Puddin'
Rebel Without A Puddin'
Porn Star: The Legend of Ron's Puddin'
Inherit the Puddin'
Arsenic and Old Puddin'
8 Puddin's in a Duffelbag
Under a Tuscan Puddin'
Barefoot in the Puddin'
Close Encounters of the Puddin' Kind
Dick Puddin' (starring Warren Beatty)
Risky Puddin'
Puddin's of the Caribbean
Trading Puddin's
Full Metal Puddin'
Coal Miner's Puddin'
Puddin' and Maude
Manos, Hands of Puddin'
Puddin' Got Served
Invasion of the Puddin' Snatchers
I Am A Fugitive from a Puddin' Gang
Puddin' of the Apes
Soylent Puddin' (Ahhh! The Puddin' is PEEEEEEEEEEOPLE!!!)
Puddin'ship Down
Terminator 2: Puddin' Day
Indepuddin's Day (IP4)
Polterpuddin'
Bedknobs and Puddin'sticks
Puddin'shack
A Cool, Dry Puddin'
Bio-Puddin'
Big Top Puddin' Wee
Shall We Puddin'
A Puddin' To Remember
Wait Until Puddin'
With Six You Get Puddin'
Curse of the Mummy's Puddin'
The Angry Red Puddin'
Forbidden Puddin'
Bleak Puddin' (by Charles Dickens and nominated for a bunch of Emmys)
The Courtship of Eddie's Puddin'
Journey to the Center of the Puddin'
What's Eating Gilbert Puddin'
A Puddin' is Born
Out of the Puddin'
The DaVinci Puddin'
Guess Who's Coming to Puddin'
Harold & Kumar Go to Puddin' Castle
The Puddin' Brief
The Puddin' Vanishes
Dead Men Don't Wear Puddin'
The Wild World of Batpuddin'
The Puddin' Trap
The Legend of Lizzie Puddin'
Two Puddin's Before the Mast
The Puddin'slayer
Rasputin the Mad Puddin'
Any Given Puddin'
The 7th Puddin' of Sinbad
The French Lieutenant's Puddin'
I Married a Puddin' from Outer Space
An Officer and a Puddin'
The Roman Puddin' of Mrs. Stone
Shirley Puddin'tine
Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Puddin'?
Island of Lost Puddin's
Voyage to the Bottom of the Puddin'
Have Puddin', Will Travel
Star Trek III: The Search for Puddin'
The Puddin's Have Eyes
Puddstock: The Movie
Ed Pudd
Dracula Has Risen from the Puddin'
Fat Man and Little Puddin'
Rosenkrantz & Guildenstern are Puddin's
Much Ado About Puddin'
H. R. Puddin'stuf
Mary Puddin's
Enter the Puddin' (with Bruce Lee)
Jefferson In Puddin'
Puddin' Along the Mohawk
Five Easy Puddin's

This game is essentially endless and I highly recommend coming up with your own. It's a fab way to pass the time!

Baldwin Gems

Years ago, Alec Baldwin guest starred on an episode of Friends playing Parker, Phoebe's date. Parker was overly excited about life and totally over-the-top. Every single thing that he said was beyond hilarious. Here are a few of the best:

"Oh my God! You look so fantastic! On my way over I pictured what you would look like in my mind's eye and now I'm like, 'Mind's eye, you had no idea!'"
"Massapequa, it sounds magical. Tell me about Massapequa. Is it steeped in Native American history?"
"Can I just say that your driving is exquisite?"
"What a beautiful place. What a great night. I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C, I felt so lucky. Think of all the good times that happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs, both bar and bat. None of them will compare with tonight. My God, I don't want to forget this moment. It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all...............CLICK!"
"Look at this plate-bouncy thing! What an inspired solution to man's plate dispensing problems."
"My God, what a fantastically well-lit hallway!"
"I must say this apartment, it's...(snaps fingers in search of description)...there are no words. It's a haven! A third floor paradise, a modern day Eden!"

