Bday Discussion

Today Bishop and I were talking about our childhood and teenage crushes. In grade school my crush was the über dreamy Michael J. Fox. I loved him on Family Ties and no one was cooler than Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Even now, some (oh my god!) twenty five years later, he's still cool, still handsome as ever, and just an all around great guy. Bishop, on the other hand, said his main squeeze was Roger Taylor of Duran Duran. Bishop would sit in his room and daydream about all the adventures they'd have together someday. We then moved on to older crushes. In high school Bishop went nutty over Andy Fletcher from Depeche Mode while I was completely in love with Eddie Vedder. So much so in fact, that I was devastated (you know how dramatic teenage girls can be) when I read that he was to be married. Bishop chuckled when I shouted, "THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!! HE WAS MEANT TO MARRY ME!!!!" At the time, I really was upset. I was a huge loser (read: outcast) throughout most of grade school and all of high school and spent a majority of my time dreaming of better days to come when Eddie Vedder would find me and together we would make beautiful music together. (Sounds like the making of a classic Carpenters' song, eh?) Anyway, Bishop responded to my cries of despair with, "That bastard. He tore your heart right out, didn't he?" To which I added, "Yeah, tore it out, threw it in a blender, drank it, then regurgatated it and fed it to baby birds."
(I'd like to add that I am, and have been for quite some time, totally over Mr. Vedder. However, Bishop still holds a very large torch for Roger. Look out Mrs. Taylor, there's a strapping young hunk lookin' to steal your man.)

Another Memory from My Aisle Days

This morning I remembered the time a few years back when the talk in the backroom was of the then recent picture capturing Ms. Britney Spears and her vagina. I walked back there just at the end of a conversation and Simon turned to me and said, "Y'know, it kinda makes a guy feel special. I mean, I got to see something that Justin Timberlake didn't. I feel good about this."

Matt from The Aisles

I used to work with this kid Matt who was serious, almost stoic, and very difficult to read, but in the end one would discover that he was really a beautiful guy. One day we were in the bulk closet, he on the phone, I waiting to ask him a question. Apparently, the customer asked where the holiday foods and such were specifically located. Matt replied, "Our holiday merchandise is sprinkled throughout the store," and motioned with his hand like he was a one of Barker's Beauties. I had to cover my mouth so as not to bust out laughing. The best part was the look of confusion on his own face after he said "sprinkled." Later, as we left the closet, I asked what in the hell made him say sprinkled and he became slightly irate, turned back to me and whisper-shouted, "Man, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing taday. It's fuckin' bedlam in this place. I mean, I'm lookin' for fig spread in the specialty section and I don't know what the hell that even is!" In his frustration, his outburst left me in stitches.

Cerpts & Bishop

Years ago at the Hellmouth, if I recall the story correctly, Cerpts & Bishop were in the break room chatting. They had only been working together for a brief time at this point and had discovered in one another a common thread. Food. They apparently got into a deep discussion of what each one's finest meal was, and at one point Cerpts said, "You should come over to my place one day and I'll make dinner and you can bring dessert." Bishop replied with mock surprise, "You'd let a black man in your house?" "Well, somebody has to serve us," Cerpts deadpanned thus making Bishop howl out loud. Ya gotta love that Cerpts.

Gurt Turns a Phrase

Back in my market days, I was helping Gurt out in the dairy cooler. He always had the greatest way of saying something so common yet so strangely uncommon and cracking me the hell up. This day he went to lift six plastic wrapped sour cream containers, two of which had cracked open and leaked all over the other four. Gurt grabbed it by the top and dropped it into his other hand, thus realizing that breakage had occurred, and said, "Uh! Felt like a dirty diaper." Best description of anything I've ever heard.

Fr. Michael Gets Offensive

Thursday night at quarter to nine, Fr. Michael and I went to a Health Food Restaurant near my place. It's supposed to be open until ten, but when we walked in they told us that they were in fact closed. It should be noted that the waitress who informed us of this was standing directly beneath a flashing neon "open" sign. Fr. Michael had been looking forward to this particular eatery, but I explained that they may be closing early because of Hanukkah since the place was run by Jews. (I assumed this because they were closed on Yom Kippur & Rosh Hashanah. Apparently I crave the company of young Jewish waiters on the Holy Days of the Jewish faith. Who could blame me?) Once inside the car, Michael announced his displeasure by saying, "Christ killers" under his breath. I then suggested that we give the Afghan place a whirl. We pull up just to see the hostess click off the "open" sign. Then as we pulled away to give the Indian restaurant a try, Michael says, "Fuckin' Taliban. No room at the fuckin' inn ta-night." I found all of these outlandish remarks to be somewhat hilarious because they were all clearly said to shock me and I know where his heart really lies. Also, we were able to get some grub at Coriander and it was delicious.

Despair on the Flip Side

A girl I used to know told me that when her baby brother was little he was incessantly tortured by Preston, the family dog. Preston would bite Christian's ear, step on him, and knock him over on a daily basis. Years later, Erin was taking the family's coffee table with her to college. Loading it into her car she noticed something carved into the bottom. It said "I HAT PRESTON."

'Tis the Season??

This time of year always reminds me of a horrifying story Melissa once told me. When she and I first met, Melissa was dating, oh, let's call him Orville; well, on their first Christmas together, Melissa wanted to get a little something for his mother, so she picked out a sweet little angel figurine. Caught unawares, Mother's expression let on that she had nothing to reciprocate. A normally sane woman would lie through her teeth and say something like, "Oh, I haven't wrapped yours yet!" or "Drats, your gift hasn't arrived yet!" She could have even been honest and explained that she didn't realize they were exchanging gifts. Any of those would have been acceptable. But Orville's mom went with, "Oh, um, uh, I have your gift...but it's upstairs. Let me run and get it." As Orville and Melissa sat waiting they could hear the sound of paper rustling and stumbling around as if to find something to wrap up and give. Again, a normal person would take a frame from the wall, remove the photo, and wrap it on up. No, that was not the case in this scenario. Orville's mother came downstairs after nearly fifteen minutes with an oblong item in her hand, wrapped in wrinkled reindeer paper. Intrigued, Melissa opened the package to reveal...a Hickory Farms turkey stick. Well, y'know, it's the thought that counts, right?

