Oz

Today I was FaceTiming with Xavier and he was telling me about an old episode of Oz when one character filed his fingernails into daggers and then went ballistic on a prison guard. Scratched the hell out of him. As a sidebar, Xavier's stepdaughter has an evil cat named Cay Cay or Kay Kay or KK, who the fuck knows how they spell it. So I said, "So this guy pulled a Cay Cay?" Without a beat, Xave hit me back with, "Oh, he totally Cay Cayed the shit out of him." I'm telling ya, that kid cracks me up.

So wrong....

If only this marker had spell check....

Ritz East Garage

On our way to the movies, Bishop and I took the elevator from the parking garage. We stepped in and both had the same thought - "What a dump." That's when Bishop says, "I love what they've done with the place." As we looked around at the filth we both noticed the smashed corpse of an insect on the glass. Bish points to the carcass and states plainly, "Now in the art world, that's what's known as an installation." So snarky!

The Princess & The Peepod

Several years back, Kristin aka The Princess aka Dimples, told me an adorable story that took place in a Target bathroom. Doin' her business in one stall she was able to overhear a conversation between a mother and her 3 year old daughter a few stalls down. It went like this:

"Good girl, honey, now it's Mommy's turn."

pause....

"Wow, Mommy, that was a good pee."

"Yep, that was a big girl pee"

pause...

"Mommy, what's that?"

"This is for big girls."

"Are you gonna stick that in your butt??"

"No, honey."

"You're gonna put it in your VAGINA?!"

This is the point where Kristin busted out laughing. The mother said, "I'm so sorry - she's only three." That's when the little girl plainly stated, "I'm three, I'm not a big girl." Guess she wasn't so anxious to grow up and start using tampons. And none of us can blame her for that.

Imaginary Baby

A year or so ago when Rob and I were hypothetically discussing having a kid together, we were throwing around names. My top two favorite names are Jacinda and Brendan. However, Brendan just doesn't fit for a bi-racial child. In my opinion, of course. So I told Rob that for our kid I was torn between Thaddeus and Atticus. He liked Thaddeus, but Atticus is such a bad ass name. My mother added her two cents with, "Well, you could always make it Thaddeus Atticus and have both names." Thaddeus Atticus? Is he a Roman soldier? Even I can't get behind a goofy name like that.

So not true.

FaceTiming with Marina yesterday she gasped the moment she saw me and declared, "You are so thin. Your arm is like the size of my pinky toe." So, basically I'm a circus freak. Thanks. 'ppreciate that.

Bleck!

Skylar's mum works at a gluten free bakery and a few weeks back he brought in some loaves for us gals to test out. I finally got around to trying a slice the other day. Yeah, it's not good. When I saw him at work I was straight up honest with him; "Skylar, that gluten free bread was so bad, I think it gave me rickets."

Delish!

Sitting next to Skylar in the office the other day, I was leaning over his shoulder when he says, "You smell really good." He turns around and sees that I was eating a butterscotch Dum Dum. "Oh, it's that. I was like, you smell like breakfast syrup..."

Ouch

One of Fr. Michael's clients came up to him in the hall and told him, "You wouldn't be so bad lookin' if you weren't so big." Hmm...I think there may be a compliment somewhere in that insult...

Old School Style

My brother Wayne was telling me and our brothers about his recent jaunt to a little barber shop in Malvern, PA. He went on to tell us that it was definitely a throwback to the kind of shops he'd go to as a kid back in the day. "So, I grab a seat in the waiting area and the owner's got a bowl of mini candy bars. There's a couple Milky Ways and some Three Musketeers. Then there's some Sports Illustrated mags on the table. I mean, I didn't even know they still published that. But the best was there was this old little tv and they were playing Good Times." I bet Sanford & Son was on next.

Arizona or Bust

IM conversation between myself and my coworker who is hoping to find a new position out in Arizona.

Hugh: there's an opening for an on-call mammography technologist in glendale, az

Me: um
       i think you need schooling for that

Hugh: lol yeah

Me: and no offense, but you aren't super compassionate
       so i don't think you'd make the ladies feel at ease

Hugh: the tv in the waiting room would be showing action movies nonstop

Me: that'll ease the tension for sure
       nothing prepares a gal for a mammogram like Commando

Late Night at 7-11

Standing in line with Michael late one night at Sev, I noticed the candy aisle which is also the condom aisle. Always trying to one-up Michael in the shock department, I said, "Oh honey, look, condoms. But we don't need those, cause we bareback it." I should have known that it is nearly impossible to out-filth Michael. He didn't miss a beat when he looked at me and responded, "Fuq yeah. I'ma hit that fer the next 24 hours." Once again, out done. I couldn't help but laugh. As we walked to the car Michael said, "You know that guy standing in front of you totally heard what you said to me." "What guy?" (sometimes I can be so oblivious) "That guy in front of you in line heard what you said to me and turned around to check you out. Then when he heard what I said he looked at me, grinned and said 'Word is bond'." Never a dull moment in my bizarre little life.

