Bday Discussion

Today Bishop and I were talking about our childhood and teenage crushes. In grade school my crush was the über dreamy Michael J. Fox. I loved him on Family Ties and no one was cooler than Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Even now, some (oh my god!) twenty five years later, he's still cool, still handsome as ever, and just an all around great guy. Bishop, on the other hand, said his main squeeze was Roger Taylor of Duran Duran. Bishop would sit in his room and daydream about all the adventures they'd have together someday. We then moved on to older crushes. In high school Bishop went nutty over Andy Fletcher from Depeche Mode while I was completely in love with Eddie Vedder. So much so in fact, that I was devastated (you know how dramatic teenage girls can be) when I read that he was to be married. Bishop chuckled when I shouted, "THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!! HE WAS MEANT TO MARRY ME!!!!" At the time, I really was upset. I was a huge loser (read: outcast) throughout most of grade school and all of high school and spent a majority of my time dreaming of better days to come when Eddie Vedder would find me and together we would make beautiful music together. (Sounds like the making of a classic Carpenters' song, eh?) Anyway, Bishop responded to my cries of despair with, "That bastard. He tore your heart right out, didn't he?" To which I added, "Yeah, tore it out, threw it in a blender, drank it, then regurgatated it and fed it to baby birds."
(I'd like to add that I am, and have been for quite some time, totally over Mr. Vedder. However, Bishop still holds a very large torch for Roger. Look out Mrs. Taylor, there's a strapping young hunk lookin' to steal your man.)

Another Memory from My Aisle Days

This morning I remembered the time a few years back when the talk in the backroom was of the then recent picture capturing Ms. Britney Spears and her vagina. I walked back there just at the end of a conversation and Simon turned to me and said, "Y'know, it kinda makes a guy feel special. I mean, I got to see something that Justin Timberlake didn't. I feel good about this."

Matt from The Aisles

I used to work with this kid Matt who was serious, almost stoic, and very difficult to read, but in the end one would discover that he was really a beautiful guy. One day we were in the bulk closet, he on the phone, I waiting to ask him a question. Apparently, the customer asked where the holiday foods and such were specifically located. Matt replied, "Our holiday merchandise is sprinkled throughout the store," and motioned with his hand like he was a one of Barker's Beauties. I had to cover my mouth so as not to bust out laughing. The best part was the look of confusion on his own face after he said "sprinkled." Later, as we left the closet, I asked what in the hell made him say sprinkled and he became slightly irate, turned back to me and whisper-shouted, "Man, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing taday. It's fuckin' bedlam in this place. I mean, I'm lookin' for fig spread in the specialty section and I don't know what the hell that even is!" In his frustration, his outburst left me in stitches.

Cerpts & Bishop

Years ago at the Hellmouth, if I recall the story correctly, Cerpts & Bishop were in the break room chatting. They had only been working together for a brief time at this point and had discovered in one another a common thread. Food. They apparently got into a deep discussion of what each one's finest meal was, and at one point Cerpts said, "You should come over to my place one day and I'll make dinner and you can bring dessert." Bishop replied with mock surprise, "You'd let a black man in your house?" "Well, somebody has to serve us," Cerpts deadpanned thus making Bishop howl out loud. Ya gotta love that Cerpts.

Gurt Turns a Phrase

Back in my market days, I was helping Gurt out in the dairy cooler. He always had the greatest way of saying something so common yet so strangely uncommon and cracking me the hell up. This day he went to lift six plastic wrapped sour cream containers, two of which had cracked open and leaked all over the other four. Gurt grabbed it by the top and dropped it into his other hand, thus realizing that breakage had occurred, and said, "Uh! Felt like a dirty diaper." Best description of anything I've ever heard.

Fr. Michael Gets Offensive

Thursday night at quarter to nine, Fr. Michael and I went to a Health Food Restaurant near my place. It's supposed to be open until ten, but when we walked in they told us that they were in fact closed. It should be noted that the waitress who informed us of this was standing directly beneath a flashing neon "open" sign. Fr. Michael had been looking forward to this particular eatery, but I explained that they may be closing early because of Hanukkah since the place was run by Jews. (I assumed this because they were closed on Yom Kippur & Rosh Hashanah. Apparently I crave the company of young Jewish waiters on the Holy Days of the Jewish faith. Who could blame me?) Once inside the car, Michael announced his displeasure by saying, "Christ killers" under his breath. I then suggested that we give the Afghan place a whirl. We pull up just to see the hostess click off the "open" sign. Then as we pulled away to give the Indian restaurant a try, Michael says, "Fuckin' Taliban. No room at the fuckin' inn ta-night." I found all of these outlandish remarks to be somewhat hilarious because they were all clearly said to shock me and I know where his heart really lies. Also, we were able to get some grub at Coriander and it was delicious.

Despair on the Flip Side

A girl I used to know told me that when her baby brother was little he was incessantly tortured by Preston, the family dog. Preston would bite Christian's ear, step on him, and knock him over on a daily basis. Years later, Erin was taking the family's coffee table with her to college. Loading it into her car she noticed something carved into the bottom. It said "I HAT PRESTON."

'Tis the Season??

This time of year always reminds me of a horrifying story Melissa once told me. When she and I first met, Melissa was dating, oh, let's call him Orville; well, on their first Christmas together, Melissa wanted to get a little something for his mother, so she picked out a sweet little angel figurine. Caught unawares, Mother's expression let on that she had nothing to reciprocate. A normally sane woman would lie through her teeth and say something like, "Oh, I haven't wrapped yours yet!" or "Drats, your gift hasn't arrived yet!" She could have even been honest and explained that she didn't realize they were exchanging gifts. Any of those would have been acceptable. But Orville's mom went with, "Oh, um, uh, I have your gift...but it's upstairs. Let me run and get it." As Orville and Melissa sat waiting they could hear the sound of paper rustling and stumbling around as if to find something to wrap up and give. Again, a normal person would take a frame from the wall, remove the photo, and wrap it on up. No, that was not the case in this scenario. Orville's mother came downstairs after nearly fifteen minutes with an oblong item in her hand, wrapped in wrinkled reindeer paper. Intrigued, Melissa opened the package to reveal...a Hickory Farms turkey stick. Well, y'know, it's the thought that counts, right?

The Howard Family

When my mother was a kid her best friend was Marge Howard. Marge's family was nothing short of completely bizarre, but in a somewhat endearing and adorable way. A prime example of their weirdness would be the time her older brother Gerry came strolling down the staircase with the bedroom door under his arm. Mr. Howard, seated in the worn-in plaid Barcalounger, looked up and asked, "Where do you think you're going with that?" Gerry nonchalantly replied, "Ah, don't sweat it, Pops, I'll bring it back." Mr. Howard responded with, "See that you do, son," and went back to his pipe and paper. Another time, the house had been burglarized and no one noticed until Mr. Howard went to lean on the television set and fell to the floor. However, my all time favourite story of this wacky group was when my mother was in 7th grade and went to meet Marge so they could walk to school together. Marge was feeling under the weather and Mrs. Howard was taking her temperature in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, she was taking Marge's temperature rectally - in front of my mother. Mum says that to this day she is still horrified by that image that she somehow cannot erase. Yikes.

Ignorance Is Bliss Only for the Ignorant

The market I once worked at had its share of really obnoxious and rude customers. My favourite was without a doubt the uppity old white broad who walked up to Christian (a rather unpleasant young Latino) and plainly said, "Do you speak English?" She then walked over to Will (very full of himself white boy) and stated, "I can't believe they let blacks in here. You know that they don't have any money." Some people should not be allowed to leave the house without their conscience and a decent dose of humanity.