The Howard Family

When my mother was a kid her best friend was Marge Howard. Marge's family was nothing short of completely bizarre, but in a somewhat endearing and adorable way. A prime example of their weirdness would be the time her older brother Gerry came strolling down the staircase with the bedroom door under his arm. Mr. Howard, seated in the worn-in plaid Barcalounger, looked up and asked, "Where do you think you're going with that?" Gerry nonchalantly replied, "Ah, don't sweat it, Pops, I'll bring it back." Mr. Howard responded with, "See that you do, son," and went back to his pipe and paper. Another time, the house had been burglarized and no one noticed until Mr. Howard went to lean on the television set and fell to the floor. However, my all time favourite story of this wacky group was when my mother was in 7th grade and went to meet Marge so they could walk to school together. Marge was feeling under the weather and Mrs. Howard was taking her temperature in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, she was taking Marge's temperature rectally - in front of my mother. Mum says that to this day she is still horrified by that image that she somehow cannot erase. Yikes.

Ignorance Is Bliss Only for the Ignorant

The market I once worked at had its share of really obnoxious and rude customers. My favourite was without a doubt the uppity old white broad who walked up to Christian (a rather unpleasant young Latino) and plainly said, "Do you speak English?" She then walked over to Will (very full of himself white boy) and stated, "I can't believe they let blacks in here. You know that they don't have any money." Some people should not be allowed to leave the house without their conscience and a decent dose of humanity.

Marina's Faux Pas

Driving down 561 a few years ago, a fox lept out in front of my little Saturn and then quick dashed back into the thicket. The conversation between myself and my beloved cousin is as follows,

"Jesus freakin' Christ Almighty, I nearly ran that fucking fox down."

"(enormous laughter) A fox? Um, that was a chihuahua, honey. 'A fox.' You are too much."

I think: "Whhhaaaaat?? That was so a fox, is she on crack again??"

Mr. Schnell

Back at the Hellmouth, there was a fabulous old coot who had a colourful way of describing the customers. Specifically it was the ones that wanted to purchase only the newest fad book, like the Oprah book club books or The DaVinci Code. As if heaven forbid they should veer out on their own and choose a selection that spoke to them. These people, as Schnell pointed out to me, were fucking lemmings who were "as useless as fucking clown shoes." And what could be more useless than clown shoes?
It should be noted that Schnell could never, ever pass up a sale of any kind. A week after Halloween one year he was in Rite Aid and cleaned them out of monster slammer stuffed animal heads. They went down to 90% off and it's how I acquired my Frankenstein and Wolfman slammers. Thanks again, Schnell!

Marina Refuses to Hold Back

A handful of years ago, my cousin Marina was visiting her mother's side of the family in Philly. When the night came to a close, she went to drive her grandfather home - in his car. When they approached the front of his city row home, there was a neighbor's gi-wombus pickup parked in Marina's grandad's spot. The spot that is clearly marked with two handicapped parking signs. Marina double parked, threw on her hazards and went a-knockin' on the bastard's door. He was home but refused to answer the door. Marina called the cops, helped her grandfather to his house and left this on a note pinned to the thief's windshield:
"To park in the handicapped spot of an eighty-two year old man who recently had hip replacement surgery is despicable."
I hope he read that note the next day and felt two decades worth of remorse and pain all in one instant. However, it was Port Richmond, so the chances he could read were slim at that.

Cuteness From Blaine

Back when I worked the café at the Hellmouth, I would often times sneak over to the cage in the music department. Once while back there hanging out with Blaine the Music God, I noticed a giant rubbermaid trashcan with a lid and a vacuum hose attached. I inquired and he said it was used to get the packing peanuts out of incoming orders and save them for future shipments. Being a child of five years old, I became ecstatic and clasping my hands together in glee asked, "Next time will you page me so I can come and use the peanut vacuum? Pretty please??" Blaine, being the most hilarious and adorable man to ever exist responded, "Sure. You can suck my nuts anytime." Only he could deliver a line so crass, but make it sound terribly endearing.

In Honour of Her Bday...

Today is Princess Brooklyn's birthday, so I was reminded of one of her cutest musings. Back in 2003 we were on the AIDSwalk and on West River Drive we witnessed a dog defecating on the side of the road. Brooklyn immediately turned her head away in disgust and shouted, "UGH! I hate dogs that do that!"

Wisdom from Fr. Michael

"Attractive gay men don't have gas."

Dated Humour

I recently found a print out of an email from my favourite uncle on my mother's side. It was sent to my brother Dave on January 8th 1997 just before Davy was to leave for Canada. At that time, he and Uncle John were big into cigar smoking so Davy wanted to inquire as to whether or not he should try to bring back some Cuban cigars. I found the email to be hilarious then as well as now. See for yourself:

Subject: Cubans Crossing Canadian Border

Don't do it. Inside sources tell me you'll never make it. The Royal Mounties take border banditos very serious. In other words, the likelihood of success is on par with winning the million dollar lottery, or Liz Taylor remaining single for more than a week, or Arnold Swazzennagger being cast as Pee-wee Herman in the movie biography, "Pee Wee, Leave That Alone."

