Hilarity in the Kitch

My brother, Dave, was describing the Jack Daniels Chicken Cheese Steak he had the other day to me and our brother Wayne. He said, "It was fuckin' scrumptious."
I told this to Marina and after laughing her ass off, she motioned with her left hand and said, "Hardcore," then motioned with her right hand, "I'm a pansy," clapped them together and said, "Let's meet in the middle. Seriously, it's like saying something is 'god damn delightful'. Who says that?" Only in our family, man.

Difference of Opinion

Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend Noelle from the neighborhood. I was helping her put stuff in the back of her parents' mini-van (she's ten) when I noticed two blankets, one Hello Kitty and one Dora the Explorer. I knew that the HK one was Noelle's sister, Rebecca's, so I said, "Oh, cool, you've got a Dora blankey!"
"Yeah...I really wanted a Hello Kitty one..."
"You don't like Dora?!"
"No."
"What about Diego?"
"They're the same thing."
"Nuh-uh. I like Diego. I think he's hawt. I wanna kiss him."
Then Noelle got a horrified look on her face and said, "Ew...he's a preschooler!"
It's worth Noelle and Rebecca thinking I'm the weirdest girl on the block just to see their reaction to my crazy comments.

Put 'em Up

Tonight at dinner Amy and I were swapping random stories and thoughts. Somehow we got on the topic of bank robberies and I told her that should she ever be in a situation where a gun is held to her head, she should give as many details about her personal life as possible to the gunman. This is because it will hopefully allow the armed psycho to see that she is a person with a husband and a family and not just a random face in the crowd who is disposable. (thank you grey's anatomy for this info) Amy got all Clint Eastwood and pointing at me as though I were the gunman, yelled, "I'm a blood donor, god damn it!" You tell 'im, honey!

Gigi's Favourite Line

Gigi at work loves to say this in a sarcastic, exasperated tone, and it always cracks me up, "I haven't had this much fun since John died." She later explained that a friend of hers used to say it and that neither of them have any clue who John is or was.

Fear on the Porch

Melissa lives with her friend, Marci, and Marci's two daughters, Carla, ten, and Darlene, nine years. The other night their father was dropping them off after nightfall while Melissa and Marci were relaxing on the sofa. All of a sudden they hear screams from outside and then both girls' voices hollering, "POSSUM!! POSSUUUUUUUUMMMMM!!!" Then the screen door flings open and you could hear them frantically twisting the locked doorknob. Carla starts banging her fist on the door as Darlene started kicking it until she had finally had enough and screamed, "Open the FUCKING door!!!" Marci then ran to the door to chastise Darlene as Melis was doubled over on the couch.

Laine's Had Enough

Store meetings at The Hellmouth usually consist of boring shit that either no one hears or we already knew to begin with. At one of these meetings, the GM was saying that with each sale made the cashier needs to mention whatever book is being pushed for that month as well as recommending something similar to their purchase. (Sidebar - Blaine is famous for suggesting Charles Dickens' David Copperfield for everything. Example: "Ma'am, would you like a copy of David Copperfield with your Lindor Truffle?") Anyway...at the meeting the GM went on and on about what suggestions should be made and so on and so forth until Laine had heard enough and blurted out, "What next? Do we ask if they want a blow job with their Oprah book selection?" Daaaammmmmn! Laine is a gal who does not hold back.

Shadowlands

In September of '94 while watching this film I asked my father why the Brits were celebrating with fireworks in a very 4th of July sort of way. He responded,"They're celebrating the day the King shit a golden brick."

He's So Hawt.... (used to be, that is)

Last night Marina and I went to Hawkins to hang with my brothers Xave & Wayne. We arrived during The Ride of the Valkyries scene in Apocalypse Now. Marina had never watched the movie and so I was telling her that the young men she saw were none other than Martin Sheen ("What? You mean that's not Emilio Estevez???"), Larry Fishburne, and Robert Duvall. As Duvall walks across the sandy beach, Marina says, "Mmm...he's hoootttt. I would so climb on top of that..." Well, don't hold back, sweetie. (Sadly, Duvall grew into a cantankerous old coot that turns my stomach.)

Slip & Slide

In my life I have achieved very little. However, I am proud to say that I have actually slipped on a banana peel. I shall repeat, I have seriously slipped on a banana peel - like in cartoons and vaudeville. This occurred a mere four days after I had declared to friends that seeing someone slip on a banana peel isn't funny, it's ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. I mean, how could someone not see a banana peel??? So, I was in the back room during my Aisle days when I saw a banana peel lying in the center of the floor. I chuckled and thought, "See, I was right cuz there it is and I didn't slip on it." I kicked it under the Penco shelving and went about my business. Not fifteen minutes go by and I'm walking with my boss beside those very same Penco shelves when, WHOOPS!, my heel hits the naner and I would have damn near busted my ass on the floor if Bob hadn't caught me at the last second. I then shouted, "I can't believe that just fuckin' happened! I totally slipped on a banana peel! I am Groucho freakin' Marx!" One of my proudest days...

Fr. Michael Gets Mildly Nasty

Michael and I had met nearly twelve years ago, but didn't become close until three years later. One thing Michael loves to do is reminisce; Thursday night we were looking through old photographs and came upon a picture of a gal we once worked with. She was nice enough but she wasn't overly friendly or easy to chat with, plus she didn't smoke, so that bonding session never occurred. Anyway, Michael saw her picture and said, "Whew. Remember her? She was a healthy girl..."

