Fabulous Insult

Bishop was having a back and forth with a coworker via email and it was getting ugly. Before he completely lost control of his senses, he backed off and stopped responding. Bish is a bit intimidating at six one and built like a brick shithouse, but he's got a heart of gold. However, his words can make anyone cry, myself included. I told him that she was lucky that he didn't confront her in person, to which Bishop said, "She's lucky I didn't call her a rat infested gash." Ew. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Fightin' Irish

I used to work with this woman, Natalie. She was about forty and sweet as can be. Every shift with her had me doubled over laughing. She had such a hilarious way about her and it seemed impossible for her to not be funny as hell. One afternoon, Natalie, Kathy and I were talking about fights we'd been in during our youth. Kathy, from Chicago's South Side, had some that made us all a little afraid. Natalie then told us that she used to get into fights all the time. I was a tad stunned. Natalie? Fight? I mean, she looked as though she'd spent her adolescence making daisy chains in a meadow. Oh, how wrong I was. She then proceeded to tell us how at age 21 when she was hanging out with her then boyfriend and future husband that her sister said something to piss her off. Natalie grabbed her sister by the back of her head and then started smashing her fist repeatedly into her sister's face. Natalie actually broke her hand from doing this; oh, and her sister had just finished recovering from a nose job. In case you were curious, Jersey girls fight for reals; no hair pulling and scratching. We go full tilt boogie.

The World's Worst Wedding Table Guest

Poor Fr. Michael always gets seated with the crazies at any event. Perhaps because he's a social worker who deals with disturbed and addicted individuals, people just automatically feel he'll survive an evening with the family nutcases. His sister's wedding was no exception and he was seated with the singles and psychos. He described them as such, "Liza, they were not of this planet. They acted as though they were in the King's Court. Everything they discussed was dialogue taken from The Tudors or some Shakespearian play. I finally couldn't take it, so when dinner was served I excused myself and went out to chain smoke 11 cigarettes. I came back, literally, forty minutes later and they hadn't eaten. One of them said, 'We wanted to wait until your return before we began our meal.' They sat there and waited like a bunch of idiots. They finally started eating and decided to go into extreme detail about every single bite. 'My, what a succulent morsel.' I'm telling you, Liza, I can't even begin to imagine daily living with these fools. I can't."

My other favourite wedding guest has to be the man seated next to Bishop at his friend's wedding. Let's call him Tony, shall we? Apparently Tony did not realise that the man on the other side of Bishop was in fact Bishop's husband, Pax. Throughout the meal Tony kept puttin his hand on Bishop's knee. Towards the end of the wedding, Tony went to the men's room and Bishop and Pax headed home. Later Vinnie (another guest at the table) called Bishop and said,
"Dude, that guy was totally hitting on you. He was clearly waiting in the men's expecting you to follow him and hook up. It was crazy. He seemed totally perplexed when, thirty minutes later, he came back to find you and Pax gone."
Bishop said, "Was he really?"
"He was totally blatant - he had his hand on your knee for the entire dinner, man. I totally saw it."
"I thought he was just being chummy."
Chummy, eh, Bish? Is that what they're calling it these days??

Cats Suck

Once again I am stuck watching my friend's stoopid cats while she's on vacation. All I have to do is stop by a couple times and fill the water and food bowls. However, the one cat pisses me off to no end. I don't kill spiders or bugs in my house, but I am telling you, this cat wants me to strangle it. I went over the other day and it freakin' attacked my leg and hissed at me. I called him a fucking ungrateful half breed and told him to stay outta my fucking way or I'd boot him down the stairs. At work tonight I was complaining to Lolo about this and she said, "Can you lock him in a cage?" I told her the only cage I wanted to put that fuckin' cat in is the mouth of a snarling pit bull. I have to go back tonight and I'm bringing a water pistol filled with pepper spray.

