Southern Belle

Melissa was telling me of this fabulous gal she started working with who is a bona fide Southern Belle. Savannah Mae, that's her name, was telling of her sister Abigail's new puppy. She told Melissa, "Oh, his mama was a bowl-a-sugar and his daddy was a marshmallow. He is just a fluffy lil' ball-a-love."

The Cool Hand Luke of Hot Dogs

(photo by xavier kent)

It all started with Wayne telling Dave,

"I can eat 16 hot dogs."
"Get the hell out of here. There's no way you can do it, bro."
"Seriously, buns and fixings; the whole nine."

"I'd like to see that."

"I did a trial run."
"What, three?"
"No. Two."

Enormous laughter from Dave until he can say, "That's a trial run???"

"Well, I went into it imagining that I'd be eating sixteen."

"And?"

"And, it's gonna be tough."

Eventually Wayne stepped up but could only manage to eat seven. He wanted to save room for dessert. But we are still proud of his attempt.

Hilarious

Last night Daddy Pax & Bishop were entertaining me in their lovely abode and Pax showed me the funniest god damn thing I've seen in six months. Alexandra Billings in a short entitled "Katie's Corner Presents: How to Apply Makeup" that had me doubled over for the entire eight minutes. I officially love this woman and her impression of Katharine Hepburn is spot on. Check her out - you will not be disappointed!

Brilliance

Once my BFF and I were discussing our distaste of raisins and Amy summed up her feelings on the matter with this little nugget of genius: "Where there is a raisin, there could have easily been a chocolate chip."

The Mighty Quinn

Here is Xavier's truck, The Mighty Quinn (which incidentally, he purchased from my pal Melissa). Not too long ago, my brothers and I were all hanging out in the kitchen at Hawkins and Dave asked Xavier how the truck was running. Xave said, "Well, it only has a tape deck so I had to go diggin' through my closet and I found Dad's old cassette tape of the soundtrack to Footloose." Dave's response was, "That's the perfect vehicle for jamming out to the Footloose soundtrack. Except for maybe a combine." That's very true.

Fr. Michael Meets Gurt

"He looks as though he would tend to animals, like in his front yard."

Mommy Marina

When Marina was little she had a giant plastic baby doll who was as big as her. Marina loved this baby more than anything else, so she decided to give it the most beautiful name in the whole world. Septa.

Catholic School Blues

Last night Fr. Michael and I were reminiscing about grade school, he was several years beneath me, and he told me of a certain nun who taught after I had moved on to Junior High. Her name was Sister Bernice and she was, according to Michael, thee worst teacher ever. Each time the class would have a test she would say, "Hmm...today's test will be open book. And it's okay if you wish to share with your neighbor." So basically every test was open book and you were allowed to cheat off of the person next to you. Ridiculous. Then Michael said, "When Sr. Bernice would get mad, she'd get all red in the face and start yelling like a football player." The fact that he referenced the intensity of her rage to that of an American football player had me laughing til I cried. I asked Xavier if he had Sr. Bernice and his texted response was, "Yeah. She was a real c-word."

Good Vibrations

(photo kidnapped from comicbookmovie)

At work Marky Mark's Good Vibrations came on and instantly I swooned to Heart, "Oh my God, Heart, I had thee biggest crush on Marky Mark." She responded with, "I'm feelin' it." If you know the song as well as I, then you understand.

The Mouths of Babes

Marina was nannying with Aneres and they got on the topic of the facts of life. Aneres said, "You know that when I was five I actually thought that boys had boys and girls had girls." Her brother said that was totally stupid, but I think it's bloody brilliant and makes total sense.

Blasphemer!

One day I was reminising to a coworker about my days in Catholic school and the countless Sundays spent in church, "Just once at communion I wanted to ask the priest 'D'y'all have some cheese for this wafer? Jesus tastes better with brie, dontchya think?'" Was that bad?

En Español...

Marina started teaching Spanish to her third grade class today and so far she is in love with all of her kids. They seem like a pretty funny bunch. Today she told me that Karl raised his hand and asked, "Miss, do you know how to say 'buttered bald monkey head' in Spanish?"

Amen

Leaving Hawkins, Xavier noticed that my car is due for inspection in a month or so. I told him that Fr. Michael is still driving around in Jean-Michel (my old 626 that i sold to him two years back) with a sticker that expired November of last year. That's when Dave said, "He's inspected by God." Let's hope he doesn't get pulled over by an atheist cop.

This one's for you, Michael Douglas.

My brother Xavier is the king of movie quotes. He's so good that it's actually quite frightening. Last week at Hawkins, I knocked one out of the park. Marina was over and she was talking about her travels with Xavier & Wayne. She mentioned wanting to volunteer in Guam or Panama or Colombia. Xavier asked where in Colombia to which Marina replied "Cartagena. It's one of Colombia's largest cities and is right on the coast." I interrupted with, "Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena." Marina dismissed it because she didn't catch the reference but Wayne burst out laughing, "Man, that was a good one. I can't believe you pulled that one out." It was a proud moment in my humble little life.

(foto kidnapped from dvdbeaver)

Bad Blood

Tuesday afternoon my brothers David and Xavier were helping to move our brother Wayne and his father. Wayne's dad is eccentric like the way Phil Spector is eccentric. Dave told me that after sweating through 3 changes of clothes, they finally were able to make it to the back of the U-Haul truck without dropping dead from heat stroke. (It needs to be stated that Mr. Karis is a bit of a hoarder.) When Dave walked all the way to the back of the truck he saw a keg. He went to move it and discovered that it was near empty; as was the one beneath it. Dave sees Mr. Karis and hollers, "Hey, what's up with these kegs, man?"
"Oh, one is from Wayne's christening and the other is from Lydia's christening."
"You're shittin' me."
"No, really, they are."
"Well, you'll have til Friday to say goodbye cause we're dropping them at the curb."
And apparently they were Schaefer kegs. Yikes.