Some People

At work the other day, I pulled in next to a pickup truck that had a pair of dark blue testicles dangling from the undercarriage. I absolutely detest this. The only thing worse than driving behind a truck displaying a pair of phony balls is driving behind a truck with the rotting corpse of a deer hanging off it. Anyhow, I head into work and discover that the owner of said truck is none other than my boss' ex-husband. (If it wasn't a slur against decent southerners, I'd call him a redneck, but...) So, I see MacGillicudy and after listening to him ramble on for fifteen minutes about whatever bullshit he was spewing, I asked if that was his pickup in the lot. He said yeah and when I made mention of the testicles he got a big goofy grin on his face and gave a hearty, prideful chuckle. I chuckled right back and said, "Huh, I guess you aren't aware of the other meaning." He stopped laughing and asked what I meant. So just to fuck with him I said, "Oh well, y'know. In the gay community, that signifies that you're a bottom." Long, dead silence. One of the women I work with said, "What's a 'bottom'?" I informed them, "A bottom, y'know, a catcher...the one who takes it from behind..." MacGillicudy then made a quick exit. Fuckin' jackass. Maybe he'll take that shit down offa his truck for good.

Repairs Required

Apparently not long ago there was a piece on the local news about a bunny found severely injured in the woods Two Towns From Utopia. They had to do massive re-constructive surgery on its face, but he was gonna be just fine. Marina remarked, "If the township can fix that thing's face, they should be able to fix the roads." 'Should' is most definitely the operative word in that sentence.

Preach!

Text message conversation last night between myself and Xavier:

"Have you been hearing the madness that is Mel Gibson?"
"Yeah. He's a dick. It's a good thing he's already rich because I doubt he'll be working too much more."

"It's such a shame and an embarrassment. It's sad when people with potential for goodness fall so short. I mean, way to flush your talent and career down the shitter."
"That's what ya get for hating on God's chosen people."

Fr. Michael Gets Disrespected

Fr. Michael had a rather unpleasant experience at the local Whole Foods Market. He accidentally went in through the out door and stepped aside to let an older gentleman pass. Michael smiled politely and greeted him with a cheery "Hello." The gentleman kept on walking without replying or even noticing Michael. He told me, "Liza, he looked right through me as if I wasn't even there. Like it was the fucking slave trade and I was Kunta Kinte. He was so rude!"

The $10,000 Aisle

When I worked the aisles, one thing that customers would do that I absolutely detested was when they would walk up to me and say what they were looking for. No "hello", no "excuse me" or "where can I find", they just come right up and blurt out "spaghetti" and I'm supposed to know what they want. I always wanted to turn to them and say, "Things-in-a-restaurant, things-you-eat, things-Nana-makes-for-dinner, things-you-find-in-a-cupboard!!" But alas, the opportunity never arose...

Rita's New Flavor

Directly next to Rita's Water Ice on the Bristol Pike is the Woodhaven Greenery. Driving past there Marina let out a groan that was immediately followed by a bolt of laughter. The Greenery had a sign that said "Special - Black Mulch" and for a flicker of an instant she though the sign was advertising a new flavor of Rita's water ice. Marina said, "I read that and was like, 'Jesus, I thought Marshmallow Peeps was a stretch as a flavor, but black mulch??' Too funny."

The Russian

After five freakin' years, my boss finally got around to fixing the bay door at the warehouse. The man who came to repair it was a charming Russian with a contagious carefree attitude. I was packing boxes and jammin' out to Marc Anthony's Contra la Corriente but overheard him asking Heart why it took five years to call someone out to fix the door. She got called away to the phone and was not able to answer him. A couple hours later as he was finishing up, he turned to Heart and said, "Now I see why it has taken five years to fix this." Heart, I could tell, immediately went on the defensive, but the Russian continued to explain himself, "The smells are good here, everyone is happy, there is good music. Everything is nice. There is no reason to worry about silly broken doors." Totally charming.

What About Bob?

"Is this hand shucked?"
Best Bill Murray line ever. It's impossible for me to be offered corn without asking this question.

Marina's Favourite Word

One thing Marina and I have in common is our love of a good rant. Last month Marina went off on a tear about men referring to women as cunts. She said, "Oh, I'm sorry, my 'cunt' didn't seem to bother you last night when we were fucking or when I gave birth to your child. I mean, just say asshole, everybody's got one. It's gender unbiased. It's gender neutral." Amen, sister.

Jared's Gettin' Pissed

A handful of July 4ths ago, Jared and I were stuck working, rather than attending a family cookout. We had actually been looking forward to it because we figured it'd be dead and we could relax and chill together. That was so not the case. The freakin' café was jam packed and we never saw a moment's peace. In our anger and disappointment, Jared turned to me and said, "Look at these unpatriotic commie bastards. These fuckers oughta be out at a barbecue with their families celebrating their freedom and independence, but no, they come here in droves like, like..." "Like fucking lemmings," I added. Jared pointed right at me and said, "Yer goddamn right. Like fucking lemmings."

Hostile much?

A few years back I was at my parents' and Mama was remarking that my father was overdue for a haircut. She offered her services, once again, to break out the shears and trim him up. He said no thank you, but she persisted and went on and on about how it's so simple and how she's cut the boys' hair and it would only take two seconds. Still he stood his ground and said that he would set up an appointment for this week. Unable to accept defeat, Mum pleaded and reminded him that there was no reason why he should pay someone to cut his hair when she was quite capable of carrying out the task herself. That apparently was the last straw because my father finally exploded and yelled, "What can I say! I'm gay for the barber! Now leave me alone about the damn haircut already!"

Down and Dirty

Somehow while hanging in the bulk closet during my aisle days, the topic of KY products came up in a discussion btwn myself, Princess Brooklyn, and Gurt. At one point Princess meant to say KY warming jelly but said KY Mouthwash. We chuckled at the thought and then she went into her advertising voice, "KY Mouthwash, for people who spit and don't like the taste." KY, get crackin' on that.