A Gem from Jon Stewart

"Condoleezza Rice, elegantly attired in the skin of an old Barcalounger." -from an old ep of The Daily Show.

Star's New Word

Those who know me are aware that back in 2001 I coined the term "peepod." Example: "Be right back, I gotta hit the ladies and peepod before I self-destruct." Or, "May I use your peepod?" Basically if you hear anyone use this phrasing, chances are they know me.

Bishop's favourite was one that I came up with last year. It's a slight twist on the new version of ridiculous, which is ridonkulous. Here is an example of mine: "So, that Indiana Jones IV? Yeah, it was ridackulous." I define it as being absurd beyond the realm of human comprehension.

So, the other day I was at my parents' place and needed to peepod. I went into the downstairs powder room and when I looked at the seat I saw what can only be referred to as follows. Okay, so, you know - and I apologize for getting a bit graphic - alright, so y'know when you take a shit and find yourself wiping several times to remove said fecal matter from your bottom? After a while, the TP begins to shred a bit against the er, anal shrubbery, if you will, and leaves little poo covered pieces of Cottonelle on the back of the seat. I declare them to be known from this day forth as Ass Brumbles. Or, if you are speaking to children, I recommend the more polite, Bum Brumbles. Bishop says I oughta add it to Urban Dictionary. Whaddya think??

Gross Comments from An Expectant Mother

Back when I worked at The Pier, my manager was a cold and irrational woman named Clare. She was a rather husky gal, conceived by what I can only assume were two Grizzly bears. One evening while working alongside both Melissa and myself, Clare pointed out that she was feeling nervous about the upcoming delivery. She went so far as to inform us that not only her husband, but also her previous lover had remarked about how tight she was - down there. After throwing up a bit in our mouths, we then managed to continue working with her for the remainder of the evening. Come the next day however, we could no longer contain ourselves and proceeded to tell all of our other coworkers what Beast had said. Every single one of them gasped aloud and wore a horrified look whose equal I've yet to see again. Kent broke through the silence when he shouted, "Tight? Who is she kidding. She could birth Idaho through those hips!!" In truth, she really could.

CSI: New Jersey

Back when I lived at home, my first car was parked in the street and sadly, was the victim of a hit and run. The next morning my mother, my little brother, Xavier(who was about fifteen then), and I were out by the curb, surveying the damages. Xave said, "Hey, looks like a Cougar hit ya, Sis." Mama Rose furrowed her brow and scowled, "Oh, stop it, what are you even talking about?" Xavier matches her confusion and replies, "No, Ma, a Cougar, a Mercury Cougar, the car. Not a freakin' mountain lion." A proud gasp escaped Rose's lips as she exclaimed, "Oh my word! Can you tell that from the skid marks??" "Uh, no, Ma, the ornament from the grill is right there. That's Mercury's Cougar." "Oh. Well, that is still very observant of you, son." "Thanks, Mom. I do what I can."

Happy Bday Nana Irma!

In honor of the family matriarch's 88th year, I want to share a favourite story of my Nana and how she dispensed her wisdom with total honesty. A handful of years ago, Nana had to pick up my cousin at high school and when she arrived, Nana found Hope with a group of friends, both male and female. There was Hope, front and center, kneeling down in front of one of the boys. Nana rolled down the window of the Caddy, snapped her fingers and ordered Hope to immediately get in the car. Once inside, she could sense Nana's disappointment. "Hope, I am appalled. You never kneel in front of someone unless they're a statue!"

Californication

Being a gal of very small means who cannot afford television, I am very much behind on my favourite TV shows. I finally caught up with Hank and the gang out in LA and this line from Marcy Runkle in season 2 had me in tears:
"Your hair is so gorgeous I wanna chop it off and sleep in it."

Heidi Fleiss

"If Patti Smith & Karen Carpenter had a baby and then peed on it." - Mike from Frozen
Now granted this comment came well after Ms. Fleiss' fifteen minutes were up, but I totally agree with Mike's theory of how she came to be.