Christmas w/Fr. Michael

Not being a fan of large crowds, I showed up extremely late at Michael's parents' home for Christmas Eve. Mostly everyone had gone and it was so much nicer. On the porch during our smoke break, Michael told me the following, "For this having been a Christmas party we only had one Christian family. The Lee's up the street are Buddhist, we had two Jewish families, the five Muslims from 7-11 that my father befriended, the Africans across the way there - he's a professor of African Religions so who knows what they're doing behind closed doors; cuttin' up chickens or something, and then we had a couple of Wiccans. All here to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Is my family crazy or what? But honestly, I wouldn't change a thing - everyone had a wonderful time and I'm so glad you came." So was I - but next year, I am definitely showin' up on time!

True Nightmare

Fr. Michael went to see the latest Nightmare on Elm Street when it was in the theatre. He was describing the clientele of the movie theatre and said that during one particular scene the "gentleman" behind him said, "Uh, huh huh, yeah....he gone fuck dat bitch hard." Michael turned to face this person and said, "Um, you're a farm animal."

Handy Men

Marc was in the garage working on a car with Xavier and he was using a wrench and no matter how hard Marc tried, it wouldn't budge. It got to the point where his hands were all red and sore. Marc looked down at them and then over to Xave and in a solemn voice said, "They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they? I always thought that's what they were..." Xavier, right on cue, followed up with, "My little friends...I couldn't hold on to them." And in unison they said, "They look like good, strong hands, don't they?"

(photo kidnapped from revelations-guild)

The Perfect Gift

Mom to her three year old:

"McKanna, what do you want for Christmas?"
"Um, a gorilla and post-it notes."

Fran's Advert

From Black Books:

"Thirty-something woman seeks solvent man for sex and possible friendship, sense of humour irrelevant."

This ad mirrors my own...

Zombie

Not too long ago Fr. Michael was humming a dreadful song in a high pitched voice and said to me, "This girl I knew in high school liked those Irish girls who squawked in the 90s." I asked, "The Corrs?" Then he sang some more and I figured out that he was singing Zombie by The Cranberries. I asked if that's who he was thinking and Michael said, "Yes! Oh they were the worst." I then admitted that I loved that group when I was in high school. "Oh really?! Their voices were horrible. I mean, Liza, what poor defenseless creature of the rain forest is being strangled to death on that song? It sounds like tropical birds dying." Ouch.

For Reals

Back in the Aisle days when I first started working with Joe AKA Gluegen Schlagen, we were working the pallets and putting stuff on shelves. I noticed Gluegs putting all the varieties of Bone Sucking Sauce in one clump. I pulled him aside in the aisle and told him how to read the tags and showed him the teeny tiny print on each jar. When I pointed out the different varieties his response of, "Are you serious?" was met with my, "I'm as serious as an erection problem." This was the moment when we bonded. Gluegs inhaled sharply and said, "That's pretty god damn serious." You're damn right it is.

Divas

At Laine's house the other day us gals were discussing celebrities and who we fancy. I said that Tom Cruise was a chest shaving weasel and I think it was Randall who said that she didn't care for Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson. That's when Laine stated, "Those two should get married." Right on cue, Epiphany said, "Can you imagine the diva cunt fit in that house?" Good lord, I don't even want to entertain that thought for an instant.

Oh Lord...

Sunday afternoon I stopped over with my Mum to see Nana. The two ladies were discussing that day's Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood. Apparently it was about John Wayne, or John Wayne's son. Anyway, I walked back into the room just as they were trying to remember The Duke's son's name. My grandmother struggled to recall it and said, "Was it Sean, Satan, Shane...." Satan? Yup, my nana seriously said Satan and my mother nearly peed her pants from laughing. By the way, his son's name was Ethan. Not anywhere near Sean or Satan or even Shane.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

(photo kidnapped from tvpopcrunch)

Watching season 1, episode 2 of The Tudors last night with Fr. Michael, there was a scene where Henry walks into the room shirtless. That's when Michael said, "Whew - he'd look good in a pair of soccer shorts, wouldn't he?" I imagine he would.

