Fabulous Insult

Bishop was having a back and forth with a coworker via email and it was getting ugly. Before he completely lost control of his senses, he backed off and stopped responding. Bish is a bit intimidating at six one and built like a brick shithouse, but he's got a heart of gold. However, his words can make anyone cry, myself included. I told him that she was lucky that he didn't confront her in person, to which Bishop said, "She's lucky I didn't call her a rat infested gash." Ew. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Fightin' Irish

I used to work with this woman, Natalie. She was about forty and sweet as can be. Every shift with her had me doubled over laughing. She had such a hilarious way about her and it seemed impossible for her to not be funny as hell. One afternoon, Natalie, Kathy and I were talking about fights we'd been in during our youth. Kathy, from Chicago's South Side, had some that made us all a little afraid. Natalie then told us that she used to get into fights all the time. I was a tad stunned. Natalie? Fight? I mean, she looked as though she'd spent her adolescence making daisy chains in a meadow. Oh, how wrong I was. She then proceeded to tell us how at age 21 when she was hanging out with her then boyfriend and future husband that her sister said something to piss her off. Natalie grabbed her sister by the back of her head and then started smashing her fist repeatedly into her sister's face. Natalie actually broke her hand from doing this; oh, and her sister had just finished recovering from a nose job. In case you were curious, Jersey girls fight for reals; no hair pulling and scratching. We go full tilt boogie.

The World's Worst Wedding Table Guest

Poor Fr. Michael always gets seated with the crazies at any event. Perhaps because he's a social worker who deals with disturbed and addicted individuals, people just automatically feel he'll survive an evening with the family nutcases. His sister's wedding was no exception and he was seated with the singles and psychos. He described them as such, "Liza, they were not of this planet. They acted as though they were in the King's Court. Everything they discussed was dialogue taken from The Tudors or some Shakespearian play. I finally couldn't take it, so when dinner was served I excused myself and went out to chain smoke 11 cigarettes. I came back, literally, forty minutes later and they hadn't eaten. One of them said, 'We wanted to wait until your return before we began our meal.' They sat there and waited like a bunch of idiots. They finally started eating and decided to go into extreme detail about every single bite. 'My, what a succulent morsel.' I'm telling you, Liza, I can't even begin to imagine daily living with these fools. I can't."

My other favourite wedding guest has to be the man seated next to Bishop at his friend's wedding. Let's call him Tony, shall we? Apparently Tony did not realise that the man on the other side of Bishop was in fact Bishop's husband, Pax. Throughout the meal Tony kept puttin his hand on Bishop's knee. Towards the end of the wedding, Tony went to the men's room and Bishop and Pax headed home. Later Vinnie (another guest at the table) called Bishop and said,
"Dude, that guy was totally hitting on you. He was clearly waiting in the men's expecting you to follow him and hook up. It was crazy. He seemed totally perplexed when, thirty minutes later, he came back to find you and Pax gone."
Bishop said, "Was he really?"
"He was totally blatant - he had his hand on your knee for the entire dinner, man. I totally saw it."
"I thought he was just being chummy."
Chummy, eh, Bish? Is that what they're calling it these days??

Cats Suck

Once again I am stuck watching my friend's stoopid cats while she's on vacation. All I have to do is stop by a couple times and fill the water and food bowls. However, the one cat pisses me off to no end. I don't kill spiders or bugs in my house, but I am telling you, this cat wants me to strangle it. I went over the other day and it freakin' attacked my leg and hissed at me. I called him a fucking ungrateful half breed and told him to stay outta my fucking way or I'd boot him down the stairs. At work tonight I was complaining to Lolo about this and she said, "Can you lock him in a cage?" I told her the only cage I wanted to put that fuckin' cat in is the mouth of a snarling pit bull. I have to go back tonight and I'm bringing a water pistol filled with pepper spray.

My Name is Father Xmas and I'm an Alcoholic

After work last night I dashed over to Jane's place where she served mince pie and earl grey tea. (Earl Grey, hot, if you will.) My mum has been trying for decades to get me to drink tea and try some of my Nan's homemade mince pie. I would have none of it. But as a guest, I took the leap and good lord - what have I been thinking all these years? With my Irish blood how could I not love a good cuppa tay?
Being that Jane is from Lincoln, Lincolnshire, she schooled me on the British Christmas traditions, one such being that Santa is served sherry and mince pie on Christmas Eve. "He must be terribly disappointed when he arrived in America to find milk! I suppose when he is in England he's an alcoholic."

Colombian Ice Cream Man

Talking via Skype this morning with Marina, a god awful sound came screeching through her open door. "What in the fuck is that sound?" I ask. "Ugh," sighs Marina, "there's a man outside my window honking. It's so annoying. He's like the ice cream man except he sells this horrible drink. It's basically corn kernels in milk. It's revolting." Sounds it.

Santa

Conversation between Ella and her four year old daughter:
"Mommy, Santa's not real."
"How do you know?"
"I Googled it."

More Black Books

You have brought nothing but pain, penury, and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence.

-Dylan Moran, genius

Die, Mommie, Die! (honourable mention)

"It's the size of a Nathan's Hot Dog!!"