Family Time

A few months back I was hangin' out at my parents' place with the fam. Dave was crashed out on the sofa, me Da was channel surfing, Xavier was face down on the family room floor, and me & Mama were sittin' in the kitchen chattin' away. Suddenly the surfing stalls on "Out of Africa." My mother, being a heterosexual female of a certain age, has a deep adoration for Robert Redford so no one was surprised when she let out a gasp as his gorgeous puss crossed the screen. "Ooo-Ooo!! Honey, leave it just for a sec. Mmm...I love this scene. Tom, now how come you've never washing my hair like that??" Dave replied, "Yeah, keep dreamin' Ma." Then from out of nowhere, Xave, who we all assumed was passed out cold, says, "Uh-huh, 'Out of Africa' starring zero black people. Should be called 'Out of South Africa.'" Well, thank you, Paul Mooney.

We ♥ Fr. Michael

When I was workin' the café one lovely Monday evening, I was chatting with Franny from the bookstore side when Fr. Michael strolled on in and up to the counter. He greeted us with his usual charm but then paused when he noticed, then inquired about a certain bruise on Franny's neck. She laughed, blushed a bit, and explained, "Oh, my boyfriend and I had too much to drink last night and we got a little crazy." Fr. Michael raised his eyebrows and stated, "Well, that's what I call makin' good use of the Lord's day."

A Gem from Jon Stewart

"Condoleezza Rice, elegantly attired in the skin of an old Barcalounger." -from an old ep of The Daily Show.

Star's New Word

Those who know me are aware that back in 2001 I coined the term "peepod." Example: "Be right back, I gotta hit the ladies and peepod before I self-destruct." Or, "May I use your peepod?" Basically if you hear anyone use this phrasing, chances are they know me.

Bishop's favourite was one that I came up with last year. It's a slight twist on the new version of ridiculous, which is ridonkulous. Here is an example of mine: "So, that Indiana Jones IV? Yeah, it was ridackulous." I define it as being absurd beyond the realm of human comprehension.

So, the other day I was at my parents' place and needed to peepod. I went into the downstairs powder room and when I looked at the seat I saw what can only be referred to as follows. Okay, so, you know - and I apologize for getting a bit graphic - alright, so y'know when you take a shit and find yourself wiping several times to remove said fecal matter from your bottom? After a while, the TP begins to shred a bit against the er, anal shrubbery, if you will, and leaves little poo covered pieces of Cottonelle on the back of the seat. I declare them to be known from this day forth as Ass Brumbles. Or, if you are speaking to children, I recommend the more polite, Bum Brumbles. Bishop says I oughta add it to Urban Dictionary. Whaddya think??

Gross Comments from An Expectant Mother

Back when I worked at The Pier, my manager was a cold and irrational woman named Clare. She was a rather husky gal, conceived by what I can only assume were two Grizzly bears. One evening while working alongside both Melissa and myself, Clare pointed out that she was feeling nervous about the upcoming delivery. She went so far as to inform us that not only her husband, but also her previous lover had remarked about how tight she was - down there. After throwing up a bit in our mouths, we then managed to continue working with her for the remainder of the evening. Come the next day however, we could no longer contain ourselves and proceeded to tell all of our other coworkers what Beast had said. Every single one of them gasped aloud and wore a horrified look whose equal I've yet to see again. Kent broke through the silence when he shouted, "Tight? Who is she kidding. She could birth Idaho through those hips!!" In truth, she really could.

CSI: New Jersey

Back when I lived at home, my first car was parked in the street and sadly, was the victim of a hit and run. The next morning my mother, my little brother, Xavier(who was about fifteen then), and I were out by the curb, surveying the damages. Xave said, "Hey, looks like a Cougar hit ya, Sis." Mama Rose furrowed her brow and scowled, "Oh, stop it, what are you even talking about?" Xavier matches her confusion and replies, "No, Ma, a Cougar, a Mercury Cougar, the car. Not a freakin' mountain lion." A proud gasp escaped Rose's lips as she exclaimed, "Oh my word! Can you tell that from the skid marks??" "Uh, no, Ma, the ornament from the grill is right there. That's Mercury's Cougar." "Oh. Well, that is still very observant of you, son." "Thanks, Mom. I do what I can."

Happy Bday Nana Irma!

In honor of the family matriarch's 88th year, I want to share a favourite story of my Nana and how she dispensed her wisdom with total honesty. A handful of years ago, Nana had to pick up my cousin at high school and when she arrived, Nana found Hope with a group of friends, both male and female. There was Hope, front and center, kneeling down in front of one of the boys. Nana rolled down the window of the Caddy, snapped her fingers and ordered Hope to immediately get in the car. Once inside, she could sense Nana's disappointment. "Hope, I am appalled. You never kneel in front of someone unless they're a statue!"

Californication

Being a gal of very small means who cannot afford television, I am very much behind on my favourite TV shows. I finally caught up with Hank and the gang out in LA and this line from Marcy Runkle in season 2 had me in tears:
"Your hair is so gorgeous I wanna chop it off and sleep in it."

Heidi Fleiss

"If Patti Smith & Karen Carpenter had a baby and then peed on it." - Mike from Frozen
Now granted this comment came well after Ms. Fleiss' fifteen minutes were up, but I totally agree with Mike's theory of how she came to be.

Bill from Produce & His Ignorant Customer

Customer: "Do you have sliced mushrooms?"
Bill slides to the left and points out: "Oh, yeah, they are right here, ma'am."
Customer: "Whoa. It's not my job to come in here and read. That's your job."

Back at the Aisles

Hanging out in grocery one day with Crazy Mike and Gluegens, I saw a mother and her five year old walk past and noticed that the little girl had a pacifier in her mouth. Way to start her off on the path to lifelong oral fixation, right? In my anger at such poor parenting, I turned to my co-workers and said, "Give that kid 11 years and she'll be givin' blow jobs to truck drivers in a seedy lot somewheres off the turnpike. Mark my words." Crazy Mike, without hesitation replied, "Well, God Bless her."