Do you mean...

Michael was telling me about the segment he saw of a country music awards show that featured a familiar face whose name slipped his mind. "Who was that black man that barked into the microphone in the 1990s?" What??!! Barked? Then he whined a few bars of a Hootie song and I said, "Do you mean Darius Rucker? From Hootie and the Blowfish?" To this day, I cannot think of Michael saying this without busting a gut laughing.

Concession

While waiting in line at the concession stand of Marina's local movie theatre, we stood, mouths agape over the prices. This is nothing new. Everyone who attends their local cineplex is appalled at what they charge. It's as if the theatre is unaware of the cost of these items in the real world. The small is 16oz, medium is 24oz, and then large is 64 oz. It makes zero sense. I turned to Marina and said, "This is ridackulous. It's like 'Ma'am what are your sizes and prices?' 'Well, we have an eyedropper for $4.25, a thimble for 5.25, and a trough for 5.75.' And therein lies the absurdity. The entire system of sizing and pricing was clearly set up by a team of brain dead orangutans." Marina and I then decided to leave the queue and head to theatre with only our saliva to subsist on.

Delicious Decisions

Fr. Michael and I went to Lena's this past weekend to get some homemade ice cream. The kids that work there have a tip jar that says Tips for College. While awaiting his sundae, Michael asked where the young ladies were intending to go to school. One was planning to study holistic medicine and massage therapy at a nearby institute while the other girl was hoping for a career in engineering. As we walked toward the car, Michael said, "Kids today are so intelligent. They have such a firm grasp on their future and what career choices they should be making. Me? 'Um, yes, I think I'll study religion and get my masters degree in theology so that I can work in the fitting room of The Gap at age twenty-nine.' Jesus wept! The choices I've made for myself often have me questioning my intellect and if I indeed have any at all."

Eric

(photo kidnapped from zimbio)

Discussing the men of True Blood with Michael, he went on a bit of a rant over what seems to be everyones favourite hunk on the show, Eric Northman played by Alexander Skarsgård. I think he's most certainly a handsome fella, but Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell) is the one who holds my gaze. Michael, ever the honest if slightly bitchy man that he is, said this of Eric, "He looks as though he had a peripheral role on some USA original series that ran for 3 weeks and was promptly canceled. There is nothing extraordinary about him whatsoever." Ouch! Luckily, Mr. Skarsgård won't lose an ounce of sleep over that comment. How could he hear it over the screaming adoration of three-fourths of the country's population - male as well as female? He couldn't.

Christian Dentistry

Fr. Michael was ranting about a local advert he saw on the telly the other night: "A commercial for Christian Dentistry featuring the dentist's children saying 'M'Daddy loves Jesus AND your teeth!' I wanted to immediately take up devil worshiping. I wanted to sell - no give - my soul to Satan. Liza, I need to find a new religion because I can't, I can't...Can you imagine going to the dentist and hearing about the Lord? Gimme a fucking break. I'd fuckin' kill myself. Unbelievable..."

P'shaw!

So I finally got a chance to catch up with Melissa the other night and she was filling me in on her weekend. Saturday night the hurricane was getting into full swing and Melis was on her feet all night at the restaurant. They decided to close early and she said that there was one older couple that seemed unfazed by the roaring winds and torrential downpour. Melissa told me, "This old guy was a total World War 2 vet - I could just tell from looking at him. I told him that we would be closing early cause of the storm and he looked at me as if to convey 'Hurricane? I killed Nazis fer Chrissakes. Bring me another scotch, sweetie!' I was almost furious with them for staying so late and drinking themselves into oblivion, but he referred to his wife at one point as his bride, so I couldn't stay mad." (As she told this story I pictured Carwood Lipton in a blue polo shirt and freshly pressed slacks with white leather loafers.)

