Sex Ed

I've no clue how this conversation came about, but one Thursday night Fr. Michael & I were throwin' around the sex talk and we stumbled onto masturbation. In his most serious of tones he stated that his discovery of masturbation was, "In all honesty it really was like a caveman discovering fire. It made me question why I would participate in any other activity."

Laine Tells It Like It Is

Describing my parent's bedroom growing up, I mentioned that it was a huge room with only a few pieces of furniture and a crucifix nailed to the wall above the bed's headboard. Laine blandly offered, "I wouldn't wanna screw under that." Me neither, honey.

Crank

Bishop and I were discussing this cinematic gem (read extreme sarcasm) and Bishop decided that he would not take a penny less than 2.5 million dollars to have to sit through it. I said that I couldn't imagine a number that would be sufficient. That I would rather continue to struggle financially for the rest of my life. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to describe the experience of having to view this "film" is as follows: it is akin to an extremely drawn out and painful bowel movement when you've got a case of hemorrhoids so bad that medical science has not seen it's equal. Oh, and the toilet is in a clown house. Therein lies the absurdity.

That Screamin' Eagle Couch

I showed this picture to Bill from produce and he remarked, "Now that's a handsome davenport." Isn't it though?

Uncle Al on His Kids

Nana was on the phone with Uncle Al the other day and telling him of a crazy ordeal that her friend was having with her children and their on-going feud with one another. Alan summed up his feelings on the matter with, "My kids ever get like that, I'm gonna put 'em to sleep."

Sandwich Wars - Wayne vs. Xavier

Hanging out at my brothers' house, I was in the kitchen with my two older brothers, Dave and Wayne. Wayne was telling us about our little brother being a bastard the other day, "I was eatin' a tuna fish sandwich the other day and Xave called me a sissy. And he was eating a pb&j sandwich! That's the national sandwich of 5 year olds everywhere and I'm a sissy?"

Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

"It's the most important thing in the world, this dress. If you don't care about this dress, you're on your way to not caring about humanity." - Robert Culp as Bob

Mikado's Music

A while back Fr. Michael and I were at Princess Brooklyn's Bday Bash at Mikado. The music was less than stellar and at one point Michael said, "This music makes me want to kill myself. This music makes me feel as though I worked in the shoe department at Bradlee's. And it's one o'clock in the afternoon just after lunch on a Monday in August. And I'm forty-two."

Laine Knocks Me Out

On Wednesday, Laine and I were in Philly on Arch driving beside an elderly gent in a Crown Vic the size of the Queen Mary. Clearly that baby was too much for him to handle cause he was lookin' to cut in on my side. Laine shouts out, "Look at this turd." and I lost it. I mean, who says turd outside of the third grade??

Then we pulled into our spot at the parking garage and saw another elderly gentleman across the way. He somehow managed to cram his Lexus into a spot barely big enough for a Fiat Cinquecento. I whispered to Laine, "Man, and I thought I got us into a tight spot, damn, lookit that guy over dare." To which she replied, "He hasn't had it that tight in fifty years." I betchya she's right on that count.

Hey, I Actually Said Something Funny

Me: "Ohmigod, guess who's finally out?"
Bishop: "I dunno, who?"
Me: "Gary!!"
Bishop: "Good for him, but I think we all knew he was gay."
Me: "Honey, Johnny Cash knew Gary was gay, and he's been dead for years."
(i thought it was pretty funny...)

Illuminating

Thursday with Michael, I was discussing how I once worked as a reviewer for an online candle company blog. I explained that towards the end it became increasingly difficult to find new ways to describe the product. I mean, how many times can you say aroma, fragrant, intoxicating, before you want to tear your own eyes from their sockets? This is when Michael mentioned starting a blog for a new online candle place - candlesfromcamden.com. The reviews on that page, Michael offered, would be short and to the point. They would read as such: "Shiiiit. Dis candle smells good as hell, niggee." I actually prefer that version because it contains the least amount of bullshit. Not that my reviews are bullshit, I am very honest, it's just that my thesaurus needs to create more options for scent and delicious because I've worn those two out within an inch of their lives.
(it should be noted that michael has not only been a resident of camden, but has worked in the city and with its people for close to a decade. i wanted it to be known that his comment came from a place of love and adoration, not prejudice and cruelty.)

Christian Lisa

At the Hellmouth I worked with a gal who was a devout born again named Lisa. There being more than one Lisa at said Hellmouth, she then became known as Christian Lisa. Please keep in mind that I said she was born again, so she at one point led a totally different lifestyle. Anyway, Dave was in the break room with her one evening when Christian Lisa decided to vent a little too much. Dave was a hell of a great guy and just gorgeous. He looked a lot like Donal Logue and he was kind, well-mannered, and completely hilarious. He was also, at that point anyway, in a very committed relationship with a gal he deeply loved (although I often wondered why, or how). This all being said, Christian Lisa was feeling something quite common, but rarely discussed in the workplace, and that is sexual frustration. She said to Dave, and I quote, "I need to get fucked. I need to get fucked nasty." This was the point where Dave left the back room, came over to me in the café and damn near ordered me to take Christian Lisa outside for a cigarette break and not return until she was back to her old self. Dave just couldn't deal with Lisa's crazy bluntness. So I was the one who had to hear about her ex-bf who had a cock like Dillinger and a face like Harrison Ford in American Graffiti. The good Lord wanted her to see the light and follow His path, but she claimed it was more than she could handle on that given day. The question I still ponder is why would you leave a man with a face like Harrison Ford and a cock like Dillinger who could fuck you six ways to Sunday? Put it up there with the Tootsie Pop conundrum, I guess.

Gem It Up, Bish

Hanging out with Bishop the other day a commercial came on that featured several highfalutin salons using a hidden shampoo. All of the stylists raved about the shampoo and then it was revealed to be, gasp!, Suave. Bishop and I snorted back our laughter and Bish shouted, "Oh yeah, right. Please! You mid as well wash your hair with Tide!!!"

Princess Brooklyn's Desires

In 2003 Todd Oldham was designing a furniture line and when The Princess saw the funky pieces he'd done she sighed, "Damn...I want that La-Z-Boy..." Whatever. I thought it was hilarious.

Don't Hold Back...

Years ago during my tour at the Hellmouth, I was in the café chatting with Fink, when our resident Brit, Jane, came over the loudspeaker with, "Back Up to the registers, please. May I have Back Up to the registers. Thank you." Fink, aka Back Up, rolled his eyes and said, "Just like the British to call in for back up." This of course was said purely in jest, since Jane was one of the sweetest gals at the Hellmouth. I laughed like the dickens, though.

Bill From Produce Makes an Observation

One day Bill was telling me of a customer who he was helping out in produce who was apparently "as gay as Elton John's handbag." That's pretty gay.