Hilarious Quote

Roseanne on life after Tom Arnold: "I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow." Ouch.

Silly Jokey Number Two

A few years back Sleeves told me this joke at the bar:
"How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"Uh...I dunno. How many?"
"Hey! Wanna go ride bikes???"

Frozen Mike Speaks Out

Working with Mike in Frozen was always a hoot. One Thursday afternoon he was helping an attractive female customer and was actually chatting her up a bit. Very Un-Frozen Mike, since he was usually quite silent and reserved. A few minutes later he came over to me and still looking back at her stated, "I'm better looking than her boyfriend." I glanced over at her and noticed that she was walking off with a guy. Mike continued, "She should be with me. But he's tall. Stocky boys like me don't get love. Not since the thirties."

Disturbing

Visiting a friend at a nursing home out in Rosemont, I was disturbed when I saw this sign hanging by the entrance - the employee entrance.

How many people had to bring in handguns before they felt the need for this sign? And where would one purchase such a sign? I'm baffled, and frankly, quite tempted to smuggle in my Beretta 90two.

Reflecting

Sifting through my memory bank today, I remembered one time when Xave and I were alone at the parents' house and got to rootin' around the cupboards lookin' for snacks. In the skinny cabinet next to the fridge on the top shelf we saw a rectangular white box that could only have come from a chocolate shop. That's when Mister six foot one reached up, brought it down, opened the box and we saw its lovely contents - a single row of at least thirty dark chocolate covered pretzels. Xavier and I looked up into each other's eyes with glee at our discovery. We knew we'd get in a shitload of trouble for eating Mum's goodies, but we didn't care. That's when Xavier said, "Jesus, lookit that, it's like a Rambo clip of fuckin' chocolate covered pretzels." Dude, it so was.

Practical Joke Gone Awry

When Wayne was in 4th grade, he wanted to play a practical joke on his teacher, Mrs. Baba. When she left the room, Wayne put a whoopie cushion on her chair and when she came back in she didn't see it, sat down and presto! the classroom erupted into raucous laughter. Naturally, Mrs. Baba was incredibly displeased. As she stood up and removed the whoopie cushion she called Wayne to the front of the class. He was shocked; how could she know who played the prank? Because Wayne's mother (he's my brother from another mother) wrote "Wayne Karis 4-B" on the whoopie cushion. LO freakin' L!

Introducing Bill's Brother Steven

Hanging out with Bill from produce as often as I did, I was able to meet several of his fabulous family members - his parents, his soon-to-be wife, Robin, and his hilarious and adorable brother, Steven. Once Bill told me that Steven's wife Nancy had been ill for a while and that the medication she was on for her migraine wasn't helping. Steven, good husband that he is, called the pharmacist and explained that his wife's prescription wasn't doing the trick. When asked by said pharmacist what medication Nancy was currently taking, Steven replied, with complete and utter certainty, "Peyote. She's taking peyote." Apparently Nancy had been tripping in the desert with The Doors. Tsk, tsk...

Storytime

Tonight in the garage at Hawkins, Xavier, Marina and myself were listening as Wayne told us about his day, "At my job, specifically the area I work at, is very button-up and very conservative. Well, this woman in one of the other departments is a little rough around the edges and today she came over and said she had a story she wanted to tell us. Anytime someone says this, you immediately don't want to hear the story because if per chance it's mildly offensive, you don't want to be anywhere near the conversation because then you are considered guilty by association, y'know? Okay, so she comes over and tells me, 'My sister has a son with Down Syndrome, right? And he's a really sweet kid, but he's a big guy and he's really strong. Well, today she gets a call from Francis when she's at work saying that he found a leprechaun and that she needs to come home right away. So my sister says to stop playing and that he doesn't have a leprechaun but he insists that he does and so she leaves work to go home. My sister gets home and my nephew says that he caught a leprechaun and that it's in the closet. She looks at the hall closet and sees that Francis barricaded chairs and stuff in front of it. She moves everything, opens the closet and there's a midget in the closet.' Seriously," Wayne continues, "she said midget like right out loud. She said he was the census taker. I mean I was laughing but she's saying midget and census taker and I'm like, 'I've got work I need to do.' Man, it was pretty insane."
I personally, was doubled over laughing. I mean, forget the birth of Christ, this is the greatest story ever told.
Later, I got home and Fr. Michael came over. I told him the story and he was cracking up as well and then he got very serious and stated, "Well, it's lucky that boy didn't kill that poor man. I mean, honestly, he may have thought the man was a goblin. That telephone call could have been Mom, I killed a goblin, you know?" I seriously peed my pants a little when Michael said goblin.
(i'd like to note that wayne listed census taker along with midget as if saying census taker is as offensive and degrading as the term midget.)
(dang! apparently this gal was havin' a laff with wayne. he later informed me that this was a big ole hoax. i honestly could care less b/c it provided me with some much needed laughter!)

Gluegens

Workin' the aisles one afternoon, Gluegens pulled me into the backroom to tell me of his run in with a certain German customer. "Schlagens (that was what Joe called me - our work names are derived from an imaginary brand of sauerkraut), you're not gonna believe this. I'm shelving the dog food and this woman comes up and asks me in this thick German accent if I have a penis." "Get the fuck outta here, she did not." "Hand to God, she looked me dead in the eye and said, 'You 'ave pea-nis?' and I started to unzip and told her, 'Hey baby, I got what you want...' when she shouted, 'No! No! Pea-nuts! Do you 'ave pea-nuts??' I was a little disappointed, Schlag."

Big Edie Beale

When discussing the raid on Grey Gardens by the Health Department she stated that, "It was the most disgusting, atrocious thing ever to happen in America." And Big Edie never exaggerated (she types with one raised eyebrow and a crooked, knowing smirk).