Great Minds...

...think alike. Responses from myself and my brothers David & Xavier to an email sent from our mother:

Mum:
Hey I just heard that Joey Vento of Geno's steaks died of a heart attack. It is that damn cheese!

Sent from my iPad

Me:
good riddance. one less racist to plague our city.

Dave:
or the fact that he was a raging racist filled with hate....
Hate and cheese filling will eventually kill any man.

and Xavier:
Yay!!! I hated that guy!

(We are a family who hates hate.)

At His Request

Last night at Bishop's we were relaxing and watching random TV shows. During the break we saw an advert for Shark Attack 3-D or some such garbage. I turned to Bishop and said, "Ya know what 3-D is? It's James Blunt. We've seen what it can produce and we are no longer interested." Bishop cackled and then instructed me to immediately write that down and post it. I feel obliged to state that although I do not care for Mr. Blunt's song, I did see him on Top Gear and he seems like a lovely and charming man.

Holy Undiepants

Last night Fr. Michael and I were chatting and smoking out on his front porch and somehow the conversation turned towards Christianity, especially hard core crazy Christians. Michael spoke of Christ and who the man really was and what he stood for and I made the observation:
"Jesus was a laid back cat. He wore a dress and sandals. And I bet he didn't even sport undiewear."
There was a pensive pause and Michael finally said, "Well....I never gave that much thought, but I'm sure that's quite accurate." He then resumed his speech as normal.

We ♥ Charlie

(photo kidnapped from fanpop)

My entire family is mildly obsessed with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with the exception of my father, of course. Marines don't laugh.). Back in, I guess, late 2007/early 2008, I stopped over my parents' to find my mother watching the show. My mother is a nice Irish Catholic Girl from Hallahan, so the fact that she was watching Sunny was nothing short of astonishing. Apparently the rough and tough Jersey girls from her office were talking about the series and how incredibly hilarious it is and Mama Rose decided to see for herself. I walked in at the end of The Gang Finds a Dead Guy from season one and saw Charlie eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (what else could it be?) and wearing a Nazi officer's cap. I was instantly intrigued. This year all three of my brothers finally got around to checking it out and we are all equally in love with Charlie. The other night I showed Melissa the ep Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender chiefly for the scene in the Range Rover when Charlie screams like a little girl. Here are the texts sent between myself, Melissa, Xavier and Mum:

Melissa: I keep thinking of that scream all day, I keep randomly laughing out loud. ☺
then later: Honestly, can't stop laughing about charlie.

Xavier: Dude, Bosses was so good. charlie Day is awesome!!!

Star to Xavier: whenever charlie screams an angel gets its wings. of this i am certain.

Star to Mum: did you see Horrible Bosses w/barb??

Mum: Yes it was funny. I loved the 3 guys, especially Charlie.

Text Message from Marina

Ahahaha i literally just saw a man shaving while driving! With a bic no less!!! I would think hed want a quattro or something to avoid the inevitable knics that come w/the 'shaving-while-driving' move....

End of the Rope

Text from my brother Dave as he sat in Atlanta's airport:

I am sitting on the plane at the terminal, stuck for about 30 miinutes. We are still supposed to be in Philly at 3 am. A wee babe cries for his poppa just over my shoulder. Sweet, sincere and FUCKING ANNOYING. oh, and another wee babe begins to echo the first babes cries like they are communicating in some horrible chalkboard scratching like language. Truly a symphony.

I read it to Fr. Michael and rather than laugh, he said with wide eyes and a serious tone, "Is he a writer? He has a wonderful way with words. Very impressive."

Observation

A few weeks back, I was at work, so I left my house key in the mailslot for Amy to break in and relax until I got home. I left a Sweet Eats cupcake in the fridge and a stack of DVDs on the coffee table. She chose The Hangover because she had never seen it and had heard so much about it. At hour 7 at my job, Amy sent me a text:

Bradley cooper is not believable as a family man in hangover .

