Takers

Marina, Cole, and I went to see this cinematic gem not too long ago. Suffice it to say that the film was as dreadful as I knew it would be. But my niece wanted to see it, so Marina and I assailed our eyes for the evening. My favourite part was when T.I. said to Michael Ealy something along the lines of, "You took my money, you took my bitch..." That's when Marina turned to Cole and I and said, "He must have really loved her..." Yeah, totally. If you get an opportunity to see this film - turn it down.

Meditate on this for a piece...

Melissa came home the other day to find her psychologically unbalanced roommate at the computer with Facebook pulled up on screen. Marci turns to Melissa and says, "I was just talking with Amy. She said Adam [Amy's 34 year old husband] had a stroke." Melissa gasped and responded, "Oh my god, is she alright? Is Adam okay???" Ever the caregiver, Marci says,"Please! I'm living with a thyroid condition! It's only a stroke." Self absorbed much??

From The Mouths of Babes

When my friend's son was still in diapers, she told me that every single time she would change him as soon as the diaper came off he'd yell, "THERE IT IS!! It's my penis!!"

Then when my nephew was about three he was downstairs watching TV and started screaming for his mother. She ran downstairs to find him pantsless and shouting, "Mom! Mom! My wee-wee's standing up!!!!!" When she asked how that had happened, he proudly told her, "I did it!!"

And finally, when my friend, Clara's son first discovered his penis he was constantly masturbating. Clara pulled him aside and told him that's something to do in private. A week or so later she called him in for dinner and he by passed the kitchen and went towards his bedroom. "Justin, I said it's dinner, where are you going?" His response? "Mom, I gotta go rub."

The Cat That Will Never Be

Not terribly long ago Wayne, Marina, and I were on our way to Delaware. I was the one stuck in the back seat and I was in a foul mood. Wayne, in trying to draw me into the conversation occurring up front, asked, "Hey, Star, if you had a cat, what would you name it?" Without thinking I responded, "Death. So I could drown it." After I calmed down, I said it would be Alice for a girl and Scuttlebutt, Scut for short, for a boy. I'm not much of a pet person.

God Bless The USPS

While driving home from work, Marina was stopped at a light, leaning her weary head upon her wrist and looking out the passenger window. She saw a postal worker out on his route who was 6'1", with enormous biceps that strained against his light blue shirt, a shaved head and skin like The Rock's; he was nothing short of pure perfection. She later told me that he was, "The very picture of who you want to come to your door were you to hire a stripper."

Oh Lord...

This piece, done by my cousin Ryan, was purchased by me and now hangs proudly above my fireplace. A few weeks back, my friend Katherine saw it and asked, "Why do you have a picture of Saddam Hussein on your wall?" After my mother and I laughed our asses off, Mama said, "Um, Kath, that's Duke Ellington." Yeah, Katherine wasn't even close.

The Saved Texts

From Fr. Michael after telling him that Susan Lucci was to be on Dancing with The Stars:
"omg, i know i love her like the baby jesus"

From Kaitlyn, fellow Harry Potter reader - July 20th 2007:
"Can u believe it? The last potter book! I'm so excited!"

From Melanie on January 16th 2009:
"Just a friendly reminder to shave your crotch January 20th. It's the last day for Bush."

From Blaine:
"jesus fucking handgrenades what kinda movie was duane hopwood?!"
(it'll tear your heart out.)

From Amy, fellow Blues Brothers fanatic:
"Im in KC. Awesome band called 4 fried chickens & a coke"

From Mum after an allergic reaction to a new makeup:
"Call me before you go to Philly. Stay Puft Marshmallow lady? Yeah."

From Marina, fellow lover of The O.C.:
"Gentiles - theyre just not funny...Sandy cohen is a jew after my own heart!"

From Ryan regarding his gorgeous sketch of Duke Ellington:
"Sold 2 u, the highest bidder, the only bidder, miss star, patron to the arts and the worlds coolest cousin :)"

Early morning text from Ash, sleeping in the next room:
"Sugar pie! Get you little butt out of bed and come say goodmorning to me :)"

Fr. Michael after going several weeks without seeing one another:
"I've missed u like cigarettes and the smooth caramel rear ends of young hispanic men;)"

From Kristin Jackson 8:26pm Sept. 25th, 2010:
"Did all the back up vocal and dancers hair for Katy perry on snl today I'm here right now!!"

From Ronny after being told that The Doobie Bros. got back together:
"oh man, the Doobie Brothers are back together! Jack T Colton must be fired up!"
and when asked, "What does the T. stand for?" he replied
"Trustworthy. Now I ain't cheap but I can be had"

From Melissa (this makes me laugh b/c it's such an absurd thing to ask):
"Hi, what is in those socks we were talking about?"

Not quite...

See if you can guess the lines that certain family members misheard from famous songs:

♫You know this lunch is for you

♪The cross eyed bear

♫Two Pop Tarts

♫He seems to have a Billy Bob touch and... (no lie, my father used to sing this for real)

♪One of these days I'm going to bury you in my rose garden.