Definition of the Day

Gentleman

A well-mannered and considerate man with high standards of proper behavior.
-American Heritage Dictionary

"I mean I thought a 'gentleman' was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible."
~Dave Foley "Blast From The Past"

"In order to be considered a gentleman, it is required that one has seventy-five percent of his teeth."
~Fr. Michael

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others rather than his own; and who appears well in any company; a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."
~John Walter Wayland

Gurt Takes A Call

"Dairy pick up on line one. Dairy, line one."
"Dairy Department, Gurt speaking, how can I help you?"
"Yeah, dya have Homo-Genocide milk?"
long, long pause..."Uh......ho-mogenized?"

Herbert Morrison, Jr. I Presume...

Melissa loves to tell the story of the time her dog, Sarah, got loose and I love to hear it told. She was still living at home with her Dad and stepmom when this went down. Sarah had gotten out and Melissa's stepmother was beside herself. Melis suggested that they take their cars and drive around to look for Sarah while Dad would wait at home. They circled the neighborhood and eventually Melissa met up with Mary. They stopped and as they rolled their respective windows down, Mary, her face red and streaked with tears, clutched her chest and sobbed, "Ohhhhh the hu-man-ity!!! What a nightmare! Why do things like this happen in the world? Why?!" Melissa replied, "Oh please," and drove home where they found Sarah napping beside the barcalounger.

Stephen Colbert

A handful of years ago I caught Monsieur Colbert speaking to a woman from Ohio on The Daily Show. I think she was the current governor, but it is quite possible that I am completely wrong, though I seriously doubt it. Anyway, Colbert was interviewing this gal and said the following, which I find to be sensationally amusing: "Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" Clearly, she had no response.

Bill From Produce Dispenses Wisdom

"Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance."

Gems from Bishop

Penelope: "Dya know how Thomas Jane proposed to Patricia Arquette?"
Bishop: "Uh, with a cheeseburger in his hand?"

Star: "Okay, Bish, I wanna borrow a really bad movie from you with a really hot guy in it..."
Bishop: "Oh! You wanna borrow 'The Transporter,' dontchya?"

While watching Chicago performing "If You Leave Me Now" on VH1's best of the 70s (or something along those lines):
"Peter Cetera's hair looks like a duck's ass. Look at those feathers!"

Penelope: "You have to admire the fact that Bobby Flay answers all of his fan emails."
Bishop: "Anything to keep him from cooking."

One night, driving back from The Ritz, Bishop hit one of those potholes only found in Jersey or Somalia. And he hit it hard. Ka-blam!!
"JES-SUS! Did I just run over a fucking DONKEY???"

Very Silly Lame Joke That I Love

So my adorable cousin Jason told me and Marina this little joke and had us in stitches. His delivery is impeccable and always followed by a schoolboy giggle like Russell Crowe's. Okay, here it is.
A psychic little person escapes from prison. The headline the next day reads - "Small Medium at Large."

Fear Begins at The Workplace

Back at the Hellmouth when I worked the café, we had just hired a very strange girl for our newest barista. Str-ange. And this is me saying this, okay? So this chick, let's refer to her as Helga, well, she was working with our resident dredlocked hunk, who was not terribly crazy about Helga, her wardrobe, her neediness, or her overly enthusiastic behaviour. She turns to our café hotboy and says out of nowhere, "I have to take Mordecai to the doctor's after work today." His response? "Is that your bird?" I guess I find this so funny b/c Mordecai was actually one of Helga's roommates. She was living with a married couple who welcomed her in as the third party in their West Hollywood style sexual proclivities adventure. I don't wanna judge, but I met this couple. Looked like they just got rejected at a casting call for extras in a David Lynch film. These people were sideshow scary, ya know what I'm sayin'? I was grateful when she left and took her lovers with her.

Nick Drake Squared

Star: Hey, you know who I think you'll like? Nick Drake. I can make you a cd if you want.
Simon: Nick Drake? Does he wear a cape?
Star: What??
Simon: I dunno. Nick Drake. Sounds like the sorta guy that'd wear a cape.


A few months back Melissa was over and we were chillin' on my couch, catching eachother up on things when her cell rang. "Hmm...It's Bill [her ex who does not work in produce]...Do you mind if I take it?" She answers and this is what I hear: "Hi...Wait, what? What's wrong?....Did you check the kitchen table?....OHKAY, calm down. I don't have them. The last time I saw them you left them on the table for me to listen to but I forgot to take them...Bill...I'm sorry! Geez, did you check the living room?...Okay, well I don't know what to tell you...Fine...Okay. Bye." Click.
"What was that about?"
"I don't even know. He was flipping out yelling, 'Where the fuck are my Nick Drake cds?!! Melis, I wanna take a hot bath and listen to my fuckin' Nick Drake cds!!!!' He's out of his mind."
Rest assured, for we received a text twenty minutes later: "Found em." Well thank the Lord. I mean how can a grown man expect to take a hot bath without his Nick Drake cds. Weeks later when I tried to tease Bill he wouldn't have it, "What? A hot bath is only complete when Nick Drake is playing." Each his own, right?

A Faux Pas à la Papa

Back in the day, which actually was a Wednesday in this case, I was getting ready to leave to go to the club for Goth night. I still lived at home and when I came downstairs in a floor length black ballroom skirt, tight black lycra shirt and black eyes like Joan Jett, my father seemed slightly confused. It then dawned on him that I was going out. He then asked me, "Oh! So you're going out with the darkies tonight? ...pause... You know, the darkies, the people of the night." Luckily we stopped him before he was able to swallow his entire foot.