Anyone who has seen the film cannot disagree with that statement. But we all know that Coop was there for his pretty face and gorgeous bod. Well done on both counts, Bradley.

J.Lo

Conversation btwn Fr. Michael, his BF and Michael's BF's BFF:

E to his BFF: "Brigit, I think Jennifer Lopez is a-mazing."
Michael: "Actually, I would agree that she is a uniquely talented individual."
E (in a state of shock): "Reallllly???"
Michael: "Yes. She possesses the uncanny ability to function simultaneously as a god-awful actress, while singing off key and 'performing' as a talentless ghetto street-dancer all at the same time."

Die, Mommie, Die! (take two)

Another brilliant line written by and delivered by Charles Busch:

"Who are you, Tony Parker? You've slipped into my life as easily as vermouth into a glass of gin. Quickly, and just a bit too smooth..."

Genius!

Patsy's Best Line

(photo kidnapped from goddesssophiawalker)

Re-watching Absolutely Fabulous recently, I heard what can only be described as the funniest damn thing ever to be said by Joanna Lumley as Patsy Stone. She referred to Saffron as, "this little trail of cat sick." I literally had to pause the DVD so that my raucous laughter would not drown out the next 5 minutes. Ingeniously written and beautifully delivered - I simply cannot wait for the new episodes I heard will be aired later this year.

Jason Segel

Fr. Michael has stated on several occasions just how much he dislikes comedies. He especially detested I Love You, Man. Last night Michael and I were out and I held up a DVD copy of the film and teased him saying, "Would you like me to get this for your upcoming bday??" He gave me the evil eye, pointed to Jason on the cover and said, "How is he an actor? What McDonald's did they find him at?" I told him that I have adored Jason since Freaks & Geeks but Michael just gagged and told me to be still. Our taste in men are on total opposite sides of the spectrum.

(photo kidnapped from aceshowbiz)

What is behind door number one...

Years ago Melissa used to work one on one with an autistic boy named Stephen. Whenever at Stephen's house, Melissa made it a habit of tossing her bag in the closet. One afternoon while they were working, her cell phone went off. She had it set to vibrate and their work paused as Stephen's eyes widened with the buzzing sound coming from behind the closet door. Stephen pointed and hollered to Melissa, "There's a cow in the closet! There's a COW in the CLOSET!!" Melissa had to admit that the buzzing did have a moo like quality and Stephen was very relieved when he found there was no cattle in the closet.

Over-reactor

Marina went to my brothers' place last week to get an oil change and hang out with the gang. She picked up brownies ahead of time and brought them over for the kids. They were in the car in the heat for the drive over and therefore were warm as though just out of the oven. Little Z, who is seven, took a bite and said, "Why are these warm??" Marina looked right at him and in all seriousness said, "Because I farted on them." Clearly Marina is well aware that boys love to talk about farting and burping and anything gross, so she expected him to bust out laughing. He did not. Little Z burst into tears and even after Marina told him that she was joking, he refused to eat "The Fart Brownie." Lucky for his older sister, she didn't care what happened to the delicious treats-she gobbled hers down and went after Z's.

The Nail on the Proverbial Head

(photo kidnapped from krispykreme.co.uk)

When I told my brother Wayne (via text message) this morning that a Krispy Kreme will be opening a mere 15 minutes from my house, here was his response:
You lucky duck!! The chocolate doughnuts with white cream are little puffs of heaven filled with Angel clouds.

Dwight Schrute, I ♥ You!

"Why would I tip someone for something I can do myself? I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

Gaye

A few years back I ran into my friend Gaye, an older lady I befriended at The Hellmouth, when I was at work in The Aisles. She saw me chatting with Joe Dairy and later pulled me aside. "Is he a potential..." she asked with a wink and a nudge. "No, no, no, " I protested, "I'm old enough to be his mother, Gaye!" She deadpanned, "He may be young, but hey, as long as they know where to put it." Oh, my!