Moron, your bus is leaving...

Hanging out with Bishop last week, I showed him that hilarious YouTube clip of the anchors from Good Day Philadelphia. They were interviewing Ryan Lochte and man, that kid is dumb as a bag of hammers. I mean, I have seriously never heard anything good about him. He seems like the kind of arrogant, pompous kid who is a complete douche bag. My favourite part was when Lochte explained that he is a man at night and he's a man in the morning. Is he a little girl in the afternoon?? I mean, what does that even mean? Bishop and I were quoting it all night and as he walked me to the door, Bishop started laughing to himself and said, "Ya know, they should publish that. Pearls of Wisdom by Ryan Lochte." He clutched the railing and burst into a fit of laughter. I said, "Yeah. It'd be a four hundred page fuckin' blank journal, right?"

Monster

Chatting with Marina the other day and she was telling me of her three month old son's giant burp. "I was walking to the kitchen with him on my shoulder, lightly patting his back and it was like King Kong burped. It was so loud I was afraid to look at him. I thought there'd be guts all down my back. It was truly terrifying."

Convo with Xavier

I was FaceTiming with my little brother and told him that my godmother got work at a holistic studio in Philly.
"She's like, the Reiki priest? Wizard? Grand poo-bah."
He said poo-bah and I doubled over laughing and smacked my head on the table. It's such an underused word...

No Holds Barred

The other night Fr. Michael was over and at about half past eleven we went to head out for a smoke. Michael stood at the threshold and waited while I reached for my cigarettes. This was when he asked me, flat out, "Do you incorporate nipple stimulation into your masturbatory activities?" The question wasn't what stopped me dead, it was his phrasing. Incorporate nipple stimulation? Sometimes he sounds like a textbook. The next day I told Double J and Skylar this at the office and after they caught their respective breath each asked, "What did you say?!" "I said 'Yes.' Duh? I mean, why wouldn't I? They're there and they're fabulous." This sent them each into yet another fit of shocked laughter.

If only...

Me: I need a new bladder. I peepod entirely too much.

Skylar: You need like a bionic bladder or one that's like an oil refinery and it just burns it off.

Oh my god, that would be incredible. Seriously, I had to use the loo eleven times at work yesterday. This juicing and drinking water is bullshit. I'd slaughter small children for a slice of pizza right about now. Okay, that's an exaggeration. I'd definitely pinch one real hard on the back of their arm though.

Incoming

Last night at Bishop's we were channel surfing when he stopped on the local news station. The one gal had blindingly white teeth. They were actually distracting. Bishop sighed in disgust and said, "Look at that woman's teeth. You could land planes with those things! They are way too bright."

Walking Dead

FaceTiming with Xavier today, we got on the topic of Lennie James and basically how kick ass that guy is and Xave told me that he was on a Dead ep not long ago - finally. Being that I am forever behind the rest of the world and have only seen seasons one and two of The Walking Dead, Xave filled me in on *spoiler alert* Lori's death. I already knew about it and was only too pleased since she was not a favourite of mine.

I asked, "So how did she die, anyhow?"
"Carl put her down."
"Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?"
"Yeah, she had the baby and Maggie had to deliver and they had to do a Caesarian."
"Shit. Maggie's the girl on the farm? Glenn's girl, right?"
"Yeah, that's her. Well, for a C-section they basically saw ya in half, yank out your guts and toss 'em on your chest. Then they go into the uterus and pull the kid out. I mean, it's major surgery."
"And clearly this wasn't being done in a hospital."
"Fuck no! So, she basically bled to death cause no farmer's daughter can fix that. I mean, I don't know how she is with fuckin' drapes but she ain't savin' Lori, ya know?"

When Xavier said drapes I completely lost it. That kid cracks me the hell up. After my return from Europe we are catching me up on all the eps I've missed. God bless DVR.

Black Betty, Sort of...

My little brother is usually found singing random songs, one of which is Ram Jam's Black Betty. Well, my nephew clearly picked up on this and last week he was walking around his room singing. However, Little Z's version went ♫Black belly, bam-ba-lam, black belly had a child...♪
Now that's adorable.

Insult or Compliment?

At the movies last month Melissa had her curly hair down with two lil' pigtails on the sides. She passed a mirror and then turned to me and said, "Did I tell you what my dad said when I had my hair like this?"
"Nope - what did he say?"
"He looked at me and said, 'You look like Barf.'"
"What the what? He said that to you? Why??"
Melissa explained, "He was trying to tell me that I looked like John Candy in Spaceballs cause of the pigtails looking like his dog ears. He meant well, but no one wants to be referred to as barf. Especially by their father."

Carol Burnett Show Commercial

Rock Hudson:

My wife...I don't know how she does it. She drives the kids to school, cooks the dinners, does all the housework, she shovels coal, skins buffaloes, does her own dental work, and also holds a full time job as a spot welder; and yet with all this she manages to take care of herself. She takes Geritone once a day. 

from episode Carol Burnett Show #817

Oscar Time

Bishop invited me over to watch "The Gay Super Bowl" and although I wasn't really interested, he did persuade me by saying, "We can make snarky comments about wardrobe and hair." My response? "Well, when I get down to debauchery and bitchery, I'm at my finest, so I'm in."