My Name is Father Xmas and I'm an Alcoholic

After work last night I dashed over to Jane's place where she served mince pie and earl grey tea. (Earl Grey, hot, if you will.) My mum has been trying for decades to get me to drink tea and try some of my Nan's homemade mince pie. I would have none of it. But as a guest, I took the leap and good lord - what have I been thinking all these years? With my Irish blood how could I not love a good cuppa tay?
Being that Jane is from Lincoln, Lincolnshire, she schooled me on the British Christmas traditions, one such being that Santa is served sherry and mince pie on Christmas Eve. "He must be terribly disappointed when he arrived in America to find milk! I suppose when he is in England he's an alcoholic."

Colombian Ice Cream Man

Talking via Skype this morning with Marina, a god awful sound came screeching through her open door. "What in the fuck is that sound?" I ask. "Ugh," sighs Marina, "there's a man outside my window honking. It's so annoying. He's like the ice cream man except he sells this horrible drink. It's basically corn kernels in milk. It's revolting." Sounds it.

Santa

Conversation between Ella and her four year old daughter:
"Mommy, Santa's not real."
"How do you know?"
"I Googled it."

More Black Books

You have brought nothing but pain, penury, and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence.

-Dylan Moran, genius

Die, Mommie, Die! (honourable mention)

"It's the size of a Nathan's Hot Dog!!"

Death Proof

From one of my favourite scenes:

Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.

Kim: Uh, motherfucker trying to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash. I wanna shut that nigga down.

(photo kidnapped from dvdactive)

The Dreaded Hat

Three years into working at the Hellmouth, the cafe staff were forced to start wearing hideous corporate baseball caps. People walked out in the middle of their shifts, frowns were worn daily, and heated arguments were held in the backroom. No one was happy - especially me. Seven stopped by to lend his support and throw some humor around the place. He approached the counter, looked at my pouty face and said, "Miss Star, I feel you should embrace the hat by going with a sombrero." I lasted another half year and moved on. I couldn't take wearing that god-awful thing. Baby had to move on to greener pastures!

Absinthe

The drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly.

-Dylan Moran Black Books

Winter Blues

Conversation between Nicole and myself at my home - which has no heat - in the dead of winter, earlier this year:

Me gettin' dressed: Oh my God - these jeans are FREEZING!
Nicole: Why aren't ya wearin' yer long johns?
Me: No no no - those long undie-roos are for nite-nite time only.
Nicole, slightly irritated: Why?
Me: Cuz what if I'm in a car crash and some hot doctor sees me wearing old man undies. What will he think?
Nicole, deadpan: He'll think 'Damn, this girl's tryin' ta keep warm.'

Maybe it's because I heard her tone, but this still makes me laugh like hell.

Road House

(photo kidnapped from moviegoods)

Marci: I have half a mind to go home and watch Road House.
Melissa: You only need half a mind to watch Road House.

Gimme a Break

Marci and Melissa were out at the pool all day and around mid afternoon, Marci got stung by a bee. She then decided, hypochondriac that she is, that even though she was not allergic to bees last week, this week she was clearly allergic and my God, was about to go into anaphylactic shock at any minute. Melissa jokingly asked, "Do you want me to take you to the ER?" And Marci of course said, "I think you may need to." After rolling her eyes, Melissa got Marci an ice pack and had her relax for a second. After a few moments, Marci composed herself, turned to Melissa and in all seriousness said, "Whew, it was pretty touch and go there for a while." When Melissa told me this story I, like I'm sure most of you are wondering, asked, "What drama school did Marci attend?" Touch and go? Please.

So Uncalled For

Melissa just finished doing her hair and was overwhelmed at how perfect each curl turned out. She went downstairs on a gleeful cloud of happiness and said to her roommate, "Don't I totally look like Robert Plant?" Marci cigarette in hand like Bette Davis, looked up from reading her book and replied, "Oh, Robert Plant would never wear those plaid shorts." And promptly went back to her book. Ouch.

