Elsie the Sheltie

A few years back my niece was celebrating her 14th bday at an outdoor party at her mother's. Ash and her gaggle of friends were spread out in the yard into little groups chatting and giggling as young girls are wont to do. Elsie was finally released from the house and tore into the yard. Usually a sweet and calm creature, Elsie suddenly seemed to go berserk. She began to race around the outside circles of the guests and as I watched from the patio, the girls began to scream in terror and run, much like frightened sheep, to the corner of the yard. Elsie, a sheep herding dog who spent her entire life in Northeast Philly, instinctively knew how to wrangle a herd of teenage girls into complete submission.

Our Love of The OC

Back in 2006 I stopped over my parents house to find them watching the Tijuana episode from season 1 of The OC. Stupefied by this sight, I asked why the hell they were watching a lame TV show designed for kids. "Your brothers recommended it to us," my mother said, "We really like it. Seth is my favourite." Astonishing.
The next time I saw my brothers I questioned their motives for watching the series and they convinced me to Netflix season one. I did and instantly fell in love. Then I saw season two and fell completely out of love. But season one still holds a special place in my little heart.
In 2008 Marina overheard Xavier and myself referencing something and she inquired as to what. We replied, "THE OC!" She, like I did once, scoffed and snickered at the very idea that we would watch such drivel. Then she saw season one.
Anyway, Marina is now in VT visiting with her sister, who is also a fan of the show. I spoke to Marina this morning and she is officially caught up on every episode of the series. She was telling me of the season where - spoiler - Marisa dies. I burst out laughing when she actually spoke the words, "Ryan moved out and is living behind a bar earning money as a cage fighter." Once the words left her mouth she immediately saw the absurdity. Then it dawned on me. Benjamin McKenzie shirtless, sweating, bloody...and incredibly hot. That's the allure of The OC. That and Sandy Cohen, awesome music, Anna Stern's wardrobe, and Summer Roberts in a Wonder Woman costume.

Deep Thoughts

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
~Jack Handey SNL

Fr. Michael's Run-In w/the Law

Never one to hold his tongue for any reason, Fr. Michael was sitting in his car with his bf last week outside of his home. They'd just gotten back from the movies and wanted to finish their conversation when Johnny Law pulls up behind their car, flashes his lights and gets out. Michael, now annoyed at this bullshit excuse for the local rollers to act big and bad, kills the engine and goes to open his door. "Get back in the fuckin' car, now! Put your hands where I can see 'em! Stay in the fuckin' car!!" Apparently this officer had become confused and thought he was at an audition for Southland. This ain't fuckin' South Central, so I don't know what that reaction was all about. Anyhow, Michael shuts the door and rolls the window down. The cop comes up to the driver's side and before he can say a word, Michael asks him, "Officer, are you concerned because there's a Latino in the neighborhood? Is that what this is all about?" Johnny Law suddenly gets all flustered and apologetic when he discovers that he completely overreacted. Take that, punk.

Marina Straightens Out Her Class

Marina's Spanish class was discussing the air pollution problem in Mexico. They didn't understand why it should be primarily blamed on Texas and California. Marina raised her hands, palms out, and explained," The air knows no boundaries."

Step Brothers

Thursday night I was at my brothers' place hanging out with Xavier and Fr. Michael. We were discussing movies, ones we love, and I said, "Xave, ya know what Michael's fave movie is? Step Brothers." Michael let out a groan and Xave said, "Aw, ya didn't like it? I thought it was hilarious." However, Fr. Michael disagreed, "I went to see that in the theatre with some friends from rehab and by the time it was over we were all using again."

Amy On Her Ability to Unwind w/Ease

"It's actually worrisome...the lack of thinking..."

Marina's Drunken Evening

"I'm pretty sure I'm the drunk cousin. When my mom called today I asked her if anyone had called her last night. She said, 'You talked to me, honey.' Apparently I said that everybody thinks I'm drunk, but I'm really not."

Bakery Box Pound Cake

"Hey, ladies, check out the way these mini chocolate chip pound cakes turned out."
Myself, Ali (hot lesbian from beauty dept.), Jacquie, and Denise all gather around Winnie Jo as she holds in her hand a delicious pound cake whose center was split open to perfectly form the likeness of a vagina. The melted mini morsel chips surrounding the caucasian flesh coloured opening resembled that of trimmed pubic hair.
Ali immediately stated the obvious with, "Damn...that's gonna sell out quick with all the lesbians that shop here."
"Yeah, lesbians and Puerto Ricans," I plainly stated.
As silence fell on our group, all eyes turned to me as Denise inquired, "Puerto Ricans?"
"Hell yeah. Puerto Ricans love pussy."
More stunned silence, but Denise continues, "My boyfriend's Puerto Rican and he never goes down on me. So I don't think that comment is very accurate."
"Is he full blood?"
"No...half."
"Well, there ya have it. In my experience with Puerto Rican men, they fuckin' love pussy. Nearly as much as lesbians. Y'know what, maybe even more so."
Always knowing how to make an exit, I turned on my heel and left them to ponder my wisdom.