The Steak Pit

Last night, Marina, myself, Wayne, Dave, Xavier, and Xavier's gorgeous gal, Genie Montana all went to the local Steak Pit for an evening of wining and dining. Our cousin, Ryan was performing with his jazz group and we were sittin' pretty like the Rat Pack right next to the action in a swanky ¾ moon booth.
After some Mojitos, Mango Margaritas, Long Islands, Captain & Coke, Standards, and Stella Artois we all relaxed into a long strand of hilarious anecdotes and slightly loud conversations on highly inappropriate topics. It's what our family does best.
Dave was recalling a time that he and Uncle Johnny had VIP box seats for Flyers games at the First Union Center. Most times he & Johnny would get so caught up with cigar smoking, schmoozing and boozing that the game was merely white noise in the background. After several cocktails, Dave was in a grand mood. That's when another VIPer hollers, "Hey! Paul!!" Dave, for some inexplicable reason, smiled broadly and yelled back, "Hey man, how the hell are ya?" It should be known that he has no idea who this man was or why he was calling him Paul. The man continued to talk to Dave as if they were old friends, "So, Paul, great season, man. Great season." Dave responded, "Yeah, man, but tough, tough season." He later discovered that he was being mistaken for Formula One driver, Paul Tracy. I looked up pictures and the resemblance is really uncanny.
Ever the prankster, every game following that evening, Uncle John reveled in engaging with the gentlemen by asking, "Did this guy have a phenomenal season or what?" It always managed to get the two of them many a free drink. Brilliance runs in our family.

Oops...

Last night Michael was telling me of the time when he worked at BCC and greeted a group of women with, "Hi girls!" Apparently some of the ladies took offense. "Liza, this African-American woman looked at me as if I had just reopened the slave trade outside."

Cold Souls

The best line in this entire film is when Paul Giamatti clutches his proverbial pearls and gasps, "Are you telling me that my soul is a chickpea?"

Confidence

Two days ago I was driving to my parents' place when I saw a seventy-five year old man jogging. He was wearing 1970s short green shorts and a matching midriff. Also, he had a fuzzy flat tummy.

Crazy Mike

In February of '06 Crazy, Matt, & I were chatting in the backroom about how Crazy's car seemed like the carpet bag from Mary Poppins. He conceded when admitting, "Yeah, I've got everything in my car; shoes, shirts, pants, I've even got a couple Asian women left over from the 60s."

Mum + Da + Moondoggie

I was asking my mum the other day about when she first started to talk to my father. They worked together starting in 1969 but didn't become friendly until '71. At the time she was a naïve nineteen year old and Da was a suave older gent. Apparently, Mum had no idea that he was taking an interest in her when one time he asked about her plans for the weekend. Her response had me in stitches. Here is the convo:
"So, Roe, do you have any plans this weekend?"
"I'm probably going to the beach with my boyfriend to go riding in his Dune Buggy."
Dune Buggy??? Well, go on, Gidget.

Penny on "Billie Jean"

"This is the best song about a paternity suit ever!"

Meet Ava

Marina was going to pick the girls up for a doctor's appointment and found the two of them sidewalk chalking with their neighbor, five year old Ava. Marina walks over to the gals and her greeting was met with Ava's, "Hi. I hate eggplant." Marina busted out laughing and replied, "Hmm...interesting. Tell me what you love." In her matter of fact way, Ava stated, "Meatballs."

Fran from Produce

While on a smoke break out at the tables, I overheard Bethany and Fran chatting with some of the crew from the front end. They were discussing the upcoming weekend and Fran was saying that he and the fam were hitting the beach and Fran said he hoped that he would not be subjected to see any old men in speedos. "Yeah, but I bet you don't mind women in thongs," Bethany stated. "Honey," Fran responded, "I like thongs more than I like chocolate cake."
Best line ever.