Insanity

Melissa called me the other day to tell me that her friend, Mandy - who we used to go clubbing with back in the day - called her in a manic moment saying that she would keep the child that she was pregnant with and wanted to know if Melissa and Alan would throw her a baby shower. Alan is Mandy's husband. Mandy is not pregnant with Alan's child. Alan is aware of this. Mandy is leaving to move to South America in a few months to be with the child's father. Oh, and she wanted to see if they could have the shower in Bill's backyard. Yeah...Bill is Melissa's ex who she no longer lives with and who was never fond of Mandy and Alan to begin with. Clearly if there is a God she will not carry to term. I'm shocked she managed to conceive in the first place seeing as she is heavily using prescription medication. Oh, and she met the father online and got pregnant cuz her period had just ended so she didn't think she could get pregnant. Apparently Mandy was absent that day in junior high when the sex ed teacher explained that a female can get pregnant anytime - before, during, and after her cycle. Good lord...I told Melis that my advice is to blow her off. Mandy is clearly no longer operating out of her right mind.

The Truth Hurts

Bishop and I were hanging out and the news came on with a story about women being bamboozled through online dating sites. They said that many women between the ages of 40 and 55 who are seeking relationships online seem to be more susceptible to scams. One psychiatrist said that it was because women of that age tend to fall in love easier than younger women. I found this statement to be so absurd that I couldn't help but blurt out, "Please. Just call it what it is: Desperation."

Birthday Hell

Fr. Michael was telling me that his boyfriend, E, decided one evening to announce his birthday plans: "I was thinkin' that for my birthday I'm gonna get like a party bus to take me and like twelve friends to a bunch a different bars. It's 800 bucks. We can afford it if we ask everyone to pay for it." Michael's response? "Star, can you believe this shit? I mean, have I adopted a thirty year old child? I need to be gettin' some money from the damn state for raising this fool, cause this shit is ridiculous." It needs to be stated that E expects the guests to chip in for the bus as well as buy him a gift or gifts and pay for drinks at every bar. Kids these days...

Dear Iggy Pop,

(photo by Annie Leibowitz kidnapped from hollywoodtoday)

It's official, you've hit the big time. My 89 year old grandmother actually said to me the other day, "Dear, I am in love with that Iggy...Iggy Pop is it? Well, that John Barry song that he sings, We Have All the Time in the World, that you copied for me, I simply adore it. That young man has such a unique and lovely voice!"

LBJ

My BFF's father, Mark, was a constant source of humour in our childhood. We were reminiscing the other night about the time Amy's brother, and his friend, Carl, were over. Carl saw that Amy was reading a book about LBJ and asked, "Hey, Amy, what's that book about?" Mark turned down his newspaper and said, "You mean to tell me that you don't know who Lyndon BAINES Johnson is???" Carl replied in all seriousness, "Is she a tennis player?" Mark just grumbled under his breath and went back to his paper.

I Am Sawyer

I have a knack for giving nicknames to co-workers and regulars. The inspiration for all of this came from Cerpts, who I believe is responsible for giving Grey Haired Skank her name. Until I knew this I referred to her as Flintstone Feet. Here are some of my gems:

Hamburger Face

Sassy Britches

Footface

Hot Flash

Sexy Sleeves

Mr. Shit

Skullet Rob

Tapeworm

Starchy Pants

Clipboard

Mr. & Mrs. Mocha

Move Over Joan Crawford...

(photo kidnapped from allthingscrawford)

...there's a new diva to be reckoned with, and her name is Bishop. Last night Bishop and I were hanging out when we came upon the topic of this new thing with kids using bath salts as drugs and Bish went bananas. I mean, he lost his damn mind. He started ranting and yelled, "These mutha-fuckers are fuckin' up my bath time!!" Hmmm....gangsta, yet girly. Interesting combination, don't you agree? Don't fuck with this drama queen's bath time, cuz he'll cut a bitch. And you know it.