Looks Can Be Deceiving I Guess

Bill from produce was telling me one day of the time he and a buddy of his were in Chicago for a Leather Convention. At nightfall they got dressed and headed to the elevator. Bill was in his usual attire for a night at the leather bar: Levi's 505's, leather chaps, engineer boots, no shirt, leather vest and leather jacket. Topped off with Master's cap to let the boys know he means business. Once in the elevator, an older gentleman nudged Bill with his elbow, winked and said with complete sincerity, "Gonna be knockin' the ladies dead ta'night, eh fellas?!" Um...if by ladies you mean queens, then yes. That is absolutely their intention. Something tells me he needs to take his gaydar in for inspection.

The Maria Puzo of St. Louis

A few weeks back Laine and I were out for the day with her mother, the lovely Mrs. Kohl, of the Kohls of Missouri. Well, Mrs. Kohl was telling us of her doctor back home and his troubles of late. It seemed that this gentleman of a certain age had recently been left by his wife of two decades due to another gentleman that the Missus had met online. (Yikes.) The story came to a conclusion when Mrs. Kohl said, "She did come back; she took the horses, left the children."

Seven

Back in '05 when I worked at the Hellmouth, there was a cat named Seven who was real suave and totally beatnik. He was what the gals back home would call a hot bundle. Well, on one of our many discussions out in the parking lot after closing, Seven would share with us some interesting and often times bizarre observations and revelations that he had come to know. Here is a personal favorite: "I aspire to one day cuckold Quincy Jones." I believe that he actually has a shot at this...

Friendship Can Exist Btwn Libs & Repubs

Back in my days working the aisles, I got into a heated argument with Toothpick. (Sidebar: I am well known for giving nicknames to co-workers. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes cruel, but always right on the money. Toothpick was to me like a tough Italian street corner singer from the 70s, complete with a toothpick in the side of his mouth.) Anyway, we were unloading and shelving the morning's incoming order when our chat veered toward politics. As someone who leans toward liberalism, I was not prepared to hear that Toothpick was a full fledged hard core left-wing conservative Republican. Our debate was regarding Ann Coulter and her then recent use of the word faggot. I guess I assumed that he would be as equally outraged as I was and was stunned to find that he didn't think much of it AND that he actually was a fan of Coulter's, finding her to be "one hot mama." I nearly tossed my organic chocolate chip cookies into the pocket of my apron. Toothpick figured that since people used language like that in say, Scorsese's "The Departed," that it should come as no surprise to hear it said outside the realm of Hollywood films. I could hardly catch my breath. He said, "Films are reality, honey." I stopped dead and spoke with each word becoming louder than the last, "Are you in-sane?? 'Films are reality'?? Did ya see 'The Lord of The Rings,' cause I haven't seen any talking trees lately." Toothpick chuckled and had to agree. I then told him that we should vow never to discuss politics or Ann Coulter again. We spit, shook, and moved on. About half hour later I was putting away some sauce in a jar and I asked Toothpick what it was for and where he thought it ought to go. He responded, "Oh, yeah, this stuff is great! Well, you're a vegetarian, right? Yeah, well, it's mostly used on meats. I like it on steak and chicken; I even like it on Ann Coulter." And I never laughed so hard.

Kids These Days...

Not terribly long ago I went to a family function at my parents' place. I walked in to see one of my younger cousins hanging solo in the front parlor watching "Shrek the Third." His little 9 year old self jumped up (i'm clearly considered the crazy one in the family due to the fact that i am still very much in tune with my inner child) and greeted me with a huge smile on his puss. We chatted and I noticed the film playing and said, "Y'know, the voice of the prince is done by none other than Justin Timberlake - JT!! - formerly of the pop music group *NSync." I figured this would impress him, instead he shook his head like an elderly grandfather and said, "You teenagers and your music."

Hangin' at Hawkins

So I was at my brothers' place (the three of 'em live together in a giant yellow house) and we got to reminiscin' and tellin' old stories. Dave told us about the time when we all lived back in Cornwells (just me & my older brothers - Xavier wasn't around back then.) Well, Little Davy was about six years old, riding his two-wheeler around the cul-de-sac as happy as can be. Then a car turned down our street and "I flipped out for some reason, seein' this car headin' towards me, and couldn't figure out which way to go. So I swerved sharp to the right and ran smack into the Century 21 sign outside Jimmy Elmore's. Yeah, those fuckin' metal signs from the 70s. KABLAM!! The fuckin' bike stopped but I crashed head first into the sign, crushing my bouillons in the process. Then, Wayne, man, your mom was walking and saw the whole damn thing. She tried so hard not to laugh when she heard that GONG! from my melon hittin' the sign." "She just stood there??" "Naw, of course not, man, she consoled me and all. But she was doin' that unmistakable 'tryin' not to laugh' laugh the whole time."
Ahhh...thems was the days.

Bill from Produce & His Keen Observation

"Looks like he combed his hair with a shoe."

Katherine Meets Bill

With the recent departure of David Carradine, his name was brought up at dinner with Mama Rose & Katherine the other night. Katie is a HUGE fan of horror conventions. She loves to mingle with celebrities, with the hoity toity & hoi polloi of society. She's met everyone from Gwar to Judah Friedlander (love of my life) to "Desperate Housewives" hunk Nathan Fillion. Well, she being fabulous and I being her fabulous pal, on each of these jaunts she will bring me back a little something. At one event she had bought a small pin for me. While chatting up David Carradine and showering him with the perfect compliments of his career, she placed the pin on the table. After shaking his hand and purchasing an autographed picture, Katie said her goodbyes and moved on. This is when Mr. Carradine exclaimed, "Wait, Miss, don't forget your pin." Kate scurried back to the table & said, "Oh thank you! I bought this for my friend. It says "WWWWhhhhoooore!" Katie actually yelled the word whore in David Carradine's face. Presumably caught off guard, he said nothing and so she then felt the need to explain at great length, "Well, she's a big "Soprano's" fan - and so am I. It's so good. - and we always pretend to be Joey Pants' character from I think the second season? No maybe the third... Anyway, we imitate him and say 'She was a wwwwhhhhoooore, TONY!' and it's like a running personal joke for her and I so when I saw this pin, I had to get it. Not because she's a real whore or anything. It's meant to be a joke." He gave her a smile and handed it over. Only Katie could shout 'whore' at someone and have them find it charming.