True Love

Last month I was hanging out with my two older brothers and of course, I brought over a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. Davy was upstairs getting one and as he came down the basement steps this is what he said:

I've never told anyone this, but I think about this story every single time I eat a donut. Freshman year, first day of school, it was bedlam. No one knew where to go and the halls were packed with confused pimple faced kids. I could not find my locker, but luckily I got one of the teachers to show me where it was. I walk up to it and written in Sharpie on my locker it said 'Davy makes out with donuts'. Not Dave, or Bill, or Mike, but Davy. 'Davy makes out with donuts'. I still can't believe it.

As for me, I have made out with many a donut and I've yet to be disappointed.

Revenge

Tuesday evening, December 7th 2004, Penny stopped into the Hellmouth for a visit on her way home from work. She wanted a warm treat for a cold night, so I whipped her up a 16 ounce Eggnog Latte. That's two shots of espresso and about 14 ounces of steamed eggnog. About forty minutes later a call came through to the café. Kenny picked it up and after about 40 seconds he doubled over laughing. Penny had said, "Tell Star to get rid of that nog - it's poison." Kenny asked, "Why, is it bad?" to which she replied, and I quote, "Let's put it this way, if Hitler came back as my toilet it would be truly unfair."
The next evening I emailed Penny to tell her how hilarious that line was and here is her reply:
I literally had to SPEED to my house and RUN into the bathroom. And that was only the first wave. It would be a true disservice if I didn't tell you to get rid of that stuff.
Yes, Hitler. i had to come up with some kind of measure of the gravity of the situation. Not just, 'Oh, it made my stomach hurt' or 'I was miscarrying Satan's baby'.
On the bright side I think I lost 15 lbs.
But today there is no more signs of poo-hell-itis. And if that drink turned me off eggnog forever, The Hellmouth will owe me retribution. I will have my revenge!!! KAHN!!!!!

Text Message from Fr. Michael

Okay so my newest client is a self-described "gay hater" and neo-nazi who wouldn't stop for a second if "my ex wife was being gang-raped by 100 men with AIDS." Such a joy this work is.....jesus wept!

You Said It

At the rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding, his friend and groomsman, Jim, got a little drunk and very out of control. Throwing around the f-bomb in front of my mom and generally just being loud as hell. His long suffering wife scolded him several times, but still he would not reel it in. I exchanged a knowing look with my brother, Wayne. He leaned over to explain to me, "Jimmy is like a forest fire - you can't put it out, you just have to try and contain it."

Melissa Speaks

"Why is it always middle-aged white men that are standing outside Women's Clinics and protesting against abortion? Your life is almost over - go home and relax."
Amen to that.

Email from Bishop

A dinner party, New Year's Eve 1994, at Star's posh house. Star has a few friends over for some light fare, booze, and merriment. Her friend Bishop is in rare form....

Bishop: I heard Faye Dunaway had her favorite dog made into a pair of boots. Well, that's nothing. Star had her second husband made into a small cagoule when he died.
Star: Don't be ridiculous, a cagoule? It was a small waist-ed evening jacket with Chanel buttons. And as in life he was a tight fit that never suited me well.

Oh how we do so love Absolutely Fabulous! This was without question, one of the funnniest damn emails I have ever received.

Danni's Rant

A few months after becoming single for the first time in several years, Danni went on a bit of a tear at the bar. She had not had much luck with the dates she'd been on and said to all who would listen, "What's wrong with me?? I mean, I'm pretty, I'm funny, I'm educated, I've got a great rack, and I'm sorry, but my vagina is beautiful." No surprise that the last comment made managed to turn a few heads.

