True Love

Last month I was hanging out with my two older brothers and of course, I brought over a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. Davy was upstairs getting one and as he came down the basement steps this is what he said:

I've never told anyone this, but I think about this story every single time I eat a donut. Freshman year, first day of school, it was bedlam. No one knew where to go and the halls were packed with confused pimple faced kids. I could not find my locker, but luckily I got one of the teachers to show me where it was. I walk up to it and written in Sharpie on my locker it said 'Davy makes out with donuts'. Not Dave, or Bill, or Mike, but Davy. 'Davy makes out with donuts'. I still can't believe it.

As for me, I have made out with many a donut and I've yet to be disappointed.

Revenge

Tuesday evening, December 7th 2004, Penny stopped into the Hellmouth for a visit on her way home from work. She wanted a warm treat for a cold night, so I whipped her up a 16 ounce Eggnog Latte. That's two shots of espresso and about 14 ounces of steamed eggnog. About forty minutes later a call came through to the café. Kenny picked it up and after about 40 seconds he doubled over laughing. Penny had said, "Tell Star to get rid of that nog - it's poison." Kenny asked, "Why, is it bad?" to which she replied, and I quote, "Let's put it this way, if Hitler came back as my toilet it would be truly unfair."
The next evening I emailed Penny to tell her how hilarious that line was and here is her reply:
I literally had to SPEED to my house and RUN into the bathroom. And that was only the first wave. It would be a true disservice if I didn't tell you to get rid of that stuff.
Yes, Hitler. i had to come up with some kind of measure of the gravity of the situation. Not just, 'Oh, it made my stomach hurt' or 'I was miscarrying Satan's baby'.
On the bright side I think I lost 15 lbs.
But today there is no more signs of poo-hell-itis. And if that drink turned me off eggnog forever, The Hellmouth will owe me retribution. I will have my revenge!!! KAHN!!!!!

Text Message from Fr. Michael

Okay so my newest client is a self-described "gay hater" and neo-nazi who wouldn't stop for a second if "my ex wife was being gang-raped by 100 men with AIDS." Such a joy this work is.....jesus wept!

You Said It

At the rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding, his friend and groomsman, Jim, got a little drunk and very out of control. Throwing around the f-bomb in front of my mom and generally just being loud as hell. His long suffering wife scolded him several times, but still he would not reel it in. I exchanged a knowing look with my brother, Wayne. He leaned over to explain to me, "Jimmy is like a forest fire - you can't put it out, you just have to try and contain it."

Melissa Speaks

"Why is it always middle-aged white men that are standing outside Women's Clinics and protesting against abortion? Your life is almost over - go home and relax."
Amen to that.

Email from Bishop

A dinner party, New Year's Eve 1994, at Star's posh house. Star has a few friends over for some light fare, booze, and merriment. Her friend Bishop is in rare form....

Bishop: I heard Faye Dunaway had her favorite dog made into a pair of boots. Well, that's nothing. Star had her second husband made into a small cagoule when he died.
Star: Don't be ridiculous, a cagoule? It was a small waist-ed evening jacket with Chanel buttons. And as in life he was a tight fit that never suited me well.

Oh how we do so love Absolutely Fabulous! This was without question, one of the funnniest damn emails I have ever received.

Danni's Rant

A few months after becoming single for the first time in several years, Danni went on a bit of a tear at the bar. She had not had much luck with the dates she'd been on and said to all who would listen, "What's wrong with me?? I mean, I'm pretty, I'm funny, I'm educated, I've got a great rack, and I'm sorry, but my vagina is beautiful." No surprise that the last comment made managed to turn a few heads.