Marina's Faux Pas

Driving down 561 a few years ago, a fox lept out in front of my little Saturn and then quick dashed back into the thicket. The conversation between myself and my beloved cousin is as follows,

"Jesus freakin' Christ Almighty, I nearly ran that fucking fox down."

"(enormous laughter) A fox? Um, that was a chihuahua, honey. 'A fox.' You are too much."

I think: "Whhhaaaaat?? That was so a fox, is she on crack again??"

Mr. Schnell

Back at the Hellmouth, there was a fabulous old coot who had a colourful way of describing the customers. Specifically it was the ones that wanted to purchase only the newest fad book, like the Oprah book club books or The DaVinci Code. As if heaven forbid they should veer out on their own and choose a selection that spoke to them. These people, as Schnell pointed out to me, were fucking lemmings who were "as useless as fucking clown shoes." And what could be more useless than clown shoes?
It should be noted that Schnell could never, ever pass up a sale of any kind. A week after Halloween one year he was in Rite Aid and cleaned them out of monster slammer stuffed animal heads. They went down to 90% off and it's how I acquired my Frankenstein and Wolfman slammers. Thanks again, Schnell!

Marina Refuses to Hold Back

A handful of years ago, my cousin Marina was visiting her mother's side of the family in Philly. When the night came to a close, she went to drive her grandfather home - in his car. When they approached the front of his city row home, there was a neighbor's gi-wombus pickup parked in Marina's grandad's spot. The spot that is clearly marked with two handicapped parking signs. Marina double parked, threw on her hazards and went a-knockin' on the bastard's door. He was home but refused to answer the door. Marina called the cops, helped her grandfather to his house and left this on a note pinned to the thief's windshield:
"To park in the handicapped spot of an eighty-two year old man who recently had hip replacement surgery is despicable."
I hope he read that note the next day and felt two decades worth of remorse and pain all in one instant. However, it was Port Richmond, so the chances he could read were slim at that.

Cuteness From Blaine

Back when I worked the café at the Hellmouth, I would often times sneak over to the cage in the music department. Once while back there hanging out with Blaine the Music God, I noticed a giant rubbermaid trashcan with a lid and a vacuum hose attached. I inquired and he said it was used to get the packing peanuts out of incoming orders and save them for future shipments. Being a child of five years old, I became ecstatic and clasping my hands together in glee asked, "Next time will you page me so I can come and use the peanut vacuum? Pretty please??" Blaine, being the most hilarious and adorable man to ever exist responded, "Sure. You can suck my nuts anytime." Only he could deliver a line so crass, but make it sound terribly endearing.

In Honour of Her Bday...

Today is Princess Brooklyn's birthday, so I was reminded of one of her cutest musings. Back in 2003 we were on the AIDSwalk and on West River Drive we witnessed a dog defecating on the side of the road. Brooklyn immediately turned her head away in disgust and shouted, "UGH! I hate dogs that do that!"

Wisdom from Fr. Michael

"Attractive gay men don't have gas."

Dated Humour

I recently found a print out of an email from my favourite uncle on my mother's side. It was sent to my brother Dave on January 8th 1997 just before Davy was to leave for Canada. At that time, he and Uncle John were big into cigar smoking so Davy wanted to inquire as to whether or not he should try to bring back some Cuban cigars. I found the email to be hilarious then as well as now. See for yourself:

Subject: Cubans Crossing Canadian Border

Don't do it. Inside sources tell me you'll never make it. The Royal Mounties take border banditos very serious. In other words, the likelihood of success is on par with winning the million dollar lottery, or Liz Taylor remaining single for more than a week, or Arnold Swazzennagger being cast as Pee-wee Herman in the movie biography, "Pee Wee, Leave That Alone."

Family Time

A few months back I was hangin' out at my parents' place with the fam. Dave was crashed out on the sofa, me Da was channel surfing, Xavier was face down on the family room floor, and me & Mama were sittin' in the kitchen chattin' away. Suddenly the surfing stalls on "Out of Africa." My mother, being a heterosexual female of a certain age, has a deep adoration for Robert Redford so no one was surprised when she let out a gasp as his gorgeous puss crossed the screen. "Ooo-Ooo!! Honey, leave it just for a sec. Mmm...I love this scene. Tom, now how come you've never washing my hair like that??" Dave replied, "Yeah, keep dreamin' Ma." Then from out of nowhere, Xave, who we all assumed was passed out cold, says, "Uh-huh, 'Out of Africa' starring zero black people. Should be called 'Out of South Africa.'" Well, thank you, Paul Mooney.

We ♥ Fr. Michael

When I was workin' the café one lovely Monday evening, I was chatting with Franny from the bookstore side when Fr. Michael strolled on in and up to the counter. He greeted us with his usual charm but then paused when he noticed, then inquired about a certain bruise on Franny's neck. She laughed, blushed a bit, and explained, "Oh, my boyfriend and I had too much to drink last night and we got a little crazy." Fr. Michael raised his eyebrows and stated, "Well, that's what I call makin' good use of the Lord's day."