Kids These Days...

Not terribly long ago I went to a family function at my parents' place. I walked in to see one of my younger cousins hanging solo in the front parlor watching "Shrek the Third." His little 9 year old self jumped up (i'm clearly considered the crazy one in the family due to the fact that i am still very much in tune with my inner child) and greeted me with a huge smile on his puss. We chatted and I noticed the film playing and said, "Y'know, the voice of the prince is done by none other than Justin Timberlake - JT!! - formerly of the pop music group *NSync." I figured this would impress him, instead he shook his head like an elderly grandfather and said, "You teenagers and your music."

Hangin' at Hawkins

So I was at my brothers' place (the three of 'em live together in a giant yellow house) and we got to reminiscin' and tellin' old stories. Dave told us about the time when we all lived back in Cornwells (just me & my older brothers - Xavier wasn't around back then.) Well, Little Davy was about six years old, riding his two-wheeler around the cul-de-sac as happy as can be. Then a car turned down our street and "I flipped out for some reason, seein' this car headin' towards me, and couldn't figure out which way to go. So I swerved sharp to the right and ran smack into the Century 21 sign outside Jimmy Elmore's. Yeah, those fuckin' metal signs from the 70s. KABLAM!! The fuckin' bike stopped but I crashed head first into the sign, crushing my bouillons in the process. Then, Wayne, man, your mom was walking and saw the whole damn thing. She tried so hard not to laugh when she heard that GONG! from my melon hittin' the sign." "She just stood there??" "Naw, of course not, man, she consoled me and all. But she was doin' that unmistakable 'tryin' not to laugh' laugh the whole time."
Ahhh...thems was the days.

Bill from Produce & His Keen Observation

"Looks like he combed his hair with a shoe."

Katherine Meets Bill

With the recent departure of David Carradine, his name was brought up at dinner with Mama Rose & Katherine the other night. Katie is a HUGE fan of horror conventions. She loves to mingle with celebrities, with the hoity toity & hoi polloi of society. She's met everyone from Gwar to Judah Friedlander (love of my life) to "Desperate Housewives" hunk Nathan Fillion. Well, she being fabulous and I being her fabulous pal, on each of these jaunts she will bring me back a little something. At one event she had bought a small pin for me. While chatting up David Carradine and showering him with the perfect compliments of his career, she placed the pin on the table. After shaking his hand and purchasing an autographed picture, Katie said her goodbyes and moved on. This is when Mr. Carradine exclaimed, "Wait, Miss, don't forget your pin." Kate scurried back to the table & said, "Oh thank you! I bought this for my friend. It says "WWWWhhhhoooore!" Katie actually yelled the word whore in David Carradine's face. Presumably caught off guard, he said nothing and so she then felt the need to explain at great length, "Well, she's a big "Soprano's" fan - and so am I. It's so good. - and we always pretend to be Joey Pants' character from I think the second season? No maybe the third... Anyway, we imitate him and say 'She was a wwwwhhhhoooore, TONY!' and it's like a running personal joke for her and I so when I saw this pin, I had to get it. Not because she's a real whore or anything. It's meant to be a joke." He gave her a smile and handed it over. Only Katie could shout 'whore' at someone and have them find it charming.

Vocabulary Lesson

"Hey Blaine, what's unctuous mean?"
-a bit of a pause....
"Like, can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yes. 'Jon Lovitz is unctuous.'"

Gettin' the Sex Scoop on Bill from Produce

"So, Bill, what's your magic number?"
"Like a hundred and eighty nine."
"Seriously??"
"Yeah. One eighty nine, give or take."
"wow...um, is that including oral?"
"Honey, that's including lickin' an engineer boot and gettin' pissed on."
"Oh, then that's not so bad."

Truth Is All Around

My friend Katherine is a sweetheart, but she's also a lousy housekeeper. Her home is a fire hazard at best and at times looks as though ready for demolition with a wrecking ball. Thankfully her father is not one to mince words and is always ready to give Katherine the reality check that she sometimes needs. His most recent comment was such: "Jesus, Kate. It looks like Fred Sanford's yard out here; only less organized." Mr. A. strikes again with that biting wit!

Words From a Disappointed Brit

A while back, the gals and I were at Laine's house sipping on Chardonnay and shootin' the breeze. Randy was talking about the book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" when our resident brit, Jane, became outraged at the desecration of one of the finest novels ever written. The only thing she could manage to say in this moment of disgust was "Good Lord, what next, I ask you? 'The Grapes of Wrath With the Faerie Dust Bowl'???" Somewhere, John Steinbeck is laughing. A lot.

Truth and Obsession from Rhonda

Back in the late 90s I worked with a woman named Rhonda. She was petite with enormous 1980s plastic glasses, Jewish, in her mid-40s and was a second mother to myself and many other co-workers. Always quick witted and adorable, it was about 5 months into our working together that she showed me an entirely different side of herself that bonded us for life. I was working in the backroom and playing Metallica's infamous Black Album. "Enter Sandman" came on and Rhonda glided into the stockroom with a glow about her. She walked up to me, grasped my hands as if she were about to tell me that a loved one had passed and said, "Oh my Lord. Dear, are you a Metallica fan?" I hesitated, thinking the next thing she would say would be to chastise me for listening to the devil's music. I responded yes and she closed her eyes in a near overwhelming sense of pride and told me of her love of lead singer and rhythm guitarist, James Hetfield. She then stated slowly and as if in a deep state of ecstasy, "You just know that with every note he plays that that guitar is bangin' up against his big cock." Everything following that statement is not quite appropriate for a blog that is not centered around sex and pornography.