Silly Jokey

A pirate walks into a bar with the helm of a ship in his trousers. Barkeep asks, "What's that in yer pants?" Pirate answers, "I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Enjoy the giggle. It's on me.

Bette Davis Eyes

When Amy and I were kids her dad was driving us around when "Bette Davis Eyes" came on. Her father groaned, "Ughhh, is this Rod Stewart?" Amy's mother said, "No, it's Kim Carnes!" "Oh," he replied, "I like it."

Close Call

Relaxing in the kitchen at Hawkins today, Xavier was transferring credit cards and what not from his old wallet to his new one. Oh, forgive me, I left out what the wallet is. It's a reproduction of the Bad Mother Fucker wallet that Sam Jackson had in Pulp Fiction. Anyway, he offered me his old BMF wallet which I kindly refused. I mean I'm butch, but c'mon; I am still a girl. My wallet is purple with a Paul Frank bear on it, thank you very much. Xavier then turned to Wayne and asked if he'd like it since the one Wayne currently owns isn't embroidered. Wayne became mildly offended and stated, "Yeah it is! It's fucking embroidered. What are you implying?"

Looking at Wayne's old wallet I noticed that it had a phony copy of the character's driver's license that came with it. Wayne said, "Oh my god, did I ever tell youse guys that one night I got pulled over on the Commodore Barry and accidentally went to hand the cop that license instead of mine? Luckily I caught it before it was too late. Could you imagine if I had handed over Jules Winfield's driver's license? Cuz I'm definitely not a six foot tall black man." Well thank you for that clarification, Wayne dear.

Priceless

In the back room one afternoon, I was chatting with Rachael Lewis, descendent of one Fielding Lewis, and she was as always, in a spectacular mood. I made reference to her seemingling infinite amount of joy and she replied, "Me and the J man, on the weekends, we boot up happiness and sunshine and we freebase goodwill toward man." Well, holler if ya hear me, y'all.

Naughty w/Occasional Niceness

Not known for my keen wit, I have a tendency to make what I believe are humorous comments that my audience either does not understand or finds totally unfunny. An example of this would be from a handful of years ago when I worked with a Developmentally Disabled woman in North Jersey who was known as the sweetest thing since huckleberry pie. Her name? Joy. Well, one summer afternoon we had to have everyone connected with her case over to the house. Case workers, case manager, staff members, et cetera. When they all arrived, Joy was freaking out a little because there were just too many people in one small space. Her coping mechanism? To ask, "Lisa, dya have a cigarette?" This question was followed by total silence. However, I know that she liked standing outside with me when I had a smoke, so off we went. Afterwards, Joy calmed down and we went in to the meeting. Once things got started Phil, her case manager wanted to know who the new senior was and one of the other case workers said, "The one with purple hair. Her name is Lisa Starberg." Huh?? "I corrected her and said, "Actually it's Lisa Star. I'm Irish, not Jewish. An Irish-Jew, imagine that. Not only will I blow up your car, but I'll bitch about the price of C-4 while I'm at it." More stunned silence. Fortunately Maureen and Joy busted out laughing because they were the only Jews present. The rest of the room was just a bunch of tight asses who couldn't squeeze a laugh out of a bag o' Chuckles candy.

ADD? Me? Pshaw!

Going thru boxes in the attic of my parents' home, my mother and I stumbled across a gold mine of childhood paintings and letters. This apology note shows that my Attention Deficit Disorder was in full swing at a very early age. See fer yerself:

Hilarity In Specialty

One day I was cleaning the bulk bins out in the sinks over in the specialty section. Joe Beard was working and out of literally nowhere while restocking the brie, he informs me, "I think I saw a small Scandinavian man in my turd the other day. I don't know what he was doing there..."

Dean Martin on the Hi-Fi

While working with my boss last week, we were relaxing to the swingin' sounds of Dean Martin's A Kick in the Head. Heart asks me, "Is this Frank Sinatra?" and when I told her it was Dean she replied, "Oh well, right pack, wrong rat." Whatever, I thought it was cute.

Blaine's Porn Star Name

"Jack Turgidly. Not only am I a porn star, I'm also an adverb."

Wow

My cousin Ryan was telling of how last week at a particularly dangerous intersection he came upon a bad accident only moments after it occurred. "So as I pulled up," he explained, "I could see that a guy on a bike had gotten hit by a car and was actually still lying underneath it......on his cell phone." I don't know if he was completing the call or placing one, but that image has been cracking me up for days. If he was continuing the call, than his dedication was remarkable, albeit stupid as hell.

Seven Strikes Again

One evening outside the Hellmouth, a handful of us were smoking and chatting and I asked everyone what they would have been named had they been the opposite sex. (I would have been called Michael Thomas). Seven said he didn't know but spoke of the debate between his parents before settling on Seven. "Yeah, my father wanted to name me Fritz. Fritz Bauer. Sounds like an SS officer. My mother liked Blake. Blake Bauer. I would have been destined for a career in the adult film industry with that name. Sadly though, I am Korean from the waist down." Be that as it may, it needs to be stated that Seven never had any difficulty woo-ing the ladies.