Insanity

Melissa called me the other day to tell me that her friend, Mandy - who we used to go clubbing with back in the day - called her in a manic moment saying that she would keep the child that she was pregnant with and wanted to know if Melissa and Alan would throw her a baby shower. Alan is Mandy's husband. Mandy is not pregnant with Alan's child. Alan is aware of this. Mandy is leaving to move to South America in a few months to be with the child's father. Oh, and she wanted to see if they could have the shower in Bill's backyard. Yeah...Bill is Melissa's ex who she no longer lives with and who was never fond of Mandy and Alan to begin with. Clearly if there is a God she will not carry to term. I'm shocked she managed to conceive in the first place seeing as she is heavily using prescription medication. Oh, and she met the father online and got pregnant cuz her period had just ended so she didn't think she could get pregnant. Apparently Mandy was absent that day in junior high when the sex ed teacher explained that a female can get pregnant anytime - before, during, and after her cycle. Good lord...I told Melis that my advice is to blow her off. Mandy is clearly no longer operating out of her right mind.

The Truth Hurts

Bishop and I were hanging out and the news came on with a story about women being bamboozled through online dating sites. They said that many women between the ages of 40 and 55 who are seeking relationships online seem to be more susceptible to scams. One psychiatrist said that it was because women of that age tend to fall in love easier than younger women. I found this statement to be so absurd that I couldn't help but blurt out, "Please. Just call it what it is: Desperation."

Birthday Hell

Fr. Michael was telling me that his boyfriend, E, decided one evening to announce his birthday plans: "I was thinkin' that for my birthday I'm gonna get like a party bus to take me and like twelve friends to a bunch a different bars. It's 800 bucks. We can afford it if we ask everyone to pay for it." Michael's response? "Star, can you believe this shit? I mean, have I adopted a thirty year old child? I need to be gettin' some money from the damn state for raising this fool, cause this shit is ridiculous." It needs to be stated that E expects the guests to chip in for the bus as well as buy him a gift or gifts and pay for drinks at every bar. Kids these days...

Dear Iggy Pop,

(photo by Annie Leibowitz kidnapped from hollywoodtoday)

It's official, you've hit the big time. My 89 year old grandmother actually said to me the other day, "Dear, I am in love with that Iggy...Iggy Pop is it? Well, that John Barry song that he sings, We Have All the Time in the World, that you copied for me, I simply adore it. That young man has such a unique and lovely voice!"

LBJ

My BFF's father, Mark, was a constant source of humour in our childhood. We were reminiscing the other night about the time Amy's brother, and his friend, Carl, were over. Carl saw that Amy was reading a book about LBJ and asked, "Hey, Amy, what's that book about?" Mark turned down his newspaper and said, "You mean to tell me that you don't know who Lyndon BAINES Johnson is???" Carl replied in all seriousness, "Is she a tennis player?" Mark just grumbled under his breath and went back to his paper.

I Am Sawyer

I have a knack for giving nicknames to co-workers and regulars. The inspiration for all of this came from Cerpts, who I believe is responsible for giving Grey Haired Skank her name. Until I knew this I referred to her as Flintstone Feet. Here are some of my gems:

Hamburger Face

Sassy Britches

Footface

Hot Flash

Sexy Sleeves

Mr. Shit

Skullet Rob

Tapeworm

Starchy Pants

Clipboard

Mr. & Mrs. Mocha