Little Pedro

When Marina taught Spanish to second graders there was one little boy who was very against learning a new language. He became very upset and start whimpering like a little puppy. Marina took him out to the hall and asked him what was wrong. Peter explained that he didn't want to learn Spanish. Marina explained, "That's okay, I understand. Learning new things can be very scary but you have the whole school year to adjust to this and I promise that I will make it fun and exciting and that you will be totally fine in class. You don't have to worry." He calmed down a bit and went back to his desk. As class ended and the students went to their next class, Peter came up to her desk and said once again how he did not want to learn Spanish and that he will never get used to it. To make his point very clear he told her, "It took me a year, a year, to eat a slice, a slice, of a pickle." By the end of the year he would be known as Pedro, the boy who loved Spanish.

Slider & Iceman

Sandy, the sweet 40-something gal who worked up at Customer Service radioed to the Grocery Department and I answered the call. It went as follows:
"Hey Sandy, whatcha need?"
"Hey, can you check the back for Cloud Star Buddy Biscuits in Peanut Butter?"
"Sure, I did place an order, so let me check if they came in. Call ya right back."
I went to the stockroom and the order had not arrived. I then went to the nearest phone and responded,
"That's a negative, Ghost Rider."
This is a phrase that my brothers and I have worked into our daily speech simply because we watched Top Gun incessantly while growing up. For the first time in my life, I met someone who knew the proper response and I freaked out. Sandy answered back,
"Roger that, I'll clear the flight pattern."
That simple sentence bonded us permanently. She actually bought me a copy of the soundtrack and every time I hear Teena Marie's Lead Me On I can't help but think of Sandy. After that day she became known as Iceman and I was Slider.

Boris Yelnikoff

My favourite line from Whatever Works was when Larry David turns to a scantilly clad Evan Rachel Wood and says, "That's an awfully agressive ensemble, you looking to wind up in an abortion clinic?"

Robert Davi

Texting conversation between myself and Xavier:

Me: dude! Robert Davi put out an album of sinatra songs! it's really good - i think i'm gonna buy it.
Xave: Who?
Me: "Jake, up! Come on, move it!"
Xave: No shit! Jake Fratelli?
Me: the one and only! heard some of it at the movies last night and was blown away.
Xave: Just like fuckin' Saigon!
Me: I was in Junior High, dickhead.

(Davi fans will need no explanation.)

Mr. Ralston

While working in The Hellmouth one of our regulars, and later a café employee, was a hugely flamboyant and utterly hilarious fella named Buddy. He was as gay as a parrot flying from a tree in Liberace's garden and was loved by everyone who met him. Once a few of us were chatting about something funny that Buddy had done the other day and we must have mentioned his boyfriend or something when Jared said seriously, "Buddy's gay? Huh...wow. I had no idea." The next day when Buddy came in to work I said, "Oh my God, Buddy, Jared didn't know you were gay!" I can still see Buddy's expression at this. He paused, clearly in shock, mouth literally agape and quietly stammered, "Am I doing something wrong? How could he not know?" Honestly, I have no idea. Buddy was a hairstylist who wore eyeliner, glitter, and occasionally a skin tight girl's Wonder Woman t-shirt. I mean Jesus knew Buddy was gay, and I'm fairly certain that they've not met.

What are you good at?

At Bishop's the other night this question was one of many that we pondered on his couch. My reply? "Eating cookies. I can eat the fuck outta a cookie." Bishop then instructed me to "write that shit down" and add it to my Scraps blog. So I did.

Your Mama's so...

...black, she went to night school and got marked absent.

Now, normally, I am not a fan of the "Your Mama's So" jokes, but this one had me howling!

The Truth About Sam from True Blood

Overheard at Merlotte's, "God bless who made those jeans." (referring to owner and local hottie Sam Merlotte) "I'm serious. I'd wear him like a scrunchie." Well, honey, you ain't alone. Most certainly one of the series' funniest lines.

Predators

Last night I was watching Predators - starring that smoldering bookish bad ass Adrien Brody - with my little brother, Xavier. Half way in, Xave says, "Ya know Doug's dad was a mercenary."
"Doug Cunningham?"
"Yeah. And a Mormon. A Mormon mercenary."
"Don't hear that everyday."
"No, ma'am, ya don't."