Vocabulary Lesson

"Hey Blaine, what's unctuous mean?"
-a bit of a pause....
"Like, can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yes. 'Jon Lovitz is unctuous.'"

Gettin' the Sex Scoop on Bill from Produce

"So, Bill, what's your magic number?"
"Like a hundred and eighty nine."
"Seriously??"
"Yeah. One eighty nine, give or take."
"wow...um, is that including oral?"
"Honey, that's including lickin' an engineer boot and gettin' pissed on."
"Oh, then that's not so bad."

Truth Is All Around

My friend Katherine is a sweetheart, but she's also a lousy housekeeper. Her home is a fire hazard at best and at times looks as though ready for demolition with a wrecking ball. Thankfully her father is not one to mince words and is always ready to give Katherine the reality check that she sometimes needs. His most recent comment was such: "Jesus, Kate. It looks like Fred Sanford's yard out here; only less organized." Mr. A. strikes again with that biting wit!

Words From a Disappointed Brit

A while back, the gals and I were at Laine's house sipping on Chardonnay and shootin' the breeze. Randy was talking about the book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" when our resident brit, Jane, became outraged at the desecration of one of the finest novels ever written. The only thing she could manage to say in this moment of disgust was "Good Lord, what next, I ask you? 'The Grapes of Wrath With the Faerie Dust Bowl'???" Somewhere, John Steinbeck is laughing. A lot.

Truth and Obsession from Rhonda

Back in the late 90s I worked with a woman named Rhonda. She was petite with enormous 1980s plastic glasses, Jewish, in her mid-40s and was a second mother to myself and many other co-workers. Always quick witted and adorable, it was about 5 months into our working together that she showed me an entirely different side of herself that bonded us for life. I was working in the backroom and playing Metallica's infamous Black Album. "Enter Sandman" came on and Rhonda glided into the stockroom with a glow about her. She walked up to me, grasped my hands as if she were about to tell me that a loved one had passed and said, "Oh my Lord. Dear, are you a Metallica fan?" I hesitated, thinking the next thing she would say would be to chastise me for listening to the devil's music. I responded yes and she closed her eyes in a near overwhelming sense of pride and told me of her love of lead singer and rhythm guitarist, James Hetfield. She then stated slowly and as if in a deep state of ecstasy, "You just know that with every note he plays that that guitar is bangin' up against his big cock." Everything following that statement is not quite appropriate for a blog that is not centered around sex and pornography.

He's Baaaack...

I was relaying an awful experience I had to Bill in produce about how a creepy old guy grabbed my ass in the bulk food aisle. Worse yet was that the bastard smelled so strongly of old man powder that his odor transferred onto me like a bad skunk attack. Bill, known for his keen wit, saw me an hour or so later and rushed up to me saying, "Hey Star, there's a Cardinal Village bus that just pulled up out front. Guess word gets around fast about free hot, young ass, huh?" Oh Bill...

Words of Wisdom From Me Da

My father has always been a man to tell it like it is; no B.S. and no frills. You ask a question, you will get his honest answer. Here's an example from my late childhood:
"Hey, Da, what does 'four flushing' mean?"
"Means that you're such a big sack of shit that it takes four times to flush it all down the john."
"oh....thanks."
"Sure, that's what I'm here for."

Whoops...

My beloved godmother is like a brunette Bette Midler. She's bawdy and brash and every inch adorable and irresistible. Here is a brief look back at two of her greatest moments:
When I was a youngun, our neighbors were Dick and Mary Coffrey. Whenever my family threw a shin dig, they'd always be invited. Well, at one of our mid-autumn events, the ladies were in the kitchen gabbing, while Dick was out back pushing the kids on the swings. Well, Aunt Bette looks out back and says, "Mary, isn't your dick cold out there?" Okay, Dick may have only been wearing a t-shirt, and Aunt Bette's concern was warranted, however...it came out really wrong, thus leaving the room in a very awkward silence.
Not one to learn from her mistakes, the following year at the Memorial Day party, the gals were once again chatting together. This time they were watching the kids play in the front yard. Aunt Bette notices someone leaving Mary's side yard and asks, "Isn't that your dick across the street?" Oh, lord....Thankfully, the Coffrey's moved soon after that and we have yet to experience another faux pas of that magnitude from dear Aunt Bette. But her legacy continues on in so many other ways....

Mama Rose Freaks Out

Back when my lil' bro still lived at home, he and I were hangin' out at the 'rents place, kicking back to an old movie. ("Bringing Up Baby" more than likely.) Mama comes home with a Tower Records receipt in her paw and a scowl on her puss, directed specifically at Xavier.
"Hey, Ma, what's up?"
"What's up??? What's up???!! I demand to know who went to Tower Records today. And I want to know right now."
"Um, me and Rye went. Why?"
"Why? I'll tell you WHY. I do not want this kind of FILTH brought into MY home, do you understand me? I don't care which one of you bought this garbage, but get it out of this house. Have I made myself crystal clear, young man."
"Um, not really. What are you talking about?? All we did was pick up a movie. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal??? Do I honestly need to spell it out for you, Xavier Joesph??"
This is when I, in equal amounts of confusion, ask for the receipt. It reads: Snatch. After Xave & I had a good chuckle and chastised our mother for thinking we'd buy porn (and be dumb enough to leave the evidence on the floor of the garage,) we immediately realized, "Ew...Mom knows what snatch means..." I guess she's a real, live person after all.