At Last

Fr. Michael informed me, tongue-in-cheek, just the other day that, "It's taken two thousand years, but Pope Benedict has finally exonerated the Jews for the death of Christ." Well thank goodness. I'm sure there were legions of Jews up nights worrying themselves sick over this. Maybe a few Romans as well, perhaps?

Sassy Scott

During game night at my brothers, we were playing Uno Attack! when the topic of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan came up. I said, "When I heard that the tsunami was heading to Hawaii my first thought was seriously, 'Oh my God, I hope Scott Caan is okay!' - it's twisted but I honestly was kinda concerned." Then from the other room, my brother Dave said, "He was in the air with T.C. so he's cool, don't worry." Nice reference, bro.

Die, Mommie, Die!

(photo kidnapped from playbill)

There are so many fabulously funny lines in Die, Mommie, Die! However, my personal favourite is when Angela's husband tells her, "Nobody would hire you to sing at a dog fight." Ouch! That's gotta sting....

Charlie Sheen

My father stated today that he feels that Charlie Sheen is "a two legged rectum." Well, there ya have it.

Mother!

Weaving around the many people clustered together and walking to their cars in the Whole Foods lot, my mother noticed an older man wearing an ashen white face and looking cold and tired. I did not take note of this man since I was scoping out parking spots for her. So imagine my surprise when out of the clear blue nowhere my Irish Catholic mama says, "Him pale face." WTF??? Him pale face? Really? Really?? Well thank you for that commentary, Mrs. Silverheels. Yeesh...

The Tragedy of 2008

Years ago I was at Bishop's house and an advert for A Raisin in the Sun starring Sean P. Diddy Diddy Puffy Puff Daddy Combs came on the telly. Bishop clutched his head in pain and screamed "What??!!?" From the computer desk in the next room we heard Bishop's husband, Pax, say, "What next? Britney Spears in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?? 'Hey y'all, I think, like, Maggie the Cat is alive er sum'in'...' Oy vey!"

Bernard Black

"Excuse me, there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money."
"That's how much it costs."
"Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some sort of dizzying high or....?"

The Truth Is Out

Hanging out with my friend Joesph the other night, he was telling me that he always feels like people think he's shop lifting when he wears his puffy black coat. I said it was a normal jacket and there's no way anyone would suspect him based solely on his choice of outerwear. I asked if he ever shoplifted and he said, "No, no. Never. Oh, no wait. Yes. When I was bingeing I used to steal candy bars. I was making $35,000 a year and I was stealing candy. (long pensive pause) I've had some interesting chapters in my life..."

Takers

Marina, Cole, and I went to see this cinematic gem not too long ago. Suffice it to say that the film was as dreadful as I knew it would be. But my niece wanted to see it, so Marina and I assailed our eyes for the evening. My favourite part was when T.I. said to Michael Ealy something along the lines of, "You took my money, you took my bitch..." That's when Marina turned to Cole and I and said, "He must have really loved her..." Yeah, totally. If you get an opportunity to see this film - turn it down.

Meditate on this for a piece...

Melissa came home the other day to find her psychologically unbalanced roommate at the computer with Facebook pulled up on screen. Marci turns to Melissa and says, "I was just talking with Amy. She said Adam [Amy's 34 year old husband] had a stroke." Melissa gasped and responded, "Oh my god, is she alright? Is Adam okay???" Ever the caregiver, Marci says,"Please! I'm living with a thyroid condition! It's only a stroke." Self absorbed much??

From The Mouths of Babes

When my friend's son was still in diapers, she told me that every single time she would change him as soon as the diaper came off he'd yell, "THERE IT IS!! It's my penis!!"