Chuck Norris

My BFF is a huge fan of those Chuck Norris lines. There are a few good ones, but the one she told me about last week nearly killed me. Here it be: "Chuck Norris can go ten minutes without air, but air can't go ten minutes without Chuck Norris." Just awesome.

So True

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Marina Takes No Shit

A few summers back, Marina and I were havin' a little garage sale. There we were lounging in creaky 1980s beach chairs trying to not self destruct in the heat when two fellas pulled up in a pickup truck. It was clear to both of us that they were not from our side of the tracks. So these two gentleman strolled on up the drive and asked Marina how much she was asking for one of her items. She told them twenty and they said ten. She said no, that it was twenty and that twenty bucks was already a steal. The one guy got out his wallet and handed Marina a ten. She held up her hand in refusal and said no thank you, that it was twenty dollars. He then proceeded to tell her that she was a beautiful lady and continued to wave the ten at her. Clearly this man didn't know who he was dealing with. As cold as ice, Marina once again held up her hand in refusal and said, "Thank you but the compliment should be free." Put in his place, he managed to dig out another ten from his wallet. He was able to go home with the item he desired, a life lesson in how to properly speak to a lady, and perhaps a little less pride. Mission accomplished, Marina.

Megan's Freudian Slip

Hanging out at work with the ladies, we were chilling to the local radio station. The B-52s were on and talk turned to what have they honestly done since "Love Shack" and "Roam" and how is it that they are still touring. I explained that they have a large gay following and that the gay community alone can keep so-called One Hit Wonders in business for decades. Megan exclaimed, "Oh, I just love the gay community!" ....long dead silence.... "No! Ha! I meant that I love The B-52s. I like the gay community too, though." Gotta love that Megan.

Mary's Trashes Truman

On that day when Amy & I went to lunch with her mother, I was the one driving. We picked Mary up at the office and I unlocked the passenger side door and let Mary in. It was hot as hell and Mary kept looking for the automatic windows until I told her that I roll old school with manual locks and windows. This is when she said, "Wow, this is like one step up from the Conestoga Wagon!"
It should be stated that Truman is a 2002 Saturn.

Uncle Al on Joan Baez

"Man, Joan Baez...what a drag."
(clearly alan was not a fan of folk music in the 60s)

Rusty

In my days at the Hellmouth, I worked with a certain dredlocked hunk named Russ. During our time together Rusty came out. I personally believe that I have excellent gaydar (well, for gay men. sadly i am clueless regarding the ladies.) but I so didn't see that conversation coming. He actually said that he was waiting for a guy to come in to the café that a friend of his was setting him up with. I was insanely confused. Why would meeting a friend of a friend be considered a set up? That just didn't sound right. It got to a point where I literally said, "Dude, are you telling me that you're gay???" He said yeah and I was speechless. Come the end of the night I still was not convinced. I mean this guy was so straight. Like an arrow. Like a motherfuckin' board. So I finally just said, "Rusty, man, I know we only met like a coupla weeks ago, but, are you sure you're gay? I mean, I just don't see it. I could walk in on you fuckin' some guy on this table and be all, 'Rusty, quit playin'!' because I just can't get my head around it." That's when he dropped the bomb and said plainly, "Rusty likes cock." Well alrighty then.

Jack from "Will & Grace"

"He's clinging to it like he's Kirstie Alley and the class is a shred of decency." Ouch.

Wayne Disses Stargate Gal

My three brothers are huge Sci-Fi geeks and were all about the series Stargate last year. Wayne was telling me of one character who is a little too smart for her own good and thus really irritating. "She makes Leonardo DaVinci look like a garbage man," Wayne rants, "It's like she knows everything. It's so annoying. It'll be like, 'Well, back when I was a tennis pro...' or 'When I went to culinary school...' It's like she has the answer to any problem at her fingertips and it's completely unbelievable and ridiculous and annoying. Ah..."

Creed Bratton

On Jan's tub birth, "Must've looked like the tide at Omaha beach."

Out to Dinner w/Amy & Her Mama

Not long ago the three of us had a great opportunity to have lunch together. We hit a pizza joint near Mary's office and had more than a couple laughs. At one point the kid behind me kept making fart noises (how inappropriate) and I said, "Someone's a little gassy..." expecting a grin or a chuckle from Amy. Instead Mary very seriously stated, "It's just a boy playing." (Lead balloon.) So, I was speechless b/c clearly I was aware of that, but Amy in her usual sarcastic way replied, "Oh, that's not a real fart? Star, get with the program."
Whatever, I thought it was funny.

Silly

Do you know why six is afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.