A Wisecrack from Blaine

"Celine Dion uses the equator as a headband."
I personally never thought she had a gigantic head, but apparently I seem to be alone in that thought.

Epiphany & Star Chew The Fat

When working at the Hellmouth, Epiphany and I got to discussing a fellow employee known for his mangled teeth (and i use the term teeth very loosely), lack of personality and intellect, and his circa 1910 hair style. I don't like to be unkind, now, but to be completely forthcoming, he was nothing short of grotesque. Well, us gals were sitting in the back, deep into gossiping about his recent bed hopping from one co-worker to another when, in utter astonishment at this very thought, Epiphany exclaimed, "What would possess a woman, let alone two, into accepting someone like that into their lady parts? I mean, I honestly believe that one's genitals would have to rebel against something like that. Seriously! It would induce, like, a vaginal uprising." The sheer thought fills me with the urge to vomit into a nearby wastebasket. Bleck!!

The drawing below gives you a somewhat accurate likeness of said co-worker. Thanks to J. Taylor for his hilarious artwork.

More Laughs From The Produce Team

Ralph was standing around scowling at those certain customers that swarm to the free fruit samples like vicious wasps. Bill walks up to him to ask what's wrong and the response he got was not one that you'd expect from a nice fatherly type like Ralph.
"So, Ralph, what's goin' on? What's got ya down?"
"I'll tell ya what's buggin' me, these feeders here. I mean look at that woman there; she's eatin' like she's got two assholes."
Well, there ya have it.

Allow Me to Introduce Y'all To Marina

Okay, so my cousin Marina is basically my other half and shares with me an equally bizarre sense of humor. Well, back in my super market days, I was telling her about how insane the customers would go for the fresh roasted pb. She became irrationally irate and ranted: "Cashew butter? Hazelnut butter? What next-'Do you have any busted nut butter?' I mean, honestly." Busted nut butter...wonder how that shit tastes on my morning bagel...

Bill from Produce Wows Us Again

Joe Produce: "So, Bill, how 'bout you, man? Would you do gay porn for a million bucks?"

Bill: "For a million bucks? Honey, I'd do gay porn for dinner."

(when i told my mother that he said this she immediately hollered 'OH BILL! why would he degrade himself in such a way!?' clearly momma only knew a teeny tiny bit of the bill i knew and loved.)

Sarcasm à la Amy

Star: "Toby saw a Bald Eagle out back of Saturn last month."
Amy: "Oh yeah? I saw a unicorn in my backyard. Are you sure he wasn't high? I mean, did the eagle talk to him..."

Night Shift's Best Line

Those wacky '80s writers, Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel, brought what I consider to be one of the bestest silly lines in comedy history.

Scene: Chuck, as played by Henry Winkler, and Blaze, played by Michael Keaton, are locked in the city jail. Chuck receives a visit from his fiancée; it does not end well...

Chuck: "Did ya see that? My fiancée just spit on me."
Blaze: "And just after you were deloused..."

For whatever it's worth, I'm in stitches right now. It's a little known classic in my opinion.

Bill from Produce Strikes Again

"I got a new email address. I chose leathercumpig because leatherpisspig was already taken." And none of us are surprised.

Bright As Yellow

And that he is. I'm speaking of our beloved Bobby Minn. He's been on the mind of late for nearly all in the Scraps family. So for this post, here's a little something from the past on Bob:

On March 16th of 2005, I was in the breakroom with AJ Pan and his gal Friday, Bunny. I told them that they had just missed it; Bobby's mom & dad had stopped in and they were almost as sweet as Bob. It was at this time that AJ finally realized that Bob actually had parents. This thought amazed him, because Bob is such a saintly decent man, that one would easily think that he sprang to life out of thin air. A miracle, as it were.
"Man, I can't believe it. Bob's mother. I mean, if she gave birth to Bob then I bet she shits pure light. Really! She farts, and it's the adagio of a classical piece!"
(y'know, i hafta agree with this...)

Earlier this year, I ran into Bob at the old place and was greeted with a brilliant smile and the warmest of hugs. I was told a story of when our mutual friend Laine had to call the store for her schedule and our Bob answered. Laine, ever the prankster, put on her sex pot Kathleen Turner/Demi Moore voice and said, "This is an obscene phone call......it's Laine!" Without missing a beat, our Bible reading, God-fearin' Bob asked, "What are you wearing?"

Back in oh, 2003-2004ish, Bob graced the walls of our place of business with his truly magnificent art. It was so astonishingly gorgeous that it immediately made one angry at having no assets to liquidate and purchase every piece for sale. Bea from the hair salon stopped in on her break one morning and told me how impressed she was. "Finally, ya get some decent art on these depressing walls." To which I replied, "Yeah, aren't they incredible? Our own Bobby Minn is responsible." "Are you serious? BOB did these? Jesus Christ! They're fuckin' fabulous!" I later retold this to Bob, who blushed at all the oo-ing and ah-ing and then laughed a nervous laugh when I said that apparently his work is so beautiful that it actually causes people to blaspheme in public!