Then when my nephew was about three he was downstairs watching TV and started screaming for his mother. She ran downstairs to find him pantsless and shouting, "Mom! Mom! My wee-wee's standing up!!!!!" When she asked how that had happened, he proudly told her, "I did it!!"

And finally, when my friend, Clara's son first discovered his penis he was constantly masturbating. Clara pulled him aside and told him that's something to do in private. A week or so later she called him in for dinner and he by passed the kitchen and went towards his bedroom. "Justin, I said it's dinner, where are you going?" His response? "Mom, I gotta go rub."

The Cat That Will Never Be

Not terribly long ago Wayne, Marina, and I were on our way to Delaware. I was the one stuck in the back seat and I was in a foul mood. Wayne, in trying to draw me into the conversation occurring up front, asked, "Hey, Star, if you had a cat, what would you name it?" Without thinking I responded, "Death. So I could drown it." After I calmed down, I said it would be Alice for a girl and Scuttlebutt, Scut for short, for a boy. I'm not much of a pet person.

God Bless The USPS

While driving home from work, Marina was stopped at a light, leaning her weary head upon her wrist and looking out the passenger window. She saw a postal worker out on his route who was 6'1", with enormous biceps that strained against his light blue shirt, a shaved head and skin like The Rock's; he was nothing short of pure perfection. She later told me that he was, "The very picture of who you want to come to your door were you to hire a stripper."

Oh Lord...

This piece, done by my cousin Ryan, was purchased by me and now hangs proudly above my fireplace. A few weeks back, my friend Katherine saw it and asked, "Why do you have a picture of Saddam Hussein on your wall?" After my mother and I laughed our asses off, Mama said, "Um, Kath, that's Duke Ellington." Yeah, Katherine wasn't even close.

The Saved Texts

From Fr. Michael after telling him that Susan Lucci was to be on Dancing with The Stars:
"omg, i know i love her like the baby jesus"

From Kaitlyn, fellow Harry Potter reader - July 20th 2007:
"Can u believe it? The last potter book! I'm so excited!"

From Melanie on January 16th 2009:
"Just a friendly reminder to shave your crotch January 20th. It's the last day for Bush."

From Blaine:
"jesus fucking handgrenades what kinda movie was duane hopwood?!"
(it'll tear your heart out.)

From Amy, fellow Blues Brothers fanatic:
"Im in KC. Awesome band called 4 fried chickens & a coke"

From Mum after an allergic reaction to a new makeup:
"Call me before you go to Philly. Stay Puft Marshmallow lady? Yeah."

From Marina, fellow lover of The O.C.:
"Gentiles - theyre just not funny...Sandy cohen is a jew after my own heart!"

From Ryan regarding his gorgeous sketch of Duke Ellington:
"Sold 2 u, the highest bidder, the only bidder, miss star, patron to the arts and the worlds coolest cousin :)"

Early morning text from Ash, sleeping in the next room:
"Sugar pie! Get you little butt out of bed and come say goodmorning to me :)"

Fr. Michael after going several weeks without seeing one another:
"I've missed u like cigarettes and the smooth caramel rear ends of young hispanic men;)"

From Kristin Jackson 8:26pm Sept. 25th, 2010:
"Did all the back up vocal and dancers hair for Katy perry on snl today I'm here right now!!"

From Ronny after being told that The Doobie Bros. got back together:
"oh man, the Doobie Brothers are back together! Jack T Colton must be fired up!"
and when asked, "What does the T. stand for?" he replied
"Trustworthy. Now I ain't cheap but I can be had"

From Melissa (this makes me laugh b/c it's such an absurd thing to ask):
"Hi, what is in those socks we were talking about?"

Not quite...

See if you can guess the lines that certain family members misheard from famous songs:

♫You know this lunch is for you

♪The cross eyed bear

♫Two Pop Tarts

♫He seems to have a Billy Bob touch and... (no lie, my father used to sing this for real)

♪One of these days I'm going to bury you in my rose garden.