Not Even Close

Fr. Michael was telling me that this week at work one of the clients, a very dark skinned black woman, walked up to him, got him in a big ole bear hug and said, "You look identical to my daughter." Apparently her daughter is an extremely masculine gal who stands at 5'8" with a 5 o'clock shadow and is also half German, half Filipino.

Southern Gent

Seven had a customer one evening with a gorgeous Arkansas accent. She regaled Seven with a tale of her traipsing all over town looking for the book that she finally found thanks to his assistance. After stating that, "I got stuck in a mess of a storm and my wipers went and quit on me whilst I was driving down the road!" Seven took her southern wit and raised her with, "Yes, ma'am, that's worse den a possum goin' down a hole backwards." That it is.

Brad Paisley

FaceTiming with Xavier today and he asked me if I was familiar with Brad Paisley. I'd heard the name but knew nothing more about him. Xave went on to say, "You should check him out. He's no Shakespeare or Bernie Taupin, but he's got some good-ass lyrics. He writes from the heart."

Speak It

One evening at the Hellmouth I ran down to the train station on break to pick up Rachel. She had been a barista in Philly but had recently taken a job as a file clerk at a law firm. Frank was sweeping behind the counter and I convinced Rach to erase our menu board and jazz it up a bit. Frank was clearly checking her out - Rachel was super cute with great hair and looked very sassy in her business attire. While up on the ladder chalking up the blackboard Frank walked by and Rachel said, "I'm really bloated and gassy, so if you smell something, it's probably me." Gotta love honesty in a gal.

Wendy Speaks the Truth

"Nothing makes you want to kill yourself more than having ovaries." Preach!

Congrats Are In Order...

I work with a guy who as soon as I met him he instantly reminded me of Bradley Cooper. Same initials, same gorgeous smile and the same sparkly blue eyes. I took to calling him Bradley and I don't think he minds it one bit. Today I sent him a little shout out saying:
"Congratulations on your Oscar nomination! My fingers are crossed that you will take home the statue!"
"lol Thank you! I will mention you in my speech."
"I'm so honoured, yet not at all surprised..."
"Watch for it I will be riding a pony up to the podium. Me and the agents are working out the specifics."
Seriously, I did a spit take all over my keyboard when I read the word "pony." Man, I love that kid.

Not a Fan

I was asking everyone at the office if there yet exists an app that can tell you where cops are located. Ya know, like a visual radar detector. Apparently everyone thought this was a terrible idea because then criminals would know where the police were at all times. As for me, I'm more concerned with myself and keeping a very safe distance from anyone in the law enforcement community. I tend to prefer the company of criminals to cops. Marie was the only one on my side. "Yeah, you should see about setting that up. The Fuzz Buster." Damn, I really oughta.

The Babs

Fr. Michael runs group sessions and usually tries to start it off on a light note. One day he decided to start with a trivia question. He said that the person for them to guess was an extremely successful female singer over the age of 50. Easy enough. The twenty questions began and Michael began to see that these individuals were never going to get it. Missy Elliott was a great guess, cause she's totally over 50. Other guesses of Ke$ha and Sally Field leave one clutching their head in confusion. Michael was getting worried so he said, "Forty five to fifty percent of the group will know who this is." Twenty questions were up and Michael confessed that it was Barbra Streisand. He saw blank faces staring back at him. Through clenched teeth Michael told them, "I said 45-50% - if there is a single person in this room who doesn't know Barbra Streisand then they must leave my sight immediately."
He later said to me, "And I wonder why there's gay rumours at work about me..."

The Dark Knight Rises

I managed to watch the first eight minutes of The Dark Knight Rises before dashing off to meet Bishop at the theatre. I didn't like the first two Christopher Nolan Batmans so I had extremely low expectations for this one. Honestly, the only reason I really wanted to see it was because of Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, two actors whom I respect and adore. Bishop, and pretty much every other male I know, raved about DKR. I was skeptical at best.
In the theatre, walking beside Bish I said, "Okay, so I started watching the new Batman..." His eyes widened and he gasped, "Oh, don't you LOVE it?!! It's so sick." I replied, "All I can say is, as a woman who is not terribly feminine in any way, if I have ever questioned my gender in the past, after the first eight minutes of that film I am now completely certain that I am indeed female." He laughed and said in a heart broken voice, "You didn't like it?" "Nope. What is with the bad Sean Connery voice on Bane? And the in-flight blood transfusion?? I mean come on. It's rubbish." But I vowed to try and keep an open mind and get through the rest of the movie, which I did. With the help of some single malt scotch and several smoke breaks. I feel like if I were a guy in high school, this would be my favourite movie of all time. But I'm not. I think I need to re-watch Following or The Prestige to remind myself that Christopher Nolan is capable of writing excellent dialogue of which we can all be proud.