Finally, about five years ago, our store got a new coffee in: Blackberry Mountain. It smelled like heaven and people either loved it, or hated it. Bob loved it. Leather, the gal who worked in the back, was of the hating party. I once discussed this coffee with her to which she stated, and I quote, "It tastes like ass." Later that afternoon, Bob came over and asked for a cup. I told him what Leather said and he laughed his sweet natured laugh and exclaimed, "She says it tastes like ass!?" He went back to work and I ran like a little girl back to Leather's desk and said "OH MY GOD! Bob said ass!!!" We both covered our mouths in shock and tried not to laugh too loud. Then, Bob went and topped it all. He came back after his lunch and said, "Hello Star! Do you have any of that Ass Coffee?" He laughed and had me doubled over until he said one of the greatest comedy lines in the history of funny, "You know, I like ass! (chuckle) I like ass with cream and sugar! (more chuckling)" I completely lost it and had a bout of the most painful side-splitting laughing fits ever. I love that Bob was as tickled at saying the word 'ass' as I was at hearing him say it. Of course I told everyone and had the entire building loving Bob even more than before. Who knew it was possible.

So, there you have it, a little walk into the past of my cherished memories of Bob. He's one of the great ones and here's hoping that he continues to live a long and super fabulous life. Cheers.

Andy from Produce

"Yer name's Star? Star. That's a ugly name. From now on your name is Swamp."
I suppose I shoulda been offended, but it caught me so off guard that I couldn't help but laugh. Especially since this was the only thing Andy ever said to me in the 2.5 years we would work together.

Martin Short Explains...

...his incomparable impression of Jerry Lewis.

"The old Jerry has a symbolic lozenge in his mouth. His laugh is like a plum pudding boiling over."

(from Sit Down Comedy early 2006)

Ridiculously Hilarious Website

I don't know about you, but I find this site to be quite amusing. I especially like the testimonials...

http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/index.html

Nana Irma Speaks Up

My Nana has always stated that there exists no better cook than her mother-in-law, my Great Granny Esther. This was made clear to me at age 11 while witnessing a heated argument between her and my Grandad. As she served me a slice of pizza from a local shoppe, Nana Irm smiled down at me and said, "You know, dear, no one made a better pizza than my mother-in-law." (I was a bit baffled, being that Esther was very German and not at all Italian.) It was at this point that Grandad Thomas jumped in with, "Oh, hogwash! Irma, you make Mom out to be much better than she actually was. Her cooking was merely fair." This was apparently akin to a punch in the gut, because for the first and only time in my life, Nana Irma became angry. She snapped her head around and shouted in my Grandad's face, "THAT'S A LIE, TOM AND YOU KNOW IT! My mother-in-law could make B.M. taste good!" Then the room fell into the deepest silence that may ever have been known to mankind. Well, until I whispered 'gross...' under my breath.

Cheeks on cheeks

Cheeks: "Y'know, I wonder how much of my come would fit into those dimples..."

I'm certain that many a man, and perhaps a handful of females as well, have pondered that very same thought. A shout out to Blaine for telling me this back in '05; I feel I've found a fellow deviant in Cheeks after hearing this bold and honest statement. Mmm...Sawyer....

Oh How I Love This Time of Year...

...if only because the drive from my place to my parents' allows me to pass by a local garden center with a sign that proclaims: "Burpee Seeds - 75% off!" I crack up every time I see it and one day I will summon the courage to go in and coerce the sales person to speak the words that make me so insanely giddy. Because honestly, what could possibly be funnier. Okay, well, yes, a Marx Brothers or W.C. Fields film or maybe even an episode of The Office. But, I think it's hysterical.

A Great Winter Pickup Line

I received this little chat up from a sassy fella I worked with a few years back. He'd just come in from the cold and his cute little Joe Dairy face was all rosy; his nose all red and sniffly. He sidled up next to me and suavely stated, "You're hot. I'm cold. Let's get together and make a thunderstorm." Back home, that's what they call a smooth operator.

Butch from Dave's High School Days

"Oh, yeah, Butch. He had a lazy eye and he sold gold and car stereos. His father owned a junkyard." Also, I'd like to add that Butch dated an Italian girl who was 90lbs soaking wet, stood 5'1" with gigantic hair (it was Jersey in 1990) and drove an '87 Buick Grand National. I don't care if it's Jersey, Dubai, or freakin' Compton, that's just bad-ass.

Paul Newman

"It really is a throw-away society, isn't it? I mean, you throw away everything. You throw away your institutions, you throw away your faith in Congress or The Supreme Court; marriage, church. And everything is under attack. You throw away, for the most part, bottles, cans; you litter roads and you throw away wives, children, careers, whatever. So we recycle all the bottles, we recycle all the things. We try to fix the toaster instead of throwing it away and when we get into trouble, we try to fix it."

(i don't know who took this photograph, but it's lovely.)

Robin Thicke's Number One Fan

One evening at Bishop's we were kicking it back watching VH-1 Soul. Suddenly a smooth, sassy gent came on singing "Lost Without You." Bishop's eyes glazed over and he went into a trance as we listened to the over-the-top lyrics like,
"Tell me how you love me more
And how you think I'm sexy baby...
You wanna touch yourself when you see me
Tell me how you love my body..."
I mean, no one is more of a music snob than Bishop, so I had to question this sudden adoration. Robin Thicke is pretty as all get out, and he sings like a songbird, but that does not warrant this giggly schoolgirl reaction from my nearest and dearest. When I asked what the hell he was thinking when he listened to this sappy love song, he replied, "He could be singing about beets and brussel sprouts and I wouldn't care." Well, there you have it.

Oh, wait, you were serious about that?

Penelope: "Damian had guinea pig in Peru."
Star: "Really. Huh. I had hamster in Chicago."

Foreign Exchange Blues

Back in '94, Todd was trying to comfort Giorgia during English Lit class when she told us about her drunk house father. She was from Italy, and so Todd felt obliged to speak on behalf of our culture: "Don't get the wrong impression of America. Not all Americans are like that. Most of the time both parents are drunks."

Introducing: Bill from Produce

"Did you hear? Whole Foods got a new meat